AN: So I basically found a script generator entered some Random prompts and generated... the result is something weird lol so listen the generator made this not me lol.
INT. KINGS CROSS STATION, LONDON - AFTERNOON
Virtuous author MR DAN PITT is arguing with popular actor SIR RICK GREY. DAN tries to hug RICK but he shakes him off.
DAN
Please Rick, don't leave me.
RICK
I'm sorry Dan, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
DAN
I am such a person!
RICK frowns.
RICK
I'm sorry, Dan. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
RICK leaves.
DAN sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, thoughtful lawyer LORD CUTHBERT SLAUGHTERHOUSE barges in looking flustered.
DAN
Goodness, Cuthbert! Is everything okay?
CUTHBERT
I'm afraid not.
DAN
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
CUTHBERT
It's ... a God ... I saw an evil God Kill a bunch of children!
DAN
Defenseless children?
CUTHBERT
Yes, defenseless children!
DAN
Bloomin' heck, Cuthbert! We've got to do something.
CUTHBERT
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
DAN
You can start by telling me where this happened.
CUTHBERT
I was...
CUTHBERT fans himself and begins to wheeze.
DAN
Focus Cuthbert, focus! Where did it happen?
CUTHBERT
a supermarket! That's right - a supermarket!
DAN springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
DAN rushes along the street, followed by CUTHBERT. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. A SUPERMARKET - SHORTLY AFTER
BETH BLACKMAN a peculiar God terrorises two children.
DAN, closely followed by CUTHBERT, rushes towards BETH, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
CUTHBERT
What is is? What's the matter?
DAN
That's not just any old God, that's Beth Blackman!
CUTHBERT
Who's Beth Blackman?
DAN
Who's Beth Blackman? Who's Beth Blackman? Only the most peculiar God in the universe!
CUTHBERT
Blinkin' knickers, Dan! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most peculiar God in the universe!
DAN
You can say that again.
CUTHBERT
Blinkin' knickers, Dan! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most peculiar God in the universe!
DAN
I'm going to need Holy Grail, lots of Holy Grail.
Beth turns and sees Dan and Cuthbert. She grins an evil grin.
BETH
Dan Pitt, we meet again.
CUTHBERT
You've met?
DAN
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young DAN is sitting in a park listening to some jazz music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees BETH. He takes off his headphones.
BETH
Would you like some barley sugar?
DAN's eyes light up, but then he studies BETH more closely, and looks uneasy.
DAN
I don't know, you look kind of peculiar.
BETH
Me? No. I'm not peculiar. I'm the least peculiar God in the world.
DAN
Wait, you're a God?
DAN runs away, screaming.
EXT. A SUPERMARKET - PRESENT DAY
BETH
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
CUTHBERT
(To DAN) You ran away?
DAN
(To CUTHBERT) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
DAN turns to BETH.
DAN
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
DAN runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
DAN
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with Holy Grail.
BETH
I'm not scared of you.
DAN
You should be.
INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - LATER THAT DAY
DAN and CUTHBERT walk around searching for something.
DAN
I feel sure I left my Holy Grail somewhere around here.
CUTHBERT
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly Holy Grail.
DAN
You know nothing Cuthbert Slaughterhouse.
CUTHBERT
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, BETH appears, holding a pair of Holy Grail.
BETH
Looking for something?
CUTHBERT
Crikey, Dan, she's got your Holy Grail.
DAN
Tell me something I don't already know!
CUTHBERT
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
DAN
I know that already!
CUTHBERT
I'm A God.
BETH
(appalled) Dude!
While BETH is looking at CUTHBERT with disgust, DAN lunges forward and grabs his deadly Holy Grail. He wields them, triumphantly.
DAN
Prepare to die, you peculiar parsnip!
BETH
No please! All I did was Kill a bunch of children!
RICK enters, unseen by any of the others.
DAN
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Dan Pitt defender of innocent children.
BETH
Don't hurt me! Please!
DAN
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these Holy Grail on you right away!
BETH
Because Dan, I am your mother.
DAN looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
DAN
No you're not!
BETH
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
BETH tries to grab the Holy Grail but DAN dodges out of the way.
DAN
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, BETH slumps to the ground.
CUTHBERT
Did she just faint?
DAN
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly Holy Grail.
DAN crouches over BETH's body.
CUTHBERT
Be careful, Dan. It could be a trick.
DAN
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Beth Blackman is dead!
DAN
What?
DAN
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
CUTHBERT claps his hands.
CUTHBERT
So your Holy Grail did save the day, after all.
RICK steps forward.
RICK
Is it true? Did you kill the peculiar God?
DAN
Rick how long have you been...?
RICK puts his arm around DAN.
RICK
Long enough.
DAN
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Beth Blackman.
RICK
Then the children are safe?
DAN
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.
RICK
You are their hero.
The children bow to DAN.
DAN
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Beth Blackman will never Kill children ever again, is enough for me.
RICK
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the children passes DAN a mystical Excalibur
RICK
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
DAN
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
DAN
Well, if you insist.
DAN takes the Excalibur.
DAN
Thank you.
The children bow their heads once more, and leave.
DAN turns to RICK.
DAN
Does this mean you want me back?
RICK
Oh, Dan, of course I want you back!
DAN smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
DAN
Well you can't have me.
RICK
WHAT?
DAN
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a God to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
RICK
But...
DAN
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Cuthbert.
CUTHBERT grins.
RICK
But...
CUTHBERT
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
RICK
Dan?
DAN
I'm sorry Rick, but I think you should skidaddle.
RICK leaves.
CUTHBERT turns to DAN.
CUTHBERT
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
DAN
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly CUTHBERT stops.
CUTHBERT
When I said I'm A God, you know I was just trying to distract the God don't you?
THE END