Linarra found it hard to sleep that night. It felt like something changed, but she didn't know what. Everything since they'd arrived at the Mountain seemed like a fever dream. Sahimul didn't sleep. He wasn't 'alive' in the same way she was. He wasn't mortal. She watched him from under half closed eyelids as the flickering light from the little campfire played on his face.
It was a beautiful night. The air smelled sweet like it would rain soon, but it never did. The air was cool, but not cold. The ground was soft, rich with growing things, flowers and herbs and mushrooms. It was not some dark, twisting overgrown forest. It was like out of a child's picture book.
She wondered about the Elves. Liriel was the only Elf she'd ever seen. They were supposed to have been wiped out in a war with humans thousands of years ago. She was the only one left. Linarra had always thought it was sad that the High Priestess had no one. No family. No friends like her. Liriel was a mysterious woman. Her only companion, a reanimated corpse. It had seemed sad to Linarra, the whole thing, but strange too.
Sahimul insisted he despised her and wouldn't let Linarra even say Liriel's name. She wondered why. It seemed so personal. Like Liriel had hurt him in some way. Linarra felt it through the bond, it was more than just hatred. It felt like a grudge.
She couldn't stop staring at him. Maybe if she stared hard enough all of his mysteries would be laid bare to her. He looked pensive, his brow crinkled. He twirled a blade of grass between thumb and forefinger. The bond broadcasted his emotions, the state of his 'physical' being, but nothing else. Not his thoughts.
Letting out an annoyed sigh, Linarra sat up. Sleep wasn't coming, and she was tired of just laying there.
He looked at her with an arched brow. "What is it?" he asked. "What great sin have I committed this time just sitting here minding my business?" He could feel her frustration with her, she knew.
"I'm tired of not knowing things, Sahimul. You can't expect my trust if you won't be honest. If you just keep saying, oh it's a surprise! Or 'I won't talk about that'. You don't get to play martyr. Not when you won't tell me."
He slid off the flat rock he'd been sitting on and stalked towards her, impish features twisted in anger. Not just anger, but hurt. She felt it. But she couldn't keep side stepping his very big and dramatic feelings.
"Maybe I -don't- want to talk about these things because they hurt, Linarra. Or because I KNOW you'll just twist them around and misunderstand on purpose." He said this, all her in face, his tone mean, as he crouched on his haunches.
"While you were sleeping in that rock? The world has been ending. And everyone has decided you're the bad guy and it's all your fault. We've heard it all our lives. For TWO thousand years. You can't expect to just be believed! I want to believe you-"
"No, you don't," he snapped, cutting her off. "And it's funny you calling me a martyr. You're the one whose just convinced you're going to die. You've already given up! Should we have a funeral for you? Ready your tomb? You can just LAY there until you actually die!"
Her eyes filled with tears. Frustration, rage, hurt. Why couldn't he understand? "I hate you!" she said childishly, tears coursing down her face. "I hate this! I never wanted it! I don't want to be a priestess! I can't heal. I can't perform miracles. I'm worthless! I always have been."
"Do you want comfort? You ridiculous woman!" He stood, throwing his hands up. "You hurt my feelings and now you want me to make it all better. Fuck you," he said, cursing at her. She'd never been cursed at.
It shocked her into complete silence, her eyes wide. The forest seemed to hold its breath as they argued, shouting at each other. Not a single noise except for the crackle of the campfire.
A tidal wave of unsaid things drowned her on the inside. She couldn't stand it. She was so tired of pushing everything down, mashing it away until it choked her. Yes, she was weak. Scared. Everyone was more everything than she was. More brave. More clever. More beautiful.
"I don't want comfort, Sahimul. I want the truth. I want your story. And I don't hate you, but I hate this. I want you to be redeemed. As hard as all this is to take in and understand..." She sighed heavily, her chest tight. "I feel like it's all this strange lie. I want to understand. Don't you get that? Why is that -bad-?"
He looked down at her, pouting a little. She was at once struck by how absurd this was and how sad it was. It didn't seem fair that the world's greatest evil had to be so...infuriatingly charming.
"Fine," he said, the sharpness of his tone dulled by the feeling throught he bond. He didn't mean it. He wanted to tell her. She could feel it.
He sat close to her. Like he always did. She used to think it was to make her nervous or uncomfortable, but she wasn't so sure now.
"It's hard. And it's a long story. And if you don't believe me, I'll be..." He shook his head. "Furious. It will bother me a great deal."
"I'll give you the benefit of the doubt," she said. "I promise." Whether it was the bond or her own sore feelings, she took his hand and held it, smoothing her fingers over his knuckles. "And...I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."
His features softened. "Fine, fine. They aren't that hurt," he lied. "I'm sorry I cursed at you." He paused only a moment before gently withdrawing his hand. He drew in a deep breath and his shoulders scrunched up, as though he were expecting a blow.
"I'll tell you. Everything. All of it."
#
Sahimul
In the beginning there wasn't anything at all except the Mother. It had been like a dream of darkness, and she woke to nothing. There was no time, so none could say how much time passed. It was one of the things she created first, time. To mark the passage of things.
She made the heavens next, at least, that's what she said she did. I wasn't around so I can't be entirely certain. She made all the stars and moons and planets. She realized she was lonely, so she started to split herself into many pieces. Twelve of them to be precise.
The Mother created me first and took the most time in doing so. I was created from her desire and longing and love. She made me a counterpart, a consort. The perfect friend and lover so that she'd never ever be lonely. She crafted my form and made me different enough from her as to be...well. Different.
We were alone in the stars for a very long time. I loved her because she was all there was. I loved her because she made me to love her. Free will and choice hadn't been created yet. It's probably why things started going wrong.
I bored her, you see. I loved her with all my being because that's all I was. She grew cold and distant. I grew maudlin and desperate. She threatened to unmake me, to anger me. To make me afraid? I don't know. It only broke my heart. It only made me sad. Why couldn't I please her as I once had? To me, she was the most beautiful thing that ever was. Even amongst the stars and the planets and the moons. She alone was the most sublime thing there ever was. But I began to wonder...did I think that because I'd been created to? Or was it true?
She put me to sleep. For how long, I've no idea. While I slept without dreams, she created the other eleven aspects. They were my brothers and sisters. She woke me, pleased with me again, to show me.
But they weren't like me. They were simpler beings. Then, the Mother showed me this world. She'd populated it with beasts and birds. Creatures of the sea. She made the Elves in OUR likeness. The men were like me and the women were like her, and they were beautiful.
And because they'd come from her, from the source of all things, I loved them. I loved every single one of them. I watched them, invisible, unheard, all the time. I watched them fall in love and die and fight and make art. I watched them pray to the Mother, erect great, beautiful temples in her honor. Then the other aspects and finally me.
It delighted me. The statues of me, the offerings of fruit and flowers and honey. It pleased the Mother too. Their devotion touched her. She blessed man of them with her favor. She gave them the gift of magic so that they could perform miracles. Not all of them. Just the ones she liked the best.
The world the Mother created was beautiful and cruel, like she was. It was hard to be a physical entity with a non-physical soul. They got injured, sick. They died too young. They toiled in the fields to raise their food and to offer proper sacrifice to the Mother and her Aspects.
She thought to create things to help them. They had beasts of burden, but they weren't clever enough to do all the tasks that needed doing. So, she created humans. So like the Elves, but they didn't live as long. And unlike the Elves, they had no souls. They were empty, physical vessels born to serve.
I paid them little mind at the time. I still believed only good things came from the Mother. I saw no fault in creation. But again, she was unsatisfied. She no longer kept me as a lover. If I came to her, she sent me away. I'd done nothing wrong. I just bored her.
In my misery, I became the darker aspect of love. Jealousy. Hate. Misery. I was inconsolable. The Mother was not as sympathetic as I would have liked. It seemed my sadness made her uncomfortable. Annoyed. She suggested I take on a physical form and walk among creation. That if I were so fascinated by the Elves I should live with them. I didn't see it as punishment at the time. I was excited to do it. See them. Talk to them. Feel things. I am the only Aspect that ever took on flesh. And while I didn't know it at the time? It was to be forever. She never wanted to have me in her heavens again.
But as I didn't know this, I readily and happily accepted the suggestion. It didn't even seem like a command, though it was. I was 'born' inside my temple in the golden city of the Elves.
I made myself as they saw me, beautiful, youthful. I sat inside my temple, waiting to see someone, anyone. I could barely contain my excitement. I sat amongst the offerings to me, the flowers and wine and honey. I sat upon an altar, like a child.
She entered my temple, dressed in sheer silks, her hair golden curls that fell to her waist. I had never seen anything more beautiful. She made me forget the Mother, my sadness, everything. In that moment, she was the only thing that existed. The woman carried dozens of red roses in her arms, an offering to me. She was so startled when she saw me, she dropped them and gasped. I could tell she was frightened.
I went to her and spoke. I told her who I was. My eyes are the only thing that gives it away. They are the spark and flame of creation. I am the only Aspect to have taken flesh, but I assume the others would have the same eyes if they did too.
She told me her name was Liriel and fell to her knees in worship. It was fun at first, I suppose. But I didn't want to be worshipped. It wasn't why I was there. I was there to be one of them. At least, in my mind, for a while. I took her delicate hands and helped her to her feet.
I was not clever back then. I was like a newborn foal, wobbly and confused. Being physical is at once freeing and limiting. There was so much of...well...everything. I had five senses suddenly and they were immediately overwhelmed. The temple had been quiet, but the city was loud and bustling. The sun hurt my eyes. I was naked. I felt uncomfortable. Hot.
With no one else to turn to, I begged Liriel to teach and guide me. Help me. She was so beautiful she dazzled me. I must have seemed like a clinging child.
Liriel had a modest little house by the sea. Far from the city. All alone. I didn't know why. She was so lovely in demeanor and appearance, I couldn't understand why she'd been shunned, but she had. She told me she'd been cast out. I felt we were the -same-.
Especially after months went by and the Mother would not speak to me. No matter how loudly I cried. Liriel understood this pain. Or, at least, I thought she had. We were both all alone, but now? We were together. And she taught me everything. She clothed me, bathed me. I didn't require food or sleep, but I lay beside her every night and sat with her as she had her supper.
We were immediately lovers. As the Aspect of Desire, it was odd that it didn't occur to me that I could do this...with her. But it had certainly occurred to her. She seduced me as soon as she had me in her little house by the sea. Liriel kissed me, put her hands on me, pleasured me until I was exhausted. I returned the favor eagerly. Once I discovered sex, it was all I wanted. I couldn't eat. Or sleep and dream. But I could fuck. To me, it was the best thing about being alive.
But soon, in a twisted reflection of my own creation, I grew bored just sitting like a caged bird in her little house. Until that day, Liriel had only ever been kind to me. Sweet. But the moment I mentioned leaving she turned cruel and cold...or hysterical and inconsolable. I felt terrible. Guilty. How could I do that to her when I knew what it felt like?
I knew, though, that while I could placate her for a while, it would poison the relationship. She loved me, she said. I wanted to love her. I did. But after the Mother, I couldn't feel it. It didn't seem fair. I tried. I told myself there was nothing about her not to love. All the same, I couldn't return the sentiment.
She quit being kind to me. She ignored me. Liriel told me that the city would treat me harshly. They would cage me like an animal and demand I perform miracles. Make me a slave like the humans were slaves. And if I had any decency at all, I would help her regain her standing so she could return to the city. That way, she wouldn't be all alone should I leave her.
It seemed fair to me. Just. I didn't want to treat her poorly. She -had- been kind to me. So, I did as she asked. I taught her things, Things no Elf had known before her. I taught her how to control and bend the thoughts of others. I taught her magic, not the witchcraft she'd been using (which saw her exiled in the first place), but more powerful magic that didn't seem like magic at all.
It took several years, but I kept my promise and Liriel had a villa in the city. She had suitors and friends. She had coin filling her coffers. Even the King took interest in her,which I suspect all came from the magic I taught her. It began to feel...wrong somehow. I wanted to leave. She was surely happy now, wasn't she?
But when I told her it was time to part, she once again cried on her knees and begged me, as her only true friend, to stay. Again, she said she loved me and wished only to be with me, that all she did was to impress me. Why was my heart so cold towards her? What had she done to displease me?
And once again, I agreed to stay. How could I leave her if that's how she felt? I could wait until she left the mortal realm, couldn't I? I could. I should. I didn't want her to feel as I did when the Mother abandoned me.
Maybe it would have gone differently had I left then. It was only a few weeks later she took on a house slave, a human woman she used to wash her clothes and prepare her meals. Liriel spent too much coin on her, but the human woman was so beautiful. And Liriel loved beautiful things.
It all changed when I met her, the slave.
Everything fell apart when I met Ishahn.