It feels like the first week of summer all over again where we hosted this Welcome party. Now we're hosting another, and this time it's a send-off party. The kind of gathering where we say goodbyes to the friends we made over the holidays.
I overhear a couple promising each other to call and text everyday, some breaking up because they can't commit to a long distance relationship. I can't even find Noah anywhere, and I'm nervous about how we'll end up after this summer. I don't want to be remembered as some random girl he hooked up with during a summer vacation in Hawaii. Yes, I want to be remembered, but not that way.
"Hey, lover girl." I holler at Simone, signaling for her to come over. The sun went down hours ago and it's a beach party with bonfires lighting up the whole place.
"Hey to you too." She downs a bottle of beer in one gulp and throws the empty bottle to the sand. "So, this summer ended, and so did my relationship."
"Wait, what? What happened with you and Tom?"
"I'm too high to explain right now. I just need a bed, a pillow and enough middle fingers for the male species because men ain't shit."
I stare at her sympathetically. "First heartbreak, huh?"
"Hurts like a bitch." She staggers off into the building and I feel Lacey's presence beside me, watching Simone along with me.
"What's wrong with her?"
"Looks like a bad breakup. I thought they'd last at least for a year," I say.
"So you're telling me right now that Simone's single and drunk?"
"Yep, that's pretty much the whole summary." The smile that lights up her face surprises me.
"I'll be right back."
"What are you going to do?" I'm greeted with no response as she ignores me, swaying her way to Simone's direction.
Huh.
I see Cory heading right towards me with a big smile on his face and I only blink when he proceeds to hug me. "Can you believe this is over?" He grins, and I can see why he still has legions of girls falling all over him. He's the perfect Asian nice guy, the guy you want to marry, the guy your parents want you to marry.
I can now see clearly why I thought he was the love of my life. He represented perfection, something I could never attain. He was everything I thought I needed to have the perfect life. But then I met someone who taught me that it was okay to not be perfect. Besides, perfect is boring.
Cory isn't perfect to me anymore. We're still friends and it's nothing like before. I'm not constantly star struck and dazed when he's around.
"Believe it or not, we're getting out of here tomorrow." I try to smile.
He tilts his head to the side. "You look worried. Did you have a fight with Noah?"
"I hope I wouldn't. Have you seen him anywhere?"
"He was sitting alone on a large rock when I saw him." Cory points to a far dark corner of the beach. "You should go to him. He needs you, Allie."
He pats my shoulders in a friendly way as I immediately start walking in that direction. Cory was right. Noah's head is hanging down when I approach him and he looks like he's deep in thought. Maybe I'm not the only one worried about us.
"Why are you here?" His head flies up. "The party is over there."
"I wanted to be alone. Besides, you know how terrible I am at socializing."
I hop in beside him on the rock, occupying an empty space. "I could give you a few tips."
"Nah. I think I like me this way."
"I like you this way too. A lot."
"Really?" He takes a sip of his beer.
"You don't try to fit in with everyone else. You're just like in your own world. And it's amazing. I like this Noah. Don't ever try to change him."
He stares at me for awhile before looking straight ahead. "It's been quite a crazy holiday. You made this bearable, more than that. I don't know how many times you made me smile or laugh or just forget it all for little spaces of time. I think I'd have gone crazy without you, Allie. I'm going to be there for you. You're not going to be able to shake me loose."
"You're used to getting what you want," I murmur. "I wonder if I am. It doesn't feel as if that's true."
"You could change that."
He's right. It's a matter of patience, perseverance, control. And perhaps, wanting the right things. I want him, I want to think that one day we can sit here again listening to the wood thrush of summer while Noah gazes at me the way he's doing right now. I want to come here every summer with him year after year.
If it's the right thing, and I can persevere.
"I'm going to make you a promise." I follow the impulse and turn to him, letting my heart be reckless. He's so much what I need, sitting there with his jeans torn at the knee, his hair too long, his feet bare. "If, when this is over, when all the steps have been taken and your brother's out of prison, when we're both older and out of College... if I can and you still want me, I'll marry you."
My heart stutters in my chest when he blinks severally and very carefully, sets his bottle of beer aside and rises to his feet. "Tell me you love me."
It's there, in my heart, begging to be said. But I shake my head. "When its all over. If you still want me."
"That's not the kind of promises that suits me. No qualifications, Allie. No whens, no ifs. Just you."
"It's all I can give you. It's all I have."
"I'll write. I'll call, hell, I'll send faxes. You'll hardly know I've left." He closes his eyes and hugs me.
I wish nothing had to change from the way it is now. I don't want to forget anything about him. I don't want to forget his eyes; I fell for them first. His eyelashes that always points down. The way he stares at me that stops me from breathing. How he walks, every step matters to him.
I definitely don't want to forget how his hands feels on mine. Even when it's windy, it keeps me warm somehow. His hair, the sweep of it; every color fades into another.
Small details he remembers about me. I never expected he'd know so many. The warmth of his breath. I can always feel it somehow. The way he listens. It's why he doesn't like being the center of attention. He prefers to watch, because sometimes life is better that way. He taught me that.
His smell, it's hard to describe. It's still my favorite. There are so many things I don't want to forget. I could find more if I looked... but I should probably stop here.
Morning comes sooner than I expect, and I'd gotten hold of myself by the time we've checked our bags in the van ready to take us to the airport. An hour long cry was good enough for everyone.
"Do you think we should do this again?" Lacey asks as we both stand outside the hotel, watching everyone carry out their stuffs. "Maybe when we're all freshly graduated from College. Just another vacation like this. It could be like a reunion."
"I don't know, Lacey. Everyone wouldn't be the same anymore." And Cory would've been out of the country too. I see him help Alexa carry her luggage into the van and our eyes lock for a moment. He flashes me a genuine smile that it's hard for me not to reciprocate.
Noah's kissing Miss Renee and Jane goodbye. It's a beautiful image, one that I can't stop smiling at.
I think of them, the three guys that miraculously walked into my life and made me into a whole different person, either positively or negatively. Clarke, Cory, and then Noah.
One taught me love.
One taught me patience.
One taught me pain.