Nakagawa Ayumi's Perspective
I got into the shower, and immediately, my problems started assaulting my mind. I started thinking about everything that happened. When I told Madoka to stay away from Mari, I did that in both their best interests. I wasn't going to lose Madoka like Akari, her father. And their feelings would have ruined Mari's life.
Then… after that accident at the amusement park, and Mari… saving my life, everything just came together perfectly. If only it stayed that way.
As the water touched my face, I basked in one of the few comforts I had left in this life.
"If only things stayed perfect."
I wasn't getting out of this slump. When I got out of the shower, I looked at the cocktail of medication that caught my eye before. But this time was different, If I did… do something extreme, nobody would be there to save me this time.
I was disgusted that it was that thought that stopped me. I didn't have a savior or someone to look forward to seeing.
"Huh? I guess last time I didn't expect anyone to save me. I… just wanted to be with the people I loved."
It was just by whatever god shined upon me that Mari was the one who saved me. I wonder… if anyone else would have walked in on me that day would I have latched on to them too?
"Hmmm..."
I've always viewed Mari as my white knight. Someone who would protect me and never hurt me. And yet, she did just that in the end. She wasn't there to save me. She... never loved me like I thought she did.
Quietly, time passed as I walked around my empty home. I wrapped my long hair in a ponytail to hide how unkempt it was. A little bit of makeup to look presentable but I hardly tried to make a good impression.
After getting dressed and packing "something to run in" underneath my coat, I made my way to the shopping district. It was a bit before twelve, meaning that Saitou-san was taking the rest of the day off to meet me. She… was going out of her way for this.
"There you are, Nakagawa-san."
She approached me in a long dark purple coat and leggings. She'd always looked professional no matter what the occasion was. Well, she did come from work, I assumed. But she had a gym bag around her shoulders.
"You wanted to talk, Saitou-san?"
"Yes, but that can wait a little bit. Follow me; we're going to sweat a bit."
Instead of questioning it, I went with it. She took me deep into the mall, to an indoor tennis court. I'd seen this place a few times but never been inside. After paying for a racket and time, Saitou-san handed me mine.
"Oh… I'm no good at tennis."
I hesitantly took the foreign object. With a turn, I looked at the logo imprinted onto the handle. It read "Waka,'' a quirky way to say "Wack" I assumed.
Saitou-san tilted her head and smiled at me.
"I played a lot of table tennis, but court tennis isn't my thing either. But since we're both greenhorns at it, it might be the best way to release some stress."
She tossed up the ball and began juggling it on her racket. I… didn't want to do this, but I followed her enthusiasm and made it to my side of the court. I knew the rules vaguely, but it felt like Saitou-san wasn't playing by them. She would hit the ball my way, and I would hit it back.
Like a dog, I'd chase the ball and send it back to my master.
"This is… dumb."
I complained in a murmur.
The monotonous game went by for a few minutes causing me to start sweating. She wasn't saying anything, just bouncing that green ball back and forth. The court was empty, it was just us, yet Saitou-san was focused, constantly pushing back the ball with her hits, forcing me to run back and forth.
(I hate this.)
I hit the ball back.
(This isn't fun.)
Again...
(This isn't something I wanted to do today.)
And again...
(What's the point of this? Why do I have to go along with this?)
Over...
(Saitou-san was the one who made Madoka question me!)
And over...
(After she told Madoka, everything went to hell! It's her fault! It's her fault!)
And over and over again...
(I am so angry!)
With the sweat in my eye, and bangs sticking on my forehead, I hit the ball as hard as I could. The ball went out of bounds, spiked away by my frustrations boiling over.
"I hate this stupid game!"
I complained, tossing the racket down to the floor. Saitou-san let the ball go into the distance. She straightened her back and put her hand on her hip. She wasn't sweating, the complete opposite of me. My hair was a mess, my legs were already shaking, and my frustration was at its peak.
And we haven't even talked yet. I looked at her and started regretting showing that side of me to her.
"S-Sorry."
I apologized and picked up the racket shamefully.
"No, that's just the reaction I've been waiting for, Nakagawa-san."
Saitou-san picked up the ball and made her way next to me. I was huffing and puffing, tired from the minimal exercise.
"I think we're ready to chat now, Nakagawa-san."
Confused and frustrated, I followed her to the wall of the tennis court. We sat on the bleachers side by side. I was leaning over, still winded from the "game" we played.
"What did you want to talk about, Saitou-san?"
"Hmm…"
Saitou-san leaned back.
"When you manage all kinds of people, you have to understand their strengths and weaknesses for the team to run efficiently."
She began with this mundane, managerial response. It really… annoyed me.
"Do you remember the first project I assigned you when you came to the editorial department? The first one you did alone?"
I thought about it. As time went on… things began to blur together, and I couldn't recall the "first" assignment anymore.
"No, I can't remember. It was so long ago now."
Saitou-san leaned back and looked up.
"You were assigned to correct a new writer's short story. It was a cute story about a teddy bear and the little girl who bought him. The writer didn't get very far and gave up mid-publication to go back to school though."
I vaguely remembered that story. We picked it up because it had potential for a younger audience. But as time went on, we realized the writer wanted something more from their writing, losing interest in their story.
"Your assignment was a simple edit. And you did it. You got it done, and that was all I asked of you."
Saitou-san crossed her legs and looked back at me.
"And that's when I realized, that type of job wasn't for you."
I looked at her, confused.
"What, did I not do a good job?"
"No, you did a fine job. But… you just did the job. So, after that, I assigned you to the recruiting side of our team. For you to reach out to new writers and get them invested in our company."
Saitou-san nodded to herself with a slight smile.
"And you excelled. From then on, you became one of the best spokespersons for our group. I could rely on you to do a job you enjoyed."
I sighed deeply.
"What does this have to do with anything?"
It felt like she brought me out here to give me a pep talk. I didn't need one… I just needed to be alone.
"You, Nakagawa Ayumi, respond better when you have an objective, a goal in mind. A goal in which you're passionate about. That's when you do your best work."
She took the racket in her hand and held it tight.
"And when you don't have a goal, you tend to just… go with the motions. I take it you don't have a goal right now, do you?"
I crossed my arms, irritated.
"A goal? That's a joke."
I looked at my former boss.
"You overstepped your boundaries by telling my daughters all of that. Because of you, my family is broken."
She nodded.
"You're right. I did overstep my bounds, but I don't regret doing it. Admit it… everything was broken the moment you forced Mari-san's hand to take you in… like a damaged dog."
I clenched my fist.
"What do you know?! How dare you!"
"I know that when Mari-san came crying to me that day... she wasn't crying over you but your daughter."
I put my hand on my face and leaned down, trying to hide my shame.
"S-So even you know about this whole messed up thing? E-Everything... is just so wrong."
"But I'm not here to dredge that up again. I wanted to ask you… what is your goal from here on out? Do you just plan to stay home until you're fired, be forced on the streets, and blame the world for all your problems?"
Saitou-san crossed her legs.
"Or look inside yourself and realize that a lot of your problems… start with you?"
I didn't respond, but the answer was at the tip of my tongue. I had no plans… there was nothing for me to look forward to. There was nobody behind me, beside me, around me anymore. Just breathing… had become a pain when waking up.
"I don't know. I don't know what I want anymore, Saitou-san."
I looked at her again.
"With Madoka moved out, Hana not answering my calls, and Mari betraying me, I don't feel as if there's anything for me to do but wait…"
"Wait for other people to help you?"
I grit my teeth.
"Is it so bad to want to be helped?"
She shook her head.
"No, that's not wrong at all. But what's wrong is what you're doing right now. You're hiding, hoping for someone to feel bad enough for you and give you the help you need."
"Oh, shut up."
Bitterly I lashed out.
"Ayumi-san, those girls love you so much. That night I told your daughter about your attempted suicide, you wouldn't be able to imagine the shock on their faces."
I wanted to cover my ears… and forget about that time. It was easier to just hide and not think about it. But my former boss kept dragging it all back to the surface like a strange form of torture.
"I don't know the level of things that happened between you all. But what I do know is they all love you so much. And that's why they left you, Ayumi."
I clicked my tongue unconsciously.
"If they loved me they wouldn't have left me!"
"Ugh... Stop playing the victim already."
I glared at her; how I wished I could storm out, and I nearly did, but she continued.
"There was another part to that story that I left out, Ayumi. When I gave you your first assignment, time and time again… you would ask others for help."
Her tone shifted. It was sharp and pointed. This was the tone I was afraid of from the beginning, and it finally came out.
"It's what you do when working as a team, you ask for help."
Saitou-san sighed deeply.
"But you were different. You'd leached off of others to the point that "your work" became "their work". It was pathetic to watch. You… couldn't do anything on your own."
Saitou-san reminded me of Watanabe Chie. How she would berate me for allowing a "stranger" (Mari) to watch over my daughter when I couldn't get home in time. We fought about that a few times. It's like my former boss was peering into my memory, dragging up things I hated.
But this whole thing about how I used to work… I vaguely recalled asking my teammates to recheck a few corrections, nothing more and nothing less.
"You'd bounced around, and by the time you were done, everything was right… with little to no effort of your own, Nakagawa Ayumi-san. That's when I knew what kind of worker you were."
Saitou-san wasn't holding back anymore. It felt like she just smashed a hammer to the back of my head. My head began to hurt. I felt ashamed, and my throat was dry.
"And after Mari-san requested that change due to your relationship, that's when I knew what kind of person you were."
"I don't get what you're getting at."
Saitou-san stood up and stood over me.
"I wanted to ask you something that's been in the back of my mind for so long…"
"What?"
"Where does your lack of confidence come from, Nakagawa-san? Why… do you need the validation of others so bad… that you'd ruin your life and others over it?"
I couldn't speak. Like a child being punished by their parents, I sat there with my head down, unable to look at her anymore.
"Why would you care, Saitou-san?"
"For a few days… Auburn Mary-san had been calling me. Actually, she's been lost on what to do with you and reached out to me."
"Mary-san?"
She nodded.
"Yeah, she's worried about you. That woman cares about you a lot, and she reached out to me, probably realizing that someone else needs to get through your head. Auburn-san begged me, and I agreed to help."
Saitou-san closed her eyes.
"And because I'm worried about you also. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't worried too."
"What a joke…"
Saitou-san sighed.
"You see, you can't take anyone's sincerity at face value. And that causes you to hurt others."
With a finger in the air, Saitou-san concluded.
"And you'll have to find out how to get past yourself and fix what you broke. Is that a simple enough goal for you?"
It was easier said than done. Actually, I couldn't pinpoint a goal out of her criticisms of me.
"What can I do? I'm lost without anyone to help me."
"Look at what your daughter did that night at the Inn and Onsen. Madoka fought through all her pains and found the answers she wanted."
I looked back up to her, questioning her with my eyes.
"Find the answers no matter who stands in your way. Even if it's you, Nakagawa-san."
With a wave goodbye, she picked up her racket and made her way to the front to return them, leaving me here alone like everyone else.
"Find answers."
I clicked my tongue.
"You don't know anything, Saitou-san."
Again, I lashed out behind her back. But deep inside my chest, it felt like a pin was lodged in my heart. As if her words were clawing inside me.
"What am I supposed to do?"