(Jared's POV)
Tardis...
The Doctor is doing Gallifreyan maths on a blackboard up on the gallery, near his bookcase. Clara is down by the console, swivelling in his easy chair. I am busy listening to Diamond City Lights with AirPod Pros in my ears with Transparency Mode on.
"Clara, take a punt." The Doctor said.
"Right." Clara said.
"Your choice. Wherever, whenever, anywhere in time and space."
"Well, there is something, someone that I've always wanted to meet. But I know what you'll say." Clara said, looking at the Doctor.
"Try me."
"You'll say he's made up, that there is no such thing."
"Go on."
"It's. It's Robin Hood."
"Robin Hood." The Doctor said, rolling his eyes.
Clara goes up to the gallery, "Yeah. I love that story. I've always loved it, ever since I was little."
"I loved the story of Robin Hood too. Disney had an adaptation of Robin Hood as a fox. And there was also that Marvel comic where Captain America was Rogers Hood." I said, smiling. "It's not my favorite story. But it's still a good one. Robin Hood."
"Robin Hood, the heroic outlaw, who robs from the rich and gives to the poor." The Doctor said, looking between Clara and I.
"Yeah." Clara said, smiling.
"He's made up. There's no such thing."
"Ah, you see?"
The Doctor takes a book from the bookcase, "Old-fashioned heroes only exist in old-fashioned story books, Clara, Jared."
"You say that, but we live in a world where superheroes are a thing. We have the Avengers, Magical Girls, the PowerPuff Girls, and the Ghostbusters are a thing." I said, smirking. "Sherlock Holmes is even real here. Don't know why, but that is the case."
"Jared's right. The universe is full of old-fashioned heroes. And Doctor, what about you?" Clara asked.
"Me?" The Doctor asked.
"Yeah, you. You stop bad things happening every minute of every day. You and Team RWBY inspired Jared to do the same thing. That sounds pretty heroic to me."
The Doctor licks custard from a large metal spoon, "Just passing the time. Hey, what about Mars?"
"What?!" Clara exclaimed.
"The Ice Warrior Hives." The Doctor said.
"You said it was my choice."
"Or the Tumescent Arrows of the Half-Light. Those girls can hold their drink."
"Doctor." I said, letting out a sigh.
"And fracture fifteen different levels of reality simultaneously. I think I've got a Polaroid somewhere." The Doctor said, happily.
"Doctor! My choice. Robin Hood. Show me." Clara said, annoyed. "You took Jared to Asgard for a picnic there just so he can hang out with you, River, and the Puella Magi Holy Quintet. Which was right after he helped Sarah Jane Smith stop the Pied Piper."
"So what?" The Doctor asked.
"So what?! The Nine Realms and Yggdrasil turned out to be real. And you didn't take me there! Jared was able to see Asgard, Jotunheim, Svartalfheim, Vanaheim, Nidavellir, Niflheim or Hel, Muspelheim, and Alfheim in person and not just in a VRMMORPG."
"ALO doesn't do the real Nine Realms justice." I said, while we went down to the console. "Let's go and meet Robin Hood, Doctor."
"Very well." The Doctor said, setting the coordinates. "Earth. England. Sherwood Forest. 1190AD. Ish. But you'll only be disappointed." He sets the Tardis flying and meanwhile, the first Doctor is meeting Richard the Lionheart at the Crusades. "Oh, for good measure, let's bring a friend of Jared's who plays old-fashioned stories."
By a stream...
The birds are singing, and a long tree trunk has been placed across the stream to act as a bridge. The Tardis materialises slightly up the slope and the Doctor steps out.
"No damsels in distress, no pretty castles, no such thing as Robin Hood." The Doctor said, as an arrow slams into the Tardis next to him.
A figure in dressed in Lincoln Green pops up from behind a tree trunk on the other side of the stream.
"You called?" Robin asked, winking. "Very, very nicely done with the box, sir. I saw a Turk perform something very similar at Nottingham Fayre."
The Doctor pulls the arrow out, and the hole vanishes.
"It's a trick with mirrors, no doubt?" Robin asked.
"A trick?" The Doctor asked.
"A good jest. Ha, ha!" Robin said, laughing.
"This is not a trick. This is a Tardis."
"Whatever it is, you bony rascal, I'm afraid I must relieve you of it."
"It's my property, that's what it is."
"Well, don't you know all property is theft to Robin Hood?" Robin asked, standing in the middle of the 'bridge' without his bow and arrows.
"You're not serious." The Doctor said, looking at Robin.
"I'm many things, sir, but I'm never that. Robin Hood laughs in the face of all. Ha, ha, ha." Robin said, laughing again.
"And do people ever punch you in the face when you do that?"
"Not as yet."
"Lucky I'm here then, isn't it?"
Clara comes out of the Tardis with me and Pomu Rainpuff, dressed in a red medieval-style dress, with long cut-away sleeves and a thin girdle around her hips. There is also a silver rope across her forehead that stays in place as if glued there. I am wearing an outfit similar to what Nanashi Mumei wears and Pomu is in her fairy form, sitting on my shoulder.
"Might be a little bit much, Jared loved it, but what do you reckon, Doctor?" Clara asked.
"By all the saints. Are there any more in there?" Robin asked, at a loss for words.
"Is that?" Clara asked.
"No." The Doctor said, angrily.
"It is." I said, with Pomu sitting on my shoulder comfortably.
"It's Robin Hood." Pomu said, smiling.
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God! It is, isn't it? Doctor. You found him. You actually found Robin Hood." Clara said, going very girlish and giggly.
"That is not Robin Hood." The Doctor said.
"Well then, who, sir, is about to relieve you of your magic box?" Robin asked, drawing his long sword.
The Doctor walks onto the bridge, "Nobody, sir. Not in this universe or the next."
"Well then, draw your sword and prove your words."
"I have no sword. I don't need a sword." The Doctor said, opening his coat and turns to prove it. "Because I am the Doctor." He dons a gauntlet and takes out a spoon. "And this is my spoon. En garde!"
The Doctor and Robin trade thrusts and parries. The spoon stands up to the sword very well. The Doctor hits Robin on the back of the neck as he passes him.
"Ow!" Robin yelled.
"You're amazing." Clara said, happily.
"Are you really going to miss me that much?" Pomu asked, looking over at me.
"In the real world. Yeah." I said, sadly. "Pomu. You're someone I loved and adored that much. I cherished our moments together. Even when I got busy."
"You know you can always visit me, right?"
"I do. But it's not going to be the same."
The Doctor slaps Robin's backside.
"Oh, you." Robin said, retaliating by cutting a button off the Doctor's coat.
The Doctor holds his arms wide open and Robin lunges with his sword. The Doctor deflects it and does a little turn so that he and Robin are back to back on the trunk. Then he sticks out his bottom and pushes Robin into the water with a splash.
"Doctor!" Clara said, worried.
The Doctor polishes his spoon, "Like I said. My box."
"Doctor?" Clara asked.
We look into the water.
"What happened?" Pomu asked.
Robin is not visible because he pops up behind the Doctor and pushes him into the water.
"Rivers never get lost; they always 'streamline' their path!" I said, excitedly.
Clara, Robin, Pomu, and I laugh.
(Open POV)
Settlement...
A few thatched wattle-and-daub buildings, and a Celtic cross on a plinth. Knights in full armour are making the chickens scatter. A young woman is being dragged away chained to yoke across her shoulders. An old man runs up.
"In the name of all that's holy, take our money, take our treasure, but spare my ward." Quayle said.
"Do not fuss. All will be well." Quayles' ward said.
"This is the Sheriff's doing. If he were here now, I'd tear out his black heart!"
A figure back-lit sitting on a horse speaks.
"Would you now?" The sheriff asked, dismounting from his horse. "Or are you as milk-livered as your name suggests, Master Quayle?"
"Take me. Spare this dear child." Quayle said.
"Take you? A lardy lack-wit like you? It's labour we require up at the castle. Labour and gold. Not old men and their worthless baubles. This will be a great help, Master Quayle, believe me. Newcomer to Sherwood, are we?"
"Yes, my Lord." Quayle's ward said.
"You may also prove useful. Bring her." The sheriff said.
"Your days are numbered, you cur." Quayle said, spitting in the Sheriff's face.
"You shall live to regret that. Actually, no. You won't." The sheriff said, stabbing Quayle in the stomach.
"No! No!" Quayle's ward yelled.
(Jared's POV)
Outlaw's hideaway...
In a narrow gully. The outlaws live in shallow caves under the treeline.
"Let me introduce you to my men. This is Will Scarlet. He is a cheeky rogue with a good sword arm and a slippery tongue." Robin said, happily.
"My lady." Will said, as the Doctor pulls some of his hair out as he bows, and scans it with the sonic screwdriver. "Argh! What do you want with my hair?"
"Well, it's realistic, I'll give you that." The Doctor said.
"And this is Friar Tuck. Aptly named for the amount of grub he tucks into." Robin said.
"You skinny blackguard." Tuck said.
"So, do you like Robin Hood?" Pomu asked, and she was still sitting on my shoulder.
These men laugh a lot.
"In terms of heroes, he's not Captain America." I said, while Tuck steps forward, he nearly falls.
"What are you doing?" Tuck asked.
The Doctor stands up with one of Tuck's sandals, "This isn't a real sandal."
"Doctor, it's a real sandal." I said, rolling my eyes.
"Oh. Yes, it is." The Doctor said, sniffing the sandal.
"This, er, is Alan-a-Dale. He's a master of the lute, whose music brightens up these dark days." Robin said.
"Stranger you are welcome here, in Sherwood's bonny glade." Alan said, singing, before yelping in pain. "Ow!"
The Doctor has jabbed Alan's arm with a hypodermic gizmo, "Sorry, sorry, sorry. Blood analysis. Oh. All those diseases. If you were real, you'd be dead in six months."
"I am real." Alan said, sadly.
"Bye." The Doctor said, walking away from Alan.
"And this is John Little. Called Little John. He's my loyal companion in many an adventure." Robin said, as the man mountain steps aside and a small man jumps forward, to general merriment.
"Oh!" Clara said, excitedly.
"Works every time." Will said, smiling.
"Oh, I cannot believe this. You, you really are Robin Hood and his Merry Men."
"Clara, wait till you meet Robyn Hill and her Happy Huntresses." I said, happily. "I know they're in Remnant somewhere. Maybe Vacuo. I don't know."
"So you met Robin Hood as a girl." Clara said, looking over at me. "What was she like?"
"She's good. But the original has to go to Robin Hood and his Merry Men."
"Aye! That is an apt description. What say you, lads?" Robin asked, looking at his Merry Men.
"Aye!" The Merry Men yelled, at the same time.
"Stop laughing. Why are you always doing that? Are you all simple or something? I'm going to need a sample." The Doctor said, picking up a goblet and throws away the contents before walking up to Robin.
"Of what?" Robin asked.
"Sorry. Sorry." Pomu said, lifting herself off my shoulder to fly towards the Doctor. "What are you doing?"
"Well, they're not holograms, that much is obvious. Could be a theme park from the future. Or we might be inside a miniscope." The Doctor said.
"No. We're not doing the Carnival of Monsters." I said, and Pomu started flying back towards me to sit on my shoulder again. "Shut up, Doctor. Robin Hood is real."
"A miniscope. Yes, of course. Why not?"
"One of your friends seems not quite of the real world." Robin said, looking between Clara and I.
"No. No, the Doctor's not really. Not most of the time. Dark days?" Clara asked.
"My lady?" Robin asked.
"You said that these were dark days. What did you mean?"
"King Richard is away on crusade, my lady. His tyrant of a brother rules instead." Will said.
"Oh yeah. The Sheriff. Isn't there a sheriff?" Pomu asked.
"Aye. It is indeed this jackal of the princes who seeks to oppress us for ever more." Alan said.
"Or six months in your case." The Doctor said.
"If only this was the story of Camelot." I said, as Pomu looked over at me. "With Merlin and such."
"Would you choose Camelot over Remnant?" Pomu asked.
"No. I was just thinking, Pomu."
"Because the Doctor's right, you laugh too much." Clara said, looking at Robin.
"You know, I do not live this outlaw life by choice. You see before you Robert." Robin said.
"Earl of Loxley." Clara and Robin said, at the same time.
"Yes." Clara said.
"Yes." Robin said.
"Sorry. Do go on."
"I er, I had my lands and titles stripped from me. I dared to speak out against Prince John. But I lost the thing most dear to me."
"Oh. What was her name?" I asked, taking out chocolate chip cookies from my sling bag to snack on them.
"You're so very quick. How does the Doctor stand it?" Robin asked.
"Was her name Marian?"
"You know her?"
"Yup. I've known her for ages. And so has Clara!" I said, excitedly.
"It was Marian who told me that I must stand up and be counted. But, I was afraid. Now this green canopy is my palace and the rough ground my feather bed. Maybe one day I will return home, but until that day. Until that day, it is beholden on me to be the man Marian wanted, to be a hero for those this tyrant sheriff slaughters." Robin said, frowning.
"What time is it, Mister Hood?" The Doctor asked.
"Somewhat after noon."
"What season is it?" Pomu asked. "Is it summer?"
"Oh, Dame Autumn has draped her mellow skirts about the forest, Miss Rainpuff. The time of mists and harvest approaches." Robin said, looking over at Pomu.
"Yeah, yeah. All very poetic. But it's very green hereabouts, though, isn't it? Like I said, very sunny." The Doctor said.
"So?" Clara asked.
"Clara, have you ever been to Nottingham?" I asked, tossing another chocolate chip cookie into my mouth.
"Is it, um, climate change?" Pomu asked.
"Climate change isn't a thing yet, Pomu. It's 1190 AD."
"You must excuse me. The Sheriff has issued a proclamation and tomorrow there is to be a contest to find the best archer in the land. And the bounty, it's an arrow made of pure gold." Robin said.
"No! Don't, don't go. It's a trap." Clara said, sadly.
"Well, of course it is! But a contest to find the best archer in the land? There is no contest."
"Oh, no." I said, while Pomu stood up from my shoulder, flew off ot it, and she changed her form from fairy into human. "This isn't good."
"Isn't facing the Sheriff a bad thing?" Pomu asked, as I tossed her a Tupperware container full of grapes. "Is it?"
"It is." I said, getting general hilarity from Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
"Right, that isn't even funny. That was bantering. I am totally against bantering." The Doctor said, looking at Robin.
"How can you be so sure he is not the real thing?" Clara asked.
"Because he can't be."
"When did you stop believing in everything?"
"When did you and Jared start believing in impossible heroes?"
"Don't you know? In a way, it's rather sweet." Clara said, smiling.
"It really is. Considering our time is full of impossible heroes and fairy tales." I said, as the Doctor bites into an apple then scans it with his screwdriver. "I love it."
Archery ground...
Caerphilly Castle has its artificial lakes, which was built from 1268 onwards. Nottingham Castle is built on castle rock by the river with the city around it. The contest is taking place in the central ward.
"In the contest for the golden arrow, after ten rounds, the battle is betwixt our Lord Sheriff..." The herald said, getting obligatory cheers from the crowd. "And the stranger known as Tom the Tinker."
Robin in a wide-brimmed leather hat gets a rousing reception.
"Perhaps not such a stranger after all." The sheriff said.
"Take your places." The herald said.
"Shall we make the contest a little more interesting, my Lord? The targets seem a little close. What say you? Another twenty paces?" Robin asked.
"Why not?" The Sheriff asked.
The central target is moved back.
The Sheriff fires his black arrow into the middle of the bulls-eye, "Now, Tinker. Let us see thy true face."
Robin's white-fletched arrow splits the Sheriff's.
"Ye Gads! He has split the arrow! Truly, he is the finest archer in all England. Come forward, Tinker. And claim your prize." The herald said.
But before Robin can take the prize, an arrow with multicoloured feathers splits his own. It is the Doctor's.
"He's full of surprises, isn't he?" Little John asked.
"I'm the Doctor. My skills as a bowman speak for themselves. I claim my reward." The Doctor said, and the herald kneels and the Time Lord takes the prize. "A mere bauble." He throws it away in the general direction of the Merry Men. "I want something else."
"Name it." The sheriff said.
"Enlightenment." The Doctor said.
"Wow..." I said, while Robin splits the Doctor's arrow.
"Robin's amazing." Pomu said, as the crowd roars.
The Doctor's next arrow ricochets off a guard's armour to split Robin's. Robin retaliates by not even looking when he looses his missile.
"This is getting silly." The Doctor said, pointing his sonic screwdriver at the target, and it explodes in a ball of flame.
"Fascinating. Seize him!" The sheriff yelled.
The three knights draw their swords. Clara takes what looks like an anachronistic halberd from a rack and tries to swing it. It is too heavy for her.
"What are you doing? Put that down." The Doctor said.
"I'm fine. I take Year Seven for after school Tae Kwon Do." Clara said, smiling.
"Don't worry, Doctor. I'll save you." Robin said, happily.
"I don't need saving." The Doctor said, annoyed.
"Your honour is safe."
"I know."
"For I am Robin." Robin said, removing his hat and every one cheers. "Robin Hood!"
Robin severs one of the knights' arms.
"It's a robot..." Pomu said, when the knight's arm falls to the ground and sparks a bit.
"Witchery! Witchery!" A voice said, nearby.
The Doctor picks the arm up, "You're right, forest fairy. Robot."
The knight's visor opens to reveal a metal face. A violet light shines in a cross pattern from between its eyebrows.
"Now we're getting somewhere." The Doctor said, smirking.
"Take them. Kill the rest. Kill them all!" The sheriff said, angrily.
The robot knights fire energy bolts from their foreheads.
"He surrenders!" The Doctor said, looking at Robin.
"What?" Robin asked.
"Hai!" The Doctor said, using Venusian aikido to knock Robin's sword out of his hand.
"You miserable cur. I had them on the run. Flee, lads, flee! Live to fight another day!" Robin said, excitedly.
"Come on!" Tuck said, terrified.
The Merry Men run for their lives.
"To the dungeons with all of them." The Sheriff said.
"What are you up to?" Clara asked.
"Quickest way to find out anybody's plans, get yourself captured." The Doctor said.
(Open POV)
Castle...
Somewhere with little lighting and a high roof. There are screams somewhere and a giant bubbling crucible. A man carrying a bucket collapses on the floor.
"Here, let me help you." Quayle's ward said.
"Thank you, Lady." Walter said.
A knight looks at them, visor open.
"What are you? Gargoyle, what are you?" Quayle's ward asked.
"Leave it." The knight said.
"He only needs to rest. We all need to rest."
"Analysis shows that peasant creature is spent."
"No. No, please."
"Usefulness expired."
"No. No! No!" Walter said, while a violet energy beam turns him into a smoking pile of rags.
"Damn you! Damn you and that villain the Sheriff! " Quayle's ward said, angrily.
(Jared's POV)
Dungeon...
A skeleton is sitting up against a stake fastened into the floor of the stone chamber. A single cross slit illuminates the room. Robin, the Doctor, Clara, and I are chained together, with the chains running through large hoops set into stones on the floor. Pomu is inside my sling bag, sleeping comfortably. Robin is on the left as I look at him, then the Doctor, then Clara.
"Splendid. Enchained." Robin said, annoyed.
"Yep." Clara said, sadly.
"We totally are." I said, letting out a sigh.
"Trussed up like turkey-cocks. Thanks to one of your friends." Robin said, looking between Clara and I.
"Shut it, Hoodie. I saved your life." The Doctor said.
"I had the situation well in hand."
"Long-haired ninny versus robot killer knights? I know where I'd put my money."
"If you had not betrayed me, I would have been triumphant."
"You would have been a little puff of smoke and ashes."
"Oh, ha!" Robin said, angrily.
"You'd have been floating around in tiny little laughing bits in people's goblets." The Doctor said, scoffing.
"Balderdash. Ha!"
"Oh, right, here we go. It's laughing time."
"Well, you amuse me, grey old man."
"Guard! He's laughing again! You can't keep me locked up with a laughing person."
"Oh, I find that, I find that quite funny. Do you know, I feel another laugh coming on. A-ha-ha-ha!"
"Guards, I cannot remain in this cell. Execute me now." The Doctor said, looking at the door.
"You heard him. Execute the old fool." Robin said.
"No, hang on. Execute him."
"I do not fear death, so execute away."
"Execute him. I'd like to see if his head keeps laughing when you chop it off!"
"Oh, Robin Hood always laughs in the face of death."
"Yes, rolling around the floor laughing, I would pay good money to see that."
"Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard!" The Doctor and Robin said, at the same time.
"Doctor Disco, Robin Hood, shut the fuck up!" I said, angrily. "Do either of you understand that there isn't a guard out there? Clara and I have known this entire time."
"Oh." The Doctor said, sadly.
"I did, in fact." Robin said, happily.
"No, you didn't."
"I said, shut up! The Doctor and Robin Hood, two people Clara and I admire deeply, locked up in a cell." I said, looking over at the Doctor and Robin Hood. "I'm glad I didn't bring Team RWBY along to this and I brought Pomu Rainpuff instead. You two are so determined to starve to death by fighting on who can live longer. If Yang was here, she'd make this more insufferable."
"Well, I'll tell you one thing. I'd last a lot longer than this desiccated man-crone." Robin said.
"Really?" The Doctor asked.
"Really."
"Well, you know what? I think you'll find I have a certain genetic advantage. Oh!"
Clara has yanked on the chain attached to the Doctor's wrist, "Jared's right, it is not a competition about who can die slower."
"It would definitely be me, though, wouldn't it?" The Doctor asked.
"There was supposed to be a plan. Do either of you two have a plan?" Clara asked.
"Yeah, of course I have a plan."
"I too have a plan." Robin said, happily.
"Okay. Robin, you first." Clara said, sadly.
"Why him?" The Doctor asked.
"Doctor, shut up. Robin, your plan."
"I am biding my time." Robin said, smiling.
"Thank you, Prince of Thieves. Your plan is useless. What is your plan, the Last of the Time Lords?" I asked, rolling my eyes.
"Yes, I have a plan." The Doctor said, looking between Clara and I.
"Can you explain your plan without using the word sonic screwdriver? Because you might have forgotten the Sheriff of Nottingham has taken your sonic screwdriver, just saying. It's always the screwdriver." Clara said.
"It really is always the screwdriver." I said, letting out a sigh. "Now I remember why I pushed this adventure back by spending time with Captain America."
"That probably was smart. Because these two are helpless."
"Okay, let, let, let, let's hear Robin's plan first." The Doctor said, smiling.
"Oh, for God's sake." Clara said, when the door is unlocked.
"See? There was a guard. There was guard listening the whole time, I knew it. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Robin said, excitedly.
The guard is a man with no teeth left, just rotted stumps, "The Sheriff himself commanded me to listen, to find out which of you is the true ringleader."
"Ah, so he can do the interrogating. Very wise." The Doctor said.
"Excellent. He will get nothing from me." Robin said.
"No, no, no, no. no. He will get nothing from me, because interrogation, that's where I always turn the tables. You see, that's my plan."
"Just hurry up and take me to him."
"No, no, chop-chop, come on."
The guard unfastens Clara's chains.
"Seriously." Clara said, frowning.
"Come on." The guard said, walking away with Clara.
"No." The Doctor said.
"What are you doing?" Robin asked.
"Don't be ridiculous!" The Doctor said, angrily.
"Good luck, Clara." I said, when the door slams shut and is locked. "You'll need it."
(Open POV)
Outlaw's hideaway...
It is night and Little John is holding the golden arrow. It goes from speaker to speaker.
"'Tis a thing of beauty indeed." Little John said.
"And will feed a family for a twelvemonth when melted down." Will said.
"Tonight we rest. Tomorrow we must draw up plans to rescue Robin. We shall soon see how those Mechanicals feel about the taste of Nottingham steel. Lord, forgive me." Tuck said.
"Strange, though, is it not?" Alan asked.
"What?" Little John asked.
"All this looting that the Sheriff is doing, and yet 'tis only ever gold that he takes. Pearls, rubies, all the precious jewels of the realm seem no consequence to him. Only gold." Alan said, handing the arrow to Tuck and picks up his lute, before he starts singing. "Poor Robin and the stranger lay, In the dungeon all the live-long day. The Merry Men might pine away, Upon a Sherwood morning."
Castle...
Artifacts are dropping into a giant crucible. One of the knights opens the gate at the bottom and the molten metal pours out into an intricate mould, like a giant printed circuit.
Sheriff's room...
"Eat, my Lady, eat. Let it not be said that the Sheriff of Nottingham is a poor host." The Sheriff said.
Clara is at the other end of the well-stocked table, "I had a bag of crisps this morning, thanks."
"Your words are strange, fair one."
"Mmm, I should think they are." Clara said, smirking.
"But I like you. You're refreshingly direct."
"You can take the girl out of Blackpool."
The Sheriff holds up sandwiches wrapped in cling film, then the spoon, "Taken from one of your friend's strange tunic. An intriguing gallimaufry. Including this wand. Evidently a thing of awesome power. Tell me, are you from beyond the stars?"
"You're the one with the robot army, you tell me. " Clara said, while the Sheriff is holding the sonic screwdriver.
Dungeon...
"I'm sorry?" The Doctor asked.
"No. Beat your breast. Moan. Groan as though twenty devils possessed your guts." Robin said, happily.
"What for?"
"So as to attract the attention of that gargoyle-faced guard."
"It's your plan. You moan."
"No, no. No, it won't work."
"Pomu. Pomu, wake up." Jared said, while Pomu is sleeping comfortably in the sling bag.
"What is it?" Pomu asked, yawning, rubbing her eyes, and opening them. "Oh. Are we still in the dungeon?"
"Yeah. The Doctor and Robin are still fighting."
"You're as pale as milk. It's the way with Scots. They're strangers to vegetables." Robin said, looking at the Doctor.
"I'm not moaning. You moan." The Doctor said, rolling his eyes.
"Fine. If you want something doing." Robin said, moaning loudly. "Can I rely upon you to do the rest?"
"Yes, yes, I know the drill."
The guard speaks through the grill in the door, "What is this din?"
"No business of yours, cur." The Doctor said, looking over at Robin. "Speak up. I can't hear you."
"What ails him?" The guard asked.
"None of your business."
The guard enters, "I said, what ails him?"
"I think he's having a nervous breakdown." Pomu said, happily leaving Jared's sling bag to sit on the fanboy's shoulder.
"Yeah. That's it." Jared said, smiling. "A nervous breakdown."
"A what?" The guard asked.
"He's like this whenever he's in any kind of danger. He just can't seem to cope. He gets so afraid. He goes into a kind of fit. I honestly believe that he may die of sheer fright, like some tiny, shivering little mouse. Oh, God, I think he's soiled himself." The Doctor said.
"Let him die. It will save us the trouble of executing him."
"If he dies. What happens to the reward?" Jared asked.
"Reward?"
"Jared, you shouldn't have said that!" Pomu said, angrily.
"Tell me!" The guard yelled.
"Well, he has something important to say. The Prince of Thieves has promised a bounty." Jared said, watching Pomu kick her feet back and forth on his shoulder.
"A big one?"
"A huge one. Enough for you to go from being a guard to a viscount."
Robin mumbles.
The guard leans close to Robin, "What's that? Say again?"
"Come closer. Your breath stinks like a serpent, has anyone ever told you that?" Robin asked,giving the guard a Glasgow kiss. That is, he head-butts him, knocking him out cold. "Soiled myself?"
"Did you? That's getting into character. Okay, keys." The Doctor said.
"I'll get them." Robin said, happily.
"No, no. I'll get them."
"I'll get them. I'll get them."
"I'm fine, no, no worries. I've got them!"
"I've got them! I'll get..."
The two pairs of competing feet end up kicking the guard's keys down the drain. Splosh.
"There's a bright side to all this." Jared said, looking between Robin and the Doctor.
"Which is?" Robin asked.
"Clara didn't see you two fight. Pomu, get the keys. But only let me out." Jared said, watching Pomu swoop down from his shoulder and squeezing herself down the drain in her fairy form, picking up the keys, and squeezing herself out with them, in her hands. "Nice work."
Sheriff's room...
"But enough of tawdry matters. Let us talk of softer, sweeter things." The sheriff said, using his dagger to spear a sweetmeat.
"Ah. Good, yes, I was hoping we'd get round to that." Clara said.
"You were?"
"Mmm. For I have known I was destined to draw the eye of a great and powerful man for a long time. Ever since I saw those mysterious lights in the sky."
"You saw them too?"
"And those strange mechanical men, with their promises."
"I too have experienced this." The Sheriff said.
"Really? Well, I would never have guessed. Tell me your story." Clara said, looking at the Sheriff.
"Tell me yours."
"Oh, no, no, no, no. But you have to go first."
"Why so?"
"Because great men always precede."
"You have a point."
"Your story, then."
"Once upon a time, there was a brave and clever and handsome man."
"I can almost picture him. I don't even have to close my eyes." Clara said, smiling.
"Unappreciated by his royal master." The Sheriff said, sadly.
"Prince John?"
"The very same."
"Then came the lights in the sky, and everything changed."
"The skyship came to Earth in a fury of fire."
"I'd almost call it a crash. I remember it well."
"A craft from the heavenly spheres, bedight with twinkling lights and miracles beyond imagining. The most beautiful thing the brave and handsome man had ever seen." The Sheriff said.
"And I suppose the mechanical men saw you as their natural leader?" Clara asked.
"It was I and I alone to whom the mechanical men then imparted their secrets. Shortly, I shall be the most powerful man in the realm. King in all but name, for Nottingham is not enough."
"It isn't?"
"After this, Derby."
"Right."
"Then Lincoln. And after Lincoln..."
"Worksop?"
The Sheriff stabs his dagger into the table, "The world!"
Passageway...
Robin is carrying the block with the loop their chains are running through, "Now what?"
"First, a blacksmith's forge." The Doctor said, looking at Robin.
"So as to remove our chains?" Robin asked.
"No. So Jared and Pomu can laugh at us being chained up together. Of course it's so we can get rid of our chains. I don't want to be manacled to you all night." The Doctor said.
"Pomu, don't let them out at all." Jared said, watching Pomu carry the keys in her hands. "This is more fun."
"It is." Pomu said, sitting on Jared's shoulder with the keys in her hands.
Robin laughs with Jared and Pomu.
"Oh, no. Please, don't do that." The Doctor said, annoyed.
"Jared and Pomu are amused by us." Robin said, happily.
"It's not even that funny."
"You're an amusing fellow, Doctor."
"Oh, don't. Can you just stop! You'll give yourself a hernia."
Sheriff's room...
"So what are you hanging around here for, then, Your Majesty? Why are you bothering to squeeze pips out of peasants if you've got a skyship on stand-by?" Clara asked.
"Enough questions. I'm impatient to hear your story." The Sheriff said.
"Oh, but I do not have one. I was lying."
"Lying?"
"Yeah. People are so much better at sharing information if they think the other person has already got it."
"Oh, that's very clever." The Sheriff said.
"Thank you." Clara said, smiling.
"You'll do very well."
"For what?"
"Doesn't every king require a consort?"
The sheriff leans over Clara for a kiss, and she manages to duck out.
"Right, you do that again and you'll regret that." Clara said.
(Jared's POV)
Spaceship...
The Doctor and Robin come up some steps free of their chains. Pomu and I are following the two, eating grapes. The Doctor spots an interesting sight - a metal doorway. He goes through it with Pomu and I behind him. The area is long, spartan and metal with a glowing hemisphere on a console at the end.
"At last. Something real. No more fairy tales." The Doctor said.
"What is this place?" Robin asked.
"It's a spaceship. It's more twenty ninth century than twelfth century." I said, passing a grape to Pomu for her to eat.
"Data banks, data banks, data banks. Where was this ship headed?" The Doctor asked, while the computer screen gives all the details. "Jared, it's the Promised Land again. Like the Half-Faced Man, but more sophisticated. It disguised itself as a twelfth century castle."
Graphic shows the spaceship landing pointy bit upwards and pretending to be the central keep.
"It merges into the culture, tries to keep a low profile, so no one notices. That explains the robot knights. But the engines. The engines are damaged. They're leaking radiation into the local atmosphere, creating a temporary climate of staggering benevolence." The Doctor said.
"I beg pardon?" Robin asked.
"I told you. It's too sunny. It's too green. And there is even an evil sheriff to oppress the locals. This explains everything, even you."
"It does?"
"Well, what does every oppressed peasant workforce need? The illusion of hope. Some silly story to get them through the day, lull them into docility, and keep them working. Ship's data banks. Full of every myth and legend you could hope for, including Robin Hood." The Doctor said, as the data bank displays various book illustrations and a photograph shows Robin Hood as played by Patrick Troughton. "Isn't it time you came clean with me? You're not real and you know it. Look at you. Perfect eyes, perfect teeth. Nobody has a jawline like that. You're as much a part of what is happening here as the Sheriff and his metal knights. You're a robot."
"You dare to accuse me of collusion with that villain, the Sheriff?"
"I dare."
"You false-tongued knave. I should have skewered you when I had the chance."
"I would like to see you try."
"I was going to tell a joke about a knight, but it's a little medieval." I said, and the metal door is blown inwards by lasers.
"Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." The Doctor said, annoyed. "Now isn't the time for a pun."
"Every time the knight saw a sword fight, he would knight-mare about it at night." Pomu said, when the Sheriff entered with Clara and knights. "Did you like it?"
"Yeah. We could go on all k-night." I said, laughing a lot.
"Surrender, outlaw." The Sheriff said, looking at Robin.
"Very good." The Doctor said.
"Kill him. Kill Robin Hood."
"You can drop all that stuff now, Sheriff."
"Doctor?" Clara asked.
"What are you doing?" I asked, giving Pomu another grape for her to eat.
"He is not what you think he is. This is all play-acting." The Doctor said.
"We can't just let them kill him!" Clara said, worried.
"You're not fooling anyone, Sheriff."
A blast from a knight knocks Robin off his feet. Clara gets between him and the attacker. Robin grabs Clara around the waist and they back up to a window.
"What the hell are you doing?" Clara asked.
"Surviving." Robin said, smirking.
"No!" Clara said, angrily.
"Is Clara okay?" Pomu asked, tugging on my sleeve.
Robin falls backwards through the window, taking Clara with him.
"Yeah." I said, smiling. "She is."
"No! Clara!" The Doctor said, terrified.
Robin and Clara land in the moat. The full moon is reflected in the rippling water.
"Yeah, sorry about the girl. Such a pretty thing. What a queen she would have made." The Sheriff said, turning away.
The Doctor, Pomu, and I see Robin climb out of the other side of the moat with Clara in his arms.
"Stop pretending. You and your fancy robots. I get it. I understand." The Doctor said, looking at the Sheriff.
"Oh, so you too know my plans?" The Sheriff asked.
"We do. And it's one weakness that the Cybermen had for years. It's also a thing pirates like." I said, happily.
"Jared's right. You and your robots plundering the surrounding countryside for all it's worth. A weakness to the Cybermen and something pirates like. Gold. Gold. Of course. Gold. You are creating a matrix of gold to repair the engine circuitry." The Doctor said, looking at the Sheriff.
"This is the scheme the Mechanicals have devised. Soon this skyship will depart. Destination, London. There I will obliterate the King and take my rightful place as ruler of this sceptred isle." The Sheriff said.
"It won't work. There's not a chance. I've seen the instruments. There's been too much damage. You are stoking up a gigantic bomb!" The Doctor yelled.
"Shush."
A knight knocks the Doctor out and a knight knocks me out as Pomu hides herself inside my hoodie pocket.
Castle...
"Engine capacity at forty eight percent." A knight said, nearby.
Knights carry a gold circuit board away. The Doctor, Pomu, and I woke up. The forest fairy came out of my hoodie pocket and flew up to sit on my shoulder.
"Engine capacity at forty eight percent." The knight said, nearby.
"It's not enough. That's not enough. It'll never make orbit." The Doctor said, sadly.
"What do we do?" Pomu asked, looking up at me.
Amongst the wails and groans of downtrodden humanity, there is a mechanical whumph.
"I don't know." I said, frowning.
"That's the engines, building in power. Stupid, stupid Sheriff." The Doctor said, straining at the chains holding his wrists behind his back. "Argh! Go on, give! Give, you stupid things. What are you looking at?"
It is Quayle's ward.
(Open POV)
Outlaw's hideout...
Next morning, Clara wakes to the sight of Robin's face.
"Hi." Clara said, smiling.
"The time for games is over." Robin said, looking at Clara.
Castle...
"I think I understand you three. The Sheriff's using the gold to replace something." Quayle's ward said.
"Well, it's a truth. And the Sheriff is an idiot." Jared said, happily. "If he tries to fly this ship, it'll explode. And worse, it'll wipe out half of England."
"Oh. I know! Let's cause a riot!" Pomu said, excitedly.
"That could work, forest fairy." The Doctor said, smirking. "Time to reflect on lasers and gold. Spread the word."
Quayle's ward frees the Doctor's hands and Jared's hands.
Outlaw's hideout...
"You will tell me everything this Doctor and Jared knows about Robin Hood and his Merry Men." Robin said, looking at Clara.
"What is this? Why are you interrogating me?" Clara asked.
"And then, you will tell me exactly who this Doctor and Jared are and what are their plans."
Castle...
"You are fit for labour. Stand aside while this peasant unit is freed." The Knight said.
"I'm afraid you're a little late." The Doctor said, smirking.
"Explain."
"We're already free!" The Doctor yelled.
"Freedom!" Pomu cheered, when the knight powers up his violet beam.
Jared reflects the violent beam with a golden plate and it hits the wall. Pomu produces another plate and this time it is bounced straight back at the knight. It's head explodes.
"That's what I'm talking about." Jared said, while more knights come, but all the workers have plates for shields. "This is fun."
Sheriff's room...
The Sheriff is annotating a map of England, "Mine, mine, mine."
"Engine capacity at seventy five percent." The knight said.
There is a beeping noise. The Sheriff pushes the papers aside to reveal a monitor in the wooden table. He watches the carnage that is taking place.
"'Ods blood! Who will rid me of this turbulent Doctor and his ward?" The Sheriff asked, as he punches a knight. It hurts. "Come."
(Jared's POV)
Castle...
People are screaming and dying, but so are the knights.
"Everyone, get the last robot!" I said, excitedly.
The robot knight is surrounded by reflective surfaces. Its violet energy beam bounces around a lot until it finally returns to sender, multiplied several times. It explodes and the prisoners celebrate.
"Everyone, get out! Quickly!" Pomu said, worried. "Hurry!"
"You've saved us all, clever one." Quayle's ward said, kissing the Doctor on the cheek. "Thank you."
"Engine capacity at eighty two percent." The knight said.
"You and your ward are indeed ingenious fellows, Doctor. But do you really think your peasants' revolt can stop me?" The Sheriff asked.
"I rather think you're the revolting one around here. I'm bantering. I'm bantering. Listen to me. You don't have enough gold content to seal the engine breach. If you try and take off, you'll wipe out half of England." The Doctor said, looking at the Sheriff.
"Liar! From my sky vessel, I shall rule omnipotent."
"You pudding-headed primitive, shut down the engines. What you're doing will alter the course of history."
"I sincerely hope so, or I wouldn't be bothering." The Sheriff said, throwing a knight's head into the crucible.
"Listen to me. It doesn't have to end like this. Shut it all down, return Clara to us and we'll do what we can." .
"Doctor, he doesn't have Clara." I said, sadly.
"He must have. Robin's one of his."
"What did you say?" The Sheriff asked.
"He's one of your tin-headed puppets, just like these brutes here." The Doctor said.
"Robin Hood is not one of mine."
"Of course he is. He's a robot, created by your mechanical mates."
"Doctor. Why would the robot knights make Robin Hood?" Pomu asked.
"To pacify the locals, give them false hope. He's the opiate of the masses." The Doctor said, running up to the forest fairy.
"Why would the Sheriff create an enemy to fight them? It doesn't make any sense. It would be a terrible idea."
"It really would, Pomu." I said, and Pomu is sitting on my shoulder. "It would be a terrible idea. So why would the Sheriff do that?"
"But he can't be. He's not real. He's a legend!" The Doctor said, angrily.
"Too kind! And this legend does not come alone." Robin said, up in the gallery.
"Hiya!" Clara said, happily.
Robin sticks his dagger into a wall hanging and slides down with Clara holding on to him, "You all right?"
"Hell, yeah."
"Good. My men have taken the castle." Robin said, smiling.
"No!" The Sheriff yelled.
"Now I'm going to take you."
"This one's all mine." The Sheriff said, while the two knights guarding him are deactivated by the amulet hanging around his neck. "What do you say, outlaw? A final reckoning?"
"Oh, yes."
Robin and the Sheriff prepare to sword-fight.
"You okay?" I asked, walking up to Clara to grab her hand.
"Fine, yeah." Clara said, sadly.
"That's good. We don't have long, Clara, Pomu. This adventure is almost over." I said, as the keep is rumbling and shaking.
"I shall avenge every slight, outlaw." The Sheriff said.
"Jared..." Pomu said, looking up at me.
"I know. The castle's about to blow up." I said, sadly.
"You have long been a thorn in my side." The Sheriff said, annoyed.
"Well, everyone should have a hobby. Mine's annoying you." Robin said, smirking.
"I'll have you boiled in oil at the castle by sunset."
"Can we make it a little earlier? Cos that's a little past my bedtime." Robin said, cutting a rope and flies on it up to a cross-beam. "I'm too much for you, outlaw. The first of a new breed. Half man, half engine."
The Sheriff also does the rope thing and they continue the fight up on the beam, "Never ageing. Never tiring."
"Are you still talking?" Robin asked.
The Sheriff cuts Robin's arm and he drops his sword. Then Robin opens his arms just like the Doctor did at the stream.
"Bow down before your new king, you prince of knaves!" The Sheriff yelled, coming at Robin, who turns so they are back to back then kicks the back of his knee. "Argh!"
The Sheriff falls into the crucible.
Robin descends to the ground by rope again, "Sorry. Was that, er, was that showing off?"
"That was amazing." Clara said, in awe.
The castle shakes. Masonry starts to fall.
"Run! Come on, run!" The Doctor said, and we leave a pair of gold-covered hands sticking out of the crucible.
Castle grounds...
From across the moat, we watch masonry fall and the spaceship take off.
"It's never going to make it. Not enough gold. It'll never make it into orbit. Where is it? Where did it go?" The Doctor asked.
"Where did what go?" Pomu asked.
"He's talking about the golden arrow, Pomu." I said, giving Pomu a grape for her to eat.
"Tuck!" Robin said, while Tuck walked up to us with the golden arrow.
"You took it?" The Doctor asked.
"Of course we did. We're robbers." Tuck said, happily.
"I love you boys." The Doctor said, looking at the Merry Men.
"Doctor, what are you suggesting?" Clara asked.
"Golden arrow. It might just be enough gold content to get the ship into orbit and out of harm's way." The Doctor said, offering Robin the bow and arrow.
"No, it has to be you. My arm is injured." Robin said.
"Of course it is." I said, as the Doctor can't even get the arrow onto the bowstring.
"Doctor, you're good at this. I saw you. You won the tournament." Clara said, looking at the Doctor.
"Clara, the Doctor cheated. He made a special arrow with a homing device that makes it land on the bullseye." I said, grabbing the bow and golden arrow from the Doctor. "Let me do this."
"How did you learn how to use a bow and arrow?" The Doctor asked, looking at me.
"ALO. I spent a lot of time with Sinon there. She taught me when she wasn't busy with 'Bullet of Bullets'."
"Ah. She used a bow there in ALO, didn't she? How many meters?"
"200 meters?" I asked, holding the bow and golden arrow.
(Open POV)
Spaceship...
"Engine capacity at eighty three percent. Insufficient power to achieve escape velocity." The knight said.
Standing up, Jared held the end of the bow and braced it, before pulling back the bowstring and releasing the golden arrow. The golden arrow hits the spaceship directly in the middle of a roundel on an engine.
"Maximum power surge." The knight said, and the spaceship blasts into orbit. "Engines critical. Engines critical. Engines crit..."
(Jared's POV)
Castle grounds...
KaBOOM! The watching crowd cheers.
"One awful day in Nottingham, Brave Robin Hood was in a jam. The arrow flew it true..." Alan said, singing.
Alan's lute is snatched from him.
"Give it a rest, Alan." Will said, annoyed.
"Give me my lute!" Alan said, angrily.
"Still not keen on the laughing thing?" Clara asked.
"No, no, no, no." The Doctor said, scoffing.
Clara laughs. Robin laughs. Pomu laughs. I laugh.
By a stream...
I gave Clara a very personal archery lesson, "You see? Not that hard. Sinon taught me well."
"Woo-hoo! Thank you, Jared." Clara said, running up to me for a hug, before letting go and she walked to Robin. "Robin Hood, I'm going to miss you. You're very naughty."
"Oh, I know. Whoever he is, he is a very lucky man." Robin said, happily.
"Marian is very lucky, too." Clara said.
"I fear not."
"Don't give up. Not ever. Not for one single day." Clara said, kissing Robin's cheek. "Be safe, if you can be. But always be amazing."
"Hmm." Robin said, frowning.
"Goodbye, Robin Hood."
"Goodbye, Clara Oswald." Robin said, while Clara winks at him, then goes into the Tardis. "So, is it true, Doctor, Jared?"
"Is what true?" The Doctor asked.
"That in the future I am forgotten as a real man? I am but a legend?"
"I'm afraid it is." I said, giving Pomu another grape to eat. "I wish you were more than a legend."
"Hmm. Good. History is a burden. Stories can make us fly."
"I'm still having a little trouble believing yours, I'm afraid." The Doctor said, looking at Robin.
"Is it so hard to credit? That a man born into wealth and privilege should find the plight of the oppressed and weak too much to bear..." Robin said.
"No."
"Until one night he is moved to steal a Tardis? Fly among the stars, fighting the good fight."
"She told you stories about the Doctor. Did she tell you anything about me?" I asked, clutching the strap of my sling bag.
"She did. You were a man from a world parallel to ours where all this was a story to you. You landed in it with the knowledge in the hope of changing things for the better."
"That I am. I am trying and doing my best." I said, smiling. "I don't know how much longer I can keep this up."
"Keep it going as long as you are able to, Jared."
"She should not have told you any of that." The Doctor said, looking at Robin.
"Well. Well, once the stories started, she could hardly stop herself. Doctor, Jared, you two are her heroes, I think." Robin said, happily.
"I'm not a hero." The Doctor said.
"Neither am I." I said, letting go of the strap of my sling bag. "I've not been a hero since this all started."
"Same here. But if the three of us keep pretending to be. Ha-ha! Perhaps others will be heroes in our name. Perhaps we will all be stories. And may those stories never end." Robin said, shaking the Doctor's hand. "Goodbye, Doctor, Time Lord of Gallifrey."
"Goodbye, Robin Hood, Earl of Loxley." The Doctor said.
"Goodbye, Robin Hood. It was nice meeting you." I said, walking up to Robin to hug him.
"It was nice meeting you too, Jared. And remember, Doctor, Jared. I'm just as real as the two of you are." Robin said, while I let go of him and entered the TARDIS with the Doctor and Pomu.
Tardis...
"Admit it, Doctor. You like him." Clara said, smirking.
"Well, I'm leaving him a present, aren't I?" The Doctor asked.
"You are." I said, walking up to the TARDIS console and turning on the scanner. "More like we are. We left him Marian."
Pomu is sitting on my shoulder, admiring what is happening on the TARDIS scanner, "I can't believe this is happening. A reunion."
(Open POV)
By a stream...
Robin looks at a woman's portrait in a locket around his neck, as the Tardis dematerialises to reveal that same young woman has been standing behind it.
"Robin? I've found you at last." Quayle's ward said.
"Marian? Thank you. Thank you, Doctor, Jared!" Robin said, firing an arrow in the air, it comes to rest somewhere. "Ha-ha-ha!"