TW: SUICIDE
It all started with a wrong sent message, I was down. Down with everything and I'm on the verge of giving up, then you asked me "What's wrong?." That's where it all started.
You understood me and I knew of your pain, I wanted to save you from your hell, I wanted to pull you out of the dark. Our late night talks, the way you cared for everyone, the way you put others before yourself. I loved every second that I spent, spending and will spend with you and before I knew it, I fell. Fell deep and I'm drowning, drowning with all my unheard thoughts, unheard voices, unheard desires.
I wanted more, I wanted to see you smile. I want to see you finally content and happy, I wanted to see you not on the screen, but in flesh. You are my favorite notification, my Ikigai, my happy pill. I'm scared, I'm falling and I can't stop. I can't stop falling and I'll shatter, but if it's for you. I'll gladly let the pieces scatter.
One day, I saw blood dripping from your wrist and you contemplating on taking your life. I felt tears roll down my cheeks, I wanted to be there for you, wrap you in an embrace and sing that everything would be alright. I want to be your blanket of comfort but I can't. I can only be behind the screen, praying that you'll be alright, eventually you promised. You promised that you wouldn't hurt yourself...but I didn't. I didn't promise anything did I?
You'll be better, You'll move on, be stronger and learn from your mistakes, while me? don't worry about me. I'll be at peace soon. I'll force a smile knowing that anytime maybe I'd give up and leave everything. You were one of the reasons behind my smiles, You're my only hope. You're one of my strengths, but I'm afraid that this is the end. The end of me. I thought as I wore the thick noose around my neck.
You'll find me on my casket filled with roses while wearing the most beautiful white dress. I'd be the prettiest woman you'll see, laid in satin and finally at peace. My mom would give you a letter and I want you to keep it as a last departing gift from me. Don't cry, I'm working so hard on making you happy that it's breaking me. It's okay, I promised right? I promised that I'll stay, so don't cry and be happy.
You'll be on your car, serenity enveloping this melancholic moment, you wearing a tuxedo. You'll open my letter and read it.
"Dear, -----
Wipe your tears, throw the blade. I might be gone but I want you to look up the night sky and stare at the stars. I'll be there. I'll be there watching over you, I'm sorry if I given up without giving you notice, it seemed like my demons won on this battle. I love you, I love every part of you. Your flaws, and everything.
Thank you, Thank you for completing me, for making me smile, for listening to me even though you're full of cracks. Be brave, fight the battle that I've lost in, always smile in times of adversities. I'd be there in the sky, I'd be your soldier. I'd fight beside you. Always remember that you're my hope.
I want you to scatter my ashes in the place of the sakura trees, you know how much I love them right? I want you to be there as my sisters grow up, and comfort my mother in this sad moment, please protect them in the place of me, and I have one last request for you.
Be happy, It'll take a long time, It'll take you a long journey but be happy. I'll be there waiting for you so take your time and enjoy the ride. I told you I want you to be happy even if that happiness no longer include me.
Remember that I always love you. Goodnight, Sugar dreams and see you in dreamland.
Your prefere,
Frans