It's August twenty-one.
A.K.A My sister's birthday.
A.K.A two days before the hotel's thirtieth anniversary.
A.K.A six days since I last saw Noah.
I wake up a little after nine a.m on Thursday and prepare myself for the day ahead. I decide to go for a run this morning, wanting my thoughts to myself and not Lacey's relentless ranting. After six miles, I head upstairs to shower and get dressed to join the chefs in the kitchen for the preparations on the party.
We had a week's break from our assigned works, but everyone is back to their duties since we've got the anniversary to prepare for. Staffs are allowed into the party this time. No need for sneaking in.
I slip on an apron and whip up the cream cheese icing for the cake. I curse myself for thinking of Noah at the sight of them and whip faster. It makes me remember when we tried to bake a cake and failed drastically at it.
I suddenly have a craving for alcohol, hoping to dull some of the pain because alcohol is the poster child for broken heart syndrome.
I hate him. I hate that we weren't even in a relationship and it still hurts this bad. He's like snow. It's cold, and cruel to begin with. But somehow, it's beautiful. And you miss it when it's not there. And if you hold it in your hands close and long enough, it changes. It melts.
That night, I almost saw him cry. I'll never forget what it looked like. There's a lot of vulnerability in that cold demeanor, Miss Renee confirmed that when she said she finally saw him cry.
After whipping up the cream, I leave the kitchen for the chefs to handle the rest. I pass by the pasture as I spot Cory watching the horses graze. I stand for a moment, watching him. He comes out here almost everyday as of recent. I've seen him wander away from the hotel, the barn, the paddocks, and head for the pasture.
He would stand by the fence, very still, very quiet.
Very alone.
I walk towards him, careful to make enough noise so that he wouldn't be startled. When he turns, his smile comes slow and hesitant.
"You shouldn't be out here," he says. "You're still in recovery."
"Stop acting like I'm some porcelain doll. I'm not going to break any minute."
"But your health is priority," he reaches over to pick something from my hair. "Want to go for a ride?"
"What?"
"Molly's a good saddle horse. Kind. Her gait's a bit rough, but she tries. Can you ride western, Allie?"
"I don't understand."
"You want a ride, don't you?" He slides an old saddle onto Molly's back. "I thought we'd go up in the hills a little way. Might see some elk."
I find myself caught between yearning and fear. "I haven't ridden in a long time."
"You don't forget how." Cory estimates the length of my legs and adjusts the stirrups accordingly. "You don't have to be afraid."
"But still..."
He stands as he is, hands linked in a cup, his eyes patient on mine. "You just have to put your foot in my hands, Allie, not your life."
I grumble, but let him give me a boost up. "This better be worth it."
As we ride farther into the hills, the scenery slowly changes from buildings to forest trees. A forest river ends in a tiny waterfall, which at the bottom forms a crystal clear swimming hole. The sun shines down the water making it glimmer like glass and the greenery around the edge is covered in water droplets sparkling like little emeralds.
"This is amazing." I find myself saying.
A tree near the water's edge has wood planks nailed in, so it could be used as a ladder to reach a thick branch. Cory smiles, climbs down from the horse and takes off his shirt.
"What are you doing?"
He looks over his shoulder before jumping into the clear blue water.
"Is that even safe?" I laugh. "You don't know what's in that water."
"Relax. It's not like some Shark is going to attack me or..." Cory ends with a scream and sinks underwater like he's being dragged by something.
I see no trace of him anymore. Panic kicks in. "Cory?"
No answer.
This feels like a low budget horror movie.
"Cory!" I go charging into the water despite my health, not caring about my clothes getting damp. Then like a flash, he resurfaces out of the water with a loud, "BOO!"
His laughter comes next.
"You idiot!" I feel relief and anger all at once. Relief that he's fine, and anger for making my clothes wet.
"I just wanted you to get into the water with me."
"You should've just asked! I was worried something happened, and... what's with that look?" His laughter is gone, replaced by a more serious and intense expression.
"Now you know how it feels. If you ever try to commit suicide again, I'm going to kill you myself."
"It wasn't that bad."
"I heard the doctors say you were dead," he runs a hand through his wet hair. "You have no idea."
"But here I am. Healthy and very alive."
"And I thank the heavens for that," he whispers, leaning closer. Just a little more closer and our lips might collide.
I pull back instantly, creating enough space between us as I turn to leave. "It's freezing. We should get out."
I don't know if he follows me, but I climb out of the water to dry myself off. The frown on my face dissolves when I catch him staring at me, and I replace it with a smile as a reassurance that I'm alright.
But I'm not.
I act like everything's fine; I laugh at people's jokes, I do silly things with my friends and I act like I have a carefree life. It's funny though, when I'm alone by myself I just turn off that mental switch. I suddenly breakdown and I feel empty, alone, and tired. I can't exactly describe how I feel into words, but it's like I have two different me's: one for the public, and one for myself. If only they knew.
If only.
We ride back towards the hotel through the greasy meadows and the setting sun casts a warm glow around us. The time reads 4:52 pm, and I curse myself for not leaving Mabel any birthday messages. We might not be on talking terms, but I think it's only right I at least leave a phone call.
My guts tells me she wouldn't pick up the call, and it's more than confirmed when the phone rings and goes straight to voicemail.
"This is the voicemail box of The Goddess. Bow down and leave your humble message after the beep."
I do a mental eye roll.
"Hey. I know lately, we had some disagreements. I've been distant from you. Like you're... you're pulling away or something. I miss playing board games every night, solving crossword puzzles at sunrise, watching westerns together before we doze off." I give a deep sigh.
"But I know you're getting older. Growing. Changing. And I guess... if I'm being honest, that's what scares me. I don't want things to change. So I think that's why I tried to maybe... stop that change. To turn back the clock. To make things go back to how they were. But I know that's naive. It's not how life works... it's moving. Always moving wether you like it or not. And yeah, sometimes it's painful. Sometimes it's sad. So you know what? Keep on growing up, kid. Don't let me stop you. Make mistakes, learn from them. And when life hurts you, because it will, remember the hurt. The hurt is good. It means you're out of that cave. Happy sweet sixteen, you annoying lobster."
Not the best birthday message, but it's better than nothing.
Simone and Lacey are playing the loudspeakers on high volume when I slip into the room. They reduce the sound a bit as they spot me.
"You're here!" Lacey chirps. "Just who we're waiting for."
There's a bucket of alcohol sitting in the middle of the room, and Simone has a digital camera held up to my face. "Say hi to the camera."
"Who owns that?" I ask, referring to the camera.
"Miss Renee let us borrow it for the evening," she says, handing it over to me to have a look. "Just don't delete any media in there. The hotel's recorded presentation for the anniversary tomorrow are all stored there. Her ass would really get fired this time if it gets wiped away."
"Cool." I look through the camera lens and click on video.
I watch Lacey through the camera pop open a bottle of champagne. "Let's make a toast."
"What are we celebrating?" I wonder.
"Being alive." She pours the liquid into three cups and hands it to us. "To us, to our trio, may we always be close. Because if two heads are better, then three's better than most."
Five and a half bottles of champagne later...
"I lost my virginity to a guy who wasn't circumcised. Not a big deal, but he was a Virgin too. A couple minutes in, he thrusted too hard, and it forced his foreskin back, ripping it from the base of the head back. It started bleeding profusely," Lacey hiccups and empties the rest of the liquid in the champagne bottle down her throat. "He ended up having to go to the hospital and getting five or six stitches in his dick, which resulted in an inch-long scar. They say you never forget your first time... and he sure as fuck never will."
It's past two in the morning. We're all drunk and out of our minds after singing to some old country songs. There's an Llama in the room, and I can't remember how it got here, but it's chewing on my favorite underwear.
"Is anyone else hungry? Hardly ate all day." Simone licks the last few drops from the alcohol bottle.
"Same. I wish I brought a snack. But uh... maybe you could sit on my face and I'd eat my way to your heart."
No, I didn't say that.
Yes, Lacey did.
Simone is too drunk to comprehend what that meant, so she just laughs. "That sounded so gay."
"I wonder why," Lacey deadpans.
"I got an idea." I see Simone reach for the camera and put it on video. "Let's video this moment, so we can watch it in years to come and look back at how stupid we were."
"Brilliant."
"Ok, Allie go first and say something to the camera, you've been quiet all night." Simone's right. My mind has been replaying what's happened in the past few days, and how I've been feeling like I got dumped.
My mind's spinning because it can't hold all the things in there. My life's a mess. I'm a crying wreck. I feel weak and vulnerable.
"I wish..." I croak out. "I wish I could just forget Noah and move on with my life. But I can't. No matter what I try because he's always on my mind."
A lump forms in my throat.
"Maybe it was his laugh, or his eyes, or his smile. It might've been his hair, or his voice, or his personality... whatever it was, it made me fall pretty dang hard."
I don't know when I start crying, but I feel liquid running down my cheeks. "Sorry guys, I get too emotional when I'm drunk."
Simone ends the video and puts the camera away, enveloping me in a hug. Minutes later, I hear her sniffling like she's crying too.
The things alcohol do to hormones.
"Group cry!" Lacey joins in the hug as she bawls her eyes out with us.
So that's how we end up on the floor. Three adults crying for no reason, empty bottles of champagne scattered everywhere, and an Llama who won't stop chewing my underwear.
Best. Night. Ever.