I can't sleep.
Coco does, next to me, but I can tell he is having his nightmares and a part of me worries about how he will be tommorow, but I can't touch him.
I keep seeing blood on my hands.
I keep hearing the voices.
They are harsh and unpleasant.
They say mean things.
They call me a witch and say I bring bad luck.
And when I cannot take it anymore, I'm outside my room to the patio infront of the house, sitting at the stairs and looking at the sky.
Father would always show me constellations when he could.
'Thats Cancer'
'Scorpio, look at his pretty tail'
Father...
I keep thinking of him now, and I keep wondering how life might have been if he had taken me away, from Mother, from the orphanage....
Would no one have hurt?
Would... Would I just be a normal girl?
Having friends, not being so lost and confused.
Not...
Being this person that I am.
"Vanessa"
I turn as I see the red eyed male slowly sit next to me on the stairs, not looking at me as he says "Can't sleep?"
I say nothing, still looking at him before he turns to me, a cigarette in his mouth.
Before I can stop myself, I take it out of his mouth and throw it away.
He cusses, walking to the stump and stepping on it "You have to take the light off idiot"
As he says that, he pauses, as if he has crossed a boundary but I say nothing as he sighs and goes back to sitting next to me "So you're not as chirpy as earlier today? What's gotten you into this mood?"
"I'd like it if you left me alone" I say quietly.
He hears though acting like he didn't hear me as he says "And it's chilly, here"
He puts a winter jacket over my shoulder, not looking at me as he keeps looking away before he says "Would you like to leave?"
I turn to him as he says "They can't force you to stay here you know. I can... I could take you far away from them, and protect you"
"I'm tired of being turned around" I say.
He turns to me then "It's not that, it's just.... Shit, Vanessa, today you were happily telling me about how you thought Ryan Reynolds was cute and wouldn't stop yammering now you're quiet and acting all broken"
"So?" I ask "How is that your concern?"
He stares at me for a while, then cusses as he looks away "Look, you're like a younger sister to me now and I want you okay. Staying here... It's obvious they hurt you here"
"It's not always like this"
He freezes, as if he has heard that before as I continue "Fights... I can handle that, I can handle being hit and shouted at, but I'm tired of being tossed around like I'm nothing but a piece of trash"
I stand up there, knowing staying here would be pointless as I return the jacket "Thank you, but no thank you"
As I am about to leave, he holds my hands and i stop, turning to him.
He retracts his hand there, sighing and raking a hand in his hair "I'm leaving to Italy tommorow. I... I might never see you again... Can you just... Tell me? Think about it? I'd wait for you. I'd...."
I smile "I'm not a pity case Mr Alessandro"
"You're not and don't call me that. I already told you to call me Raphael"
"But I'm happy here" I say "Don't wait for me... And I hope you have a safe trip... Raphael"
And I leave.
When I get back to my room, Coco is curled in the bed, sweating and muttering words but I lay on the bed and let my hand brush his face.
He immediately releases, no more tensing as he opens his eyes "Va-Vanilla?"
I can tell he's still sleepy so I say "I'm here"
He is suddenly curling to my belly, resting there "Thank you"
He doesn't have nightmares anymore after that.
*
The next morning when I wake up, Coco is already awake and dressed for school, next to me and scribbling a female, one with quite striking features on a notepad.
His notepad.
His eyes are intense, just like they were back in that room as he keeps shading.
In a way, I feel like he would break whatever he's using cause I can't even see it as I lie down but I say instead "She's pretty"
He pauses, not moving his hands anymore before he suddenly says "She was my caretaker"
His voice is low, and dark, scary even.
I somehow want to be as far away as possible, because he could snap neck if he wanted to but I don't...
Instead I wait for him to continue as he did "I was six? Seven? And she was the one who took care of me because my parents were always too busy attending one party or another... I saw her as a Mother, confidante, friend, besides I was homeschooled so she was all I had.
"It had been one of the parties.... Father and Mother had said they wanted the world to see me now. You see, they hid me and made sure she made me perfect, perfect enough to reflect their status... I didn't understand that then but I came for it. No person my age was there, just adults who kept touching me and feeling me. The woman most especially couldn't keep their eyes off me....."
He closes his eyes as he gulps "One party night, my caretaker is talking to one of the masked women, they... They always wore masks... And the woman is staring at me, smiling. Her smile is scary, it creeped me out... I ran to my Caretaker for help, she said she would always be there. She touched my hair and kissed it. She said so many things and I believed because... Because I was alone, I was... Just a perfect statue for my parents to flaunt with...
"Then one night, during one of the parties, I'm ten, old enough to have an okay looking penis, she leads me to this room... A part of our house I never knew, and there's... There's THAT creepy woman there. My caretaker looks me in the eye and she says... Everything is going to alright. I just had to go with the flow, that I'd like it...."
He lets out a chuckle "And I did, a small, innocent bastard like me did, but when she was done... She just... Treated me like trash. A ten year old boy was heartbroken... But it didn't stop there...."
His hand squeezes the paper "Every night, after I finally got over my stupid heartbreak and I was thirteen, every fucking night my parents threw a party, she kept locking me with women. They weren't just one, no. They were three or four, or five, and they were... I was their toy and they did whatever they wanted. It wasn't fun anymore, I wanted out, they were draining me... But my... My so called 'mother' she says that she would tell my parents about me masturbating to the older woman from when I was ten.. that she had videos as evidence"
He laughs, looking at me, his eyes hard as steel "Can you believe that? My own... Women..." He laughs again "Women came after me because I was little had defenseless. They came to use me because I was a kid and men had used them as well"
I want to reach out for him, hold him but I don't as he says "Years pass, I'm depressed, I'm popping pills and drugs to make sure I have something to SMILE about, so that at every party, my parents don't.. don't think their kid is mentally insane, so that they don't know I'm a prolific perverted creature... Until one night when I was sixteen, I hear my darling caretaker, telling that same woman that abandoned me when I was ten that they was another one, of me. Can you believe that Nilla? I never knew I had a twin brother. Caramel was locked up somewhere, and I had no idea.... At first, I was so... So angry.
"Why was I the only one going through the torture of being a sex slave? Why was I the only one whose confidence was eating him up? But then I realized... That... That I could finally have someone I could trust... Someone... Someone not tainted, because you see, Caramel was locked up all sixteen years of his life. He doesn't know that people raped me, he doesn't know I use drugs to survive. If I... If I saved my brother from wherever he was... Maybe he would love me... Maybe he would never... Never leave me"
He smiles "So I did. I busted down the door, took a crazily thin Caramel and ran away... I shouldn't have though. Caramel... You see, my caretaker was in charge of him too... She wasn't taking care of him well. He wouldn't eat, and I... We were on the streets Nilla. It was just a week before Mistress found us but I nearly lost Mel twice.... I love that boy with my whole heart.. I love Mistress too for saving me. I also love Cream and Strawberry because they don't... Mind what I have done and they still love me"
"And I love you" I say... Whisper as I reach out to touch his cheeks "I don't care what happened. It's obviously not your fault"
"Oh I know, if you didn't, I would have killed you in your sleep"
I pause, believing him momentarily as he holds my hand, cradling it "Where did you go last night my love?"
I freeze and I believe he notices as he says "Did you plan on running away again?"
"No"
My answer is immediate and he seems... Hurt as I say "No, no, I couldn't sleep, I wanted to walk around.."
"Okie"
He kisses me there, his mouth tasting like hot chocolate as he pulls me closer.
The warmth is comfortable for me as I let him continue, his hands going into my pyjamas before I say "No Coco, enough"
"Mhmm"
He sucks on my lower lips and bites it before pulling away, whispering "You taste so good. I want to eat you, quite literally. If you want I could..."
I push him away "I have to bath!"
He laughs, standing up as he keeps staring at me.
I stare back "What is it?"
"I feel at peace, without the drugs that is. I only feel like that when I sleep with people I love when I have a nightmare" He says, smiling "I love you Vanilla"
"Oh I know"
He chuckles there "Have your bath, I'm driving you on my motorcycle today"
And before I can reply, he's out of the room.