How to explain it? She was so beautiful it broke my heart. Delicate and soft, her skin dark, her hair black. When Liriel set her to work, I found myself following her around, watching her. Fascinated.
I'd never spoken to a human before. So, I tried. "Hello," I said.
Ishahn looked at me, but said nothing. There wasn't anything there. She had life, but no soul. It just was just this beautiful vessel with nothing inside it. She did her duties. She ate and slept. But she didn't feel. Liriel, quick and clever as a snake, noticed this too.
That was when I saw Liriel's cruelty. Saw her for how she really was. If Ishahn made a mistake or broke anything, she'd beat her viciously. The girl never cried out or complained. Her eyes were dead, empty, lifeless. It hurt to see it. I hated it.
I had abandoned Liriel's bed ages ago, but she would always try to tempt me to return to it. This night, she tempted me with what she saw as my weakness. Ishahn. She commanded the girl to pleasure me.
The only thing that ever hurt me more than that? Was Ishahn's eventual betrayal, but I'll get to that. I'm getting ahead of myself.
I refused. I dressed Ishahn and put her to bed in her room. I didn't even have the heart to admonish Liriel, but I wanted to. In reflection? I wish I'd killed her. Struck her head from her shoulders. But, I'm the Aspect of Love. It hadn't, at the time, occurred to me to kill anyone or anything. Instead, I avoided her and spent my time trying to get Ishahn to talk to me, even though I knew it was fruitless.
One day, she broke a vase. She hadn't meant to, of course. She stood and stared at it, in a thousand pieces. Ishahn stared at it. I don't think she was afraid, but she had stopped. I knew Liriel would beat her again if she saw it.
I am a demigod. I can do all sorts of wonderous things, especially on the physical plane. It's easy. For me, anyway. It doesn't even feel like magic. So, I simply put the vase back together and placed it back on the pedastel from which it had fallen.
"Good as new!" I told Ishahn.
"Why...did you do that?" she asked me. So she could speak after all! I was delighted.
"Because, I didn't want to see you punished," I explained.
She stared at me with her far away, empty eyes. "Why?"
I frowned. Why? It seemed obvious to me. "Because it's wrong. You didn't do it on purpose."
She shrugged and continued her work, sweeping the floor. I realize it was...unseemly for me to follow her around like a stupid dog, but I couldn't help myself. I was unspeakably lonely.
"I could...do your work for you!" I offered, snatching the broom out of her hands.
"I'm supposed to work," she said flatly.
"Yes, but wouldn't it be -fun- if you didn't have to? I can do it in an instant. Or, if you'd prefer, you can watch me do it. Wouldn't that be funny? I've never swept the floor before. But I'm sure I can."
She stared at me. "What are you? You're not an Elf."
Ah, she was perceptive too! I placed my hand on my chest. "I, am Sahimul. Aspect of Love. I am the Mother's first creation."
"You're...a spirit," she said.
"Not entirely. But sort of. I came here to live amongst the Elves and humans. Because I love them."
"You love me," she said, her tone empty.
I considered this. I love everyone. Truly. Even now. Not the best feeling when the world decided you were the worst while you slept and now hates you, but it's true. "I do love you," I said finally. "Of course."
"I don't know what that means," she said.
It struck me as sad. Unfair. She couldn't feel it or appreciate it in any way. She didn't even know what love was, not really. Why had the Mother done this? It was the first time I thought the Mother was cruel. It made me weep. I sat down on the floor and put my head in my hands and cried.
"What are you doing?" Ishahn asked.
"Crying," I told her. "Because I love you and you don't even know what that means. It's not fair."
"I'm sorry," she said, though she couldn't mean it or properly understand.
I shook my head, wiping my face. "It's not your fault. But..." I trailed off in thought. "Ishahn? Would you want a soul? If I could give you one?" I wasn't sure I -could- but I supposed I could try.
"Yes," she said. "Then I would know what love is?"
I nodded. "Yes, but other things too. Like pain and suffering and sadness." I waved this off though. I had this beautiful idea. I would give Ishahn a soul! What a wonderful gift! The more I looked up at her beautiful face, the more I wanted to do it.
"Just say the word, Ishahn. And I will do it."
"Do it," she said, lifting her chin.
You see, all empty things want to be filled and all filled things wish to empty themselves. It's the way of things, of creation. I assumed that the Mother intended it to be this way, for me to give her a soul. I thought that it was my purpose for being unable to return to her. It wasn't, of course, but it made it hurt less, my banishment.
I went to my temple, where I knew I would be safe and I left my flesh vessel. It would merely seem to be sleeping as I went to a realm I wasn't supposed to be in. The Well of Souls was created by the Mother in the dark between the stars. It is where every living soul comes from, it's where I came from too, I suppose.
I watched them swirling and shining like the stars. I tried to pick the most beautiful one. One that shone with kindness and strength. One that I felt suited her. One that she would pick if she could. I held it close to my own essence. I loved it. I loved her. More than I'd ever loved anything. I loved that I could do this for her.
While she slept, I placed the soul within Ishahn. I wanted to stick around and watch as joy and love bloomed in her eyes, but I had to get back to my vessel. So I could see it all in person! So I could embrace her.
When I returned to Liriel's villa, the moon was high and it was late. I walked in the gardens and that's where I found Ishahn, weeping, on her knees. She saw me and came at me like a wild animal. She slapped my face and hit me. She spat at me. Cursed me.
I didn't understand. I let her. It's not that I can't feel pain. I can. It just won't damage me forever. Every wound goes away almost as quickly as I receive it.
"Damn you, Sahimul," she said after she stopped attacking me, still weeping and breathless.
"Why?" I asked, bereft.
"It hurts," she said. "I am a slave to a cruel mistress. She has done terrible things to me. It didn't hurt like this before."
Ah, I understood then. I hadn't considered it. I had been selfish. "I'm sorry, Ishahn. I did it because I love you. I wanted you to..." I trailed off, unsure of how to explain.
"What?" she spat. "Love you back? I hate you!"
It crushed me. I felt so miserable. I didn't even have tears. I got on my knees before her and begged her forgiveness. "Please," I whispered. "Please don't hate me. I can't bear it. Please. I'll do anything you want. Anything! Just tell me. Name it. I will do it."
"Leave me alone," she told me, trying to push me away.
"I'll die," I told her. It was such a foolish thing to say. But I felt like a young lover, totally swept up in emotion, selfish without meaning to be.
"You won't! You can't!" She laughed at me.
"Please," I cried. "The Mother tired of me. I bored her. She banished me here. Liriel..." I closed my eyes. It hurt too much. "She keeps me prisoner with her guilt and cruelty. She's my only friend. Where shall I go?" I asked her. "I'm poison. All I have is love. But no one wants it. No one loves me back."
I had given her a kind soul. She was as kind as she was strong. She -should- have sent me away. But instead, she got to her knees too and embraced me.
She shushed me and wiped my tears. "I don't truly hate you," she said. "And this is a beautiful gift. I do understand now. But how can I go back to being a slave, Sahimul?"
I kissed her face. I kissed her eyes and forehead and lips. I felt like I was drowning. She didn't hate me. That was enough. "You're not a slave! I won't allow it. We'll leave here. I know many places we can go, just you and me!"
We ran away like children. We lived by the sea and I showered her with gifts and love and affection. I'm sure it was all too much. I was so desperate not to be cast aside again. I'd have done anything she wanted. I'd have turned the world to ash for her. Just to see her smile. At me.
But one day it happened. I'll never forget it.
I was walking along the shore near sunset. There's nothing quite like watching the sun dip into the sea. I felt at peace. I loved Ishahn. She kept me in her bed. I knew I was little more than a pet, an amusement to her, but I accepted it. I knew the day would come she would tire of me, but I tried to be in the moment and appreciate it for what it was.
She found me walking the shore. She called out to me, "Sahimul!"
I smiled, though it felt strained. Here it comes, I thought. The moment she sends me away. I tried to prepare myself, but already it pained me. She took my hands in hers, the golden light of the setting sun in her hair.
"Do you love me?" she asked.
It hurt to be asked. I said it daily. "Of course," I said with conviction.
She squeezed my hands, her eyes shining with tears. "The Mother spoke to me," she told me. I was so happy for her! The Mother had never spoken to a mortal person before!
Then a shadow crossed over her face and she seemed far away from me. "She...condemns you. For what you did. For giving me a soul."
I felt gutted. All I ever did since my creation was displease my creator. I only ever had good intentions. Why did She do this to me? I bowed my head, unable to look at Ishahn as she cast me aside too.
"But I love you," she said. "I love you," she repeated.
I looked at her, bleeding on the inside. It's what I had always wanted to hear from her. It was the best and worst news all at once. I smiled at her through my tears.
"She's given all the humans a soul now," she told me, her voice breathy with excitement. "But they're all enslaved."
I felt the first stirrings of darkness within myself. I had the solution immediately. Ishahn wouldn't like it. No one would like it. But what difference did it make? I was cast out. A black mark.
"I will free them," I told her.
It wasn't a battle. It wasn't long and drawn out. It wasn't a fight, really. I am a demigod. There are many wondrous and terrible things I can do. So. I did it. I freed them. All of them. All at once. All the humans. It was easy. I wish it hadn't been.
The Elves have every right to call me Destroyer and Usurper. I destroyed them. I killed them. I drove them to the corners of the world. I tried to get all of them. The Mother's favored things. And even now, when I should be sorry? I am not. I will spare you the details. You will surely hate me if I tell you what I've done. Just know that it was done because I loved her.
And what do you think, Little Priestess, that Ishahn thought of me then? Do you think she was grateful for me freeing her people? A people she now led out of bondage to lands of promise and plenty. Even then I knew when she'd said she loved me it had been a lie. A manipulation. A trick to get me to free her people. And if the Mother hadn't cast me out before? It was set in stone now.
Ishahn could barely look at me. I disgusted her. She fell in love with another. She said they were friends, but I saw them together.
So, I left her. I went about my own business. Alone. I created my abominations. I toyed with cults that worshipped me. Until I went to Mt. Hyn to enjoy my solitude. She came back to me then, my beautiful Ishahn.
She came back with all the gifts. The power of the Mother hummed around her, made her shine with light. I loved her even more. I went to her, like a fool, reaching for her. I had thought she'd returned to love me again. Or lie to me. I didn't care. I would have taken the lie. I was dying without being able to die. I just wanted her to be there. To see me. To understand. That's what love is anyway. It's understanding. Knowing.
"I'm sorry, Sahimul," she said. That's all she said to me.
Then I was sealed in stone.
Then I met you. You freed me. You follow my enemy, the cruel Liriel. You believe I'm the Destroyer. You hate me. I'd rather go back to sleep, Linarra. So. Get it over with.