I poured out my heart and soul into my journal. I didn't have to hide anything when I was writing and just felt so free after I vented out everything. Even if it was only for a brief moment, I found myself liberated and at peace. After that therapeutic session of journalling, I lied down and tried to sleep. But sleep seemed to evade me as only one face seemed to be haunting me,Roy's.
The worst thing about trying to move on after a break up is that, you suddenly don't remember why you took the decision to break up, but recollect all the memories you made with him and why you loved him,and that was what was happening to me.
Instead of getting myself motivated with Roy's betrayal, my mind was getting flooded with the what if's and my fears for the unknown future. So, I continued to write and keep myself occupied with my assignments the whole day next day.
Soon,it was our presentation day, and though I had rehearsed with Zeke and had been told I could do it, I felt nervous and wasn't so sure anymore,like I was unsure about everything else in my life.
Zeke saw me fidgeting with my pen, and nudged me,"Issy, we'll do great. We make a great team". He flashed me his signature grin which showed his prominent dimples and I couldn't help but smile back.
It was our turn to go up the stage,so we went, Zeke leading me like the leader he was born to be. He confidently went up the stage and gave a brief introduction about our project and why we both chose to do that project.
After he spoke his piece, he came to me and whispered, " You can do it,go break a leg". I smiled at him and stood to face my class mates and the professors and the few other juniors who had come to watch our presentations.
I saw a familiar figure at the back row which I could recognize anywhere I saw. Roy. Why had he come here for? He wasn't even listening when I told him about my finals project.
Just as I was about to start with my explanation, I got my answer. Alyssa was here as well.
I ignored the sting I felt in my chest and looked over at Zeke,who was smiling at me and encouraging me silently,mouthing out,"You can do it", I felt a new confidence in me and started to deliver my piece.
I ended my piece and rolled out the credits in my end slide and Zeke and I both exited the stage together.
Unable to be in the same space as Roy and Alyssa, I excused myself and went out for some air.
"You did great",he said as he came out to meet me and added,"You shouldn't doubt yourself too much Issy".
"Thank you Roy,but what are you doing here? I'm sure you didn't come all the way here,missing your football practice just to come see me give some presentation?", I said indifferently, though my heart was hurting.
"Issy, about that day,let me expl....", he started,but I cut him off mid-sentence, "Roy, I don't think any of your explanations will help now. I have tried to remain blind to your affairs and excuses and making myself a fool in the process.."
"But Issy...", he tried to interrupt me, but, I indicated him to stop and and continued,"Roy,I have been a fool, so blind to love and hope. But now I know, that there has to be a limit to everything, even love. I cannot continue to make excuses for the things you do and keep on getting myself be emotionally abused time and again, its time I realized that I made a stupid mistake by trusting you and giving myself up to you though you never deserved it, but I need to forgive myself as well and just move on. The future will bring what the future has to bring. If I find someone who loves me, then he will accept me no matter how flawed I am and my virginity wouldn't matter to him, so nope, I won't be afraid anymore. I won't be caught up in your web of lies anymore. Roy, the man I fell in love with, was a good man,honest and kind but the man that is standing in front of me right now, is a jerk and a plain cheater. I don't hate you but I don't like this version of you or what you did to me. I forgive you though,but it will take sometime for me to heal,and during that time, I just wish you'd not contact me".
I finished my piece and though it sounded like I made a badass speech, I was crumbling on the inside and I was fighting my tears. I held on to the railing nearby and waited until Roy left. Only then did I release my pent up tears and let it flow.
"You did great Issy,I'm so proud of you",Zeke came beside me and I don't know how long he was standing there or how much of it all he had heard but I turned to him and when he gave me a hug, I didn't pull myself away.
He didn't say anything and just silently comforted me. I needed that and we stood there for a whole 10 minutes or so when I realized that I had spoiled his shirt with my tears.
"I'm so sorry Zeke, let me wash it off for you",I offered, embarrassed by my behavior. I seemed to be embarrassing myself quite a lot in front of Zeke lately. I thought about it and gave a bitter smile.
He smiled back at me and added," I don't mind it Issy,at least it'd mean that I could be your friend when you needed one". "Zeke, thank you,for everything", I couldn't add any more word as those words summed up everything that I felt to him.
"I believe I owe you dinner, so shall we, My Lady?", he jested to lighten the air and to which I obliged by giving him my hand,"We shall. Just give me a few minutes to freshen up. I don't want to be looking like I just got stung by a bee, with my eyes all puffed up". He laughed out loud at that, " Sure,take your sweet time. I'll be here waiting".