I hope to think she would be proud of me. Willow was badass, she protected me when Mom and Dad kicked me out for being gay. She taught me self-defense. She taught me everything I know from how to run from the cops, to how to take care of myself when there is no power or water in the house, to just how to get the basic needs when you had no cash. When she died, I didn't know how I would cope or handle myself, then I met him. Maybe life won't be so bad with her gone. I mean yes it will suck not having her up to my ass all the time to make sure I shower and brush my teeth, but it will be peaceful, I think. I have him, maybe it will fill that really empty void.
Maybe he and I will get along, fall in love but, what if he finds out about me and what I've done. What if he finds out why Willow and I had to change our names and run from the cops? Why we had to get new IDs and passports. What if he discovers we killed our parents in spite? I personally think they got everything they deserved from how we tortured them till dad begged us to stop, to forcing dad to watch us, skin mom, alive. They tortured us for years, beating us for no reason, mom never bothered to help she just stood there and watched. I mean it's not that bad. Right? But still, we ran because Dad is infamous for making his enemies pay for what they have done, no matter if you're family or not. He has connections in high places that could put you in your own personal hell if he asked or even a snap of his fingers. If any of them were to find out what we did to Him and mom, they would do what we did to our parents, or even worse.
One thing she taught me how to do was lie, conceal emotions, hide from cameras, even cut your emotions completely off. Faking them is quite easy when you have been doing it for years to be able to protect yourself from your own family. It sucks that you have to do that, around your OWN family. But our family name and history have a lot of meaning and pain that binds us all. Our family name is royal, our name was known across states, countries. IF we didn't get away in time everyone would have found out, and God knows what would have happened to us.
We loved mom until she decided to put me through conversion therapy like that would actually do something. I still love men nothing could change that. Neither could guilt tripping me to date women all these years, hell she even forced me to go home with a stripper to try and "strip the gay away," in her words exactly. Now that he's in my life maybe that could change. She acted like she could "pray the gay away," as that could actually do something. You can't change who someone feels attracted to/loves. You are telling people that they can't love the same gender because of what, it's wrong? There is literally nothing wrong with 2 people doing what was intended for all humans, love/loving each other.
I know I'm only a high schooler, but I feel 35 because of how long I've been doing this. I am a fugitive; nothing could change that. I will be running all my life, I can never settle down with someone, even if I wanted to, I can't. I'm a nomad, always moving from place to place, never settling down and choosing this place to be your so-called "home." My home if I was being completely honest is starting to look a lot like Ben's arms.
I can hide a lot of emotions but, I never learned how to conceal fear. Fear is an emotion you can't really hide or mask. You can for a short bit, but never for a long amount of time. Meaning, you can hide it from yourself and others for a short while, but it never truly fades away, it never will, until you either a. become comfortable with what you are fearing or b. you take the fear away completely concurring with what you were afraid of in the first place. I choose B, I'm going to try and stay in this place with Ben, or wherever he goes. He is starting to become my home, wherever he goes I will follow.
Maybe he sees mine through my own mask, I'll find out sooner or later, but right now I have to act innocent around him. He doesn't know anything yet. I'll tell him later when I trust him, but I can't right now, I don't want him to think differently of me. He looks at me with such love and trust. Maybe this town is truly different, I hope so. I'll stay till I graduate, but then I have to leave. Maybe he will come with me? I don't know at this point when I look at him, I see a future, a home? I never know who to trust. I follow that rule always, but what if this is different. A great difference I mean, in an aspect of having something to look forward to, I don't have to run anymore, that would be a big relief.
I see myself falling for him, but only if he doesn't leave. I have started to be able to know if someone is preparing themselves or is planning on leaving. It is honestly sad but sometimes you have to do the impossible to get through life. Sometimes doing the impossible is required for survival. The worst I've ever seen while doing this for a while is seeing the fear not in someone else eyes, but in yours. I've seen it once in the mirror while trying to get ready for a party, I still had to maintain normal teenager things only without getting caught. I looked up in the mirror and I saw all the fear in my eyes that I've always known was there, but I've never seen it myself, it was terrifying to say the least. It was like looking at someone before you took their life, the look of utter horror that spreads across their face and eyes.
I realized I had zoned out even though when Ben was trying to talk to me this entire time, sorry not sorry. "Aiden? Are you okay? You look lost." He was about to grab my hand, but I winced for some reason, and he pulled away. "Oh yeah I'm fine, sorry I kind of zoned out thinking about Willow, and I'm sorry about that." He doesn't seem as mad as I thought he would be about me almost ignoring him in a since, I think I heard him talking about something, but I just got lost in my mind. "If you don't mind me asking, why did you pull away when I tried to grab your hand earlier. You know I would never harm you in any such way, right?" He cares? "I honestly thought you were going to hit me slap me etc. for not listening and zoning out while you were speaking to me, sorry again for that." He seems genuinely concerned for me, it's weird if I were being honest, which I am. "Aiden I would never hit you, and I'm sorry you would think I would do that, for you simply zoning out, everyone does every once in a while."
My favorite song came on the radio when he finished talking. Maybe it's a sign that we could be a good thing? Well, if it is a sign, I'm going to take it as a positive one. I started doing this weird little wiggle dance, I can't dance so wiggling it is. "Aiden you look like a wiggle worm what the hell are you doing mi amor?" Did he just call me his love? I could honestly get used to the sound of that. "I can't dance so I choose to wiggle instead, got a problem with it?" He started laughing his ass off at me, God his laugh is so beautiful. He looks like God himself hand-crafted him.
"Hey, do you have a light by chance I forgot my vape." He looks confused, you'd think he would know what a light is, figuring that because he smokes too. "Oh yeah, check the glove compartment, you got to remember to bring your vape next time. Cigarettes are worse than whatever the hell you're breathing in that thing." He cares, strange, but comforting.
I dug around in his messy compartment thing till I found a hello kitty lighter, I started to giggle a bit. "Hey now don't laugh at hello kitty she's a bad ass. " "I wasn't laughing at that part B, just found it funny that someone like you would like hello kitty that's what I meant." He looks even more pissed off now if that's even possible. "What do you mean by someone like you?" I think I messed up. "I didn't mean it in a bad way, just that I didn't think you of all people would be into Hello Kitty." "Oh, I notice you said B, is that a new nickname for me or something?" Fuck uhm, I didn't expect him to actual pick up on the fact I called him B, honestly, it's a short term for "baby" or "babe," but he doesn't need to know that. "Oh yeah, I thought it would suit you and it does." Baby, that rolls off my tongue quite well.