Nat Pov
That was the best sleep I have had my entire life. I have never been this relaxed before. I think.. No.. I know it's because of him, I will always be on guard no matter who it is. But with him, I can't do anything if he attacked me, even if I expected it, so why bother thinking about it. It's like a tiny mouse standing in front of a lion, I am too weak to do anything to him and he can kill me whenever he wants, my subconscious realized that there is literally nothing I can to harm him and if he wanted to he can kill me with a thought.
It's very ironic the man who kidnaped me allows me to have 'inner peace, I feel great, I actually slept full 8 hours without waking up once, not having any nightmares, no suddenly waking up to check my surroundings, I still slept with my gun of course even if it's useless.
*knock knock*
"Natasha breakfast is ready, get up when you're ready, today we will finish fixing what the RedRoom brainwashed you to do." I hear him say behind the door
Another thing to look forward to, if I feel this good with just the little bit of brainwashing we got rid of yesterday, how great would it be if I got rid of all of it. For the first time in years, in decades I am feeling excitement over something I thought was out of my reach, something I would never have.. Freedom.
...
We managed to get rid of all the brainwashing the Red Room did to me, except the graduation ceremony I wasn't ready to deal with it all at once. The change was immediate, it's like got back something I lost long ago, I could express myself more, my tone changed, and I think I am a little cheerful, maybe because I am very happy right now. I feel even more grateful to Grant, without him this wouldn't even be possible.
He is a strange person, it isn't anything like Coulson described in his notes about him before and after the capture. Maybe Grant had a point when he said Coulson was emotional when dealing with him, he is the Director now, he should know better than to get emotional. Doesn't matter, even without getting rid of the ideas that Shield put inside my head, I can feel my loyalty towards them slipping, withering away, was I really that naive, I was using Shield for protection and they were using me as a spy for high-risk missions, where does the loyalty come from?
God this is embarrassing, I feel sick of myself, I don't think I can even have a life, what have I been doing for the past decade, 'for the greater good', whose 'good' Fury's? his bosses the ones in the government? I can't believe I ever bought that crap, I felt guilty over the things I did when I was in the RedRoom, so I thought at least I can repent by making the world a better place.
And what did the Shield do? They toyed with something they don't understand, brought back an alien(Loki) who stole the Tesseract, used it to open a portal to space and brought back an army. Then there is Loki's scepter, instead of giving it to Thor, Shield decided it would be best to give it to the government (Alexander Pierce, hidden Hydra head), the scepter then was 'robbed' by Strucker, yea right they probably sold it to him.
Yea I'm definitely not going back to Shield, after this is over, I will confront Clint, if he knows about my brainwashing I will sever all ties and disappear, if he didn't I will help him move his family to safety.
"Nat, it's time" ugh I am not looking forward to this, but I have to do it, it's my biggest mistake and the worst trauma I have
I stiffly nod at him
"Don't worry i will be there with you the whole time" he tries to reassure me, it's not very helpful because he looks as stressed as I am.
I forgot the risks he takes when he does this, one mistake and both of us could end up like vegetables, he has gotten better at this, I know, but there is always a risk of something going wrong.
I take a deep breath and calm myself "I'm ready" he nods, puts his forehead against mine and starts the spell
...
After going through the hallways of the Red Room Academy, we find ourselves at the door to the operation room or as they call it 'the final graduation'. I stand there for an hour or at least that's what it feels like to me, he hasn't said a word, not a single complaint as he stood there right beside me.
I take a few deep breaths and give him a weak nod, I am scared, I start shaking the 'me' before would lie to herself, avoid it, but the 'me' now? I will be honest to myself and face my fear directly.
He grabs my hand and gives it a hard squeeze, no other words are needed, he conveyed that I am not alone, I will be forever grateful to him, for what he is doing, for the risks he is taking.
I open the metal door and see myself on the operating table, I guess I can imagine myself like this because there is a mirror above the 'me' on the operating table, I saw everything when I was the one being operated all those years ago, I don't remember much I guess it was too painful, my mind blocked most of the memories.
They start to operate I turn away. I can't watch it. Not again! I thought I was ready, I'm not!.
"Natasha.." I hear his soothing voice
"You have to face it, its a part of you, you didn't ask for it, but it happened, you can't run away, you have to move on"
I'm still shaking, but I have to do this, for me, I have been running my entire life, not anymore.
I turn back to watch, tears start falling, I start quietly sobbing. It's not fair, what was done to me wasn't fair, it wasn't humane. Why me? Why us? What did do to deserve to become Widdows?
As soon as the operation was over, Grant quickly brought me to his chest and hugged me.
"Well done, I am proud of you" I start crying even more, as I hear glass cracking sounds all around me, signaling the destruction of the trauma
Word Count 1100 without the A/N of course.
(A/N We made it to 1M views 4.3K collections and almost 1400 power stones, #14 on the All-time power stone rank list
Thanks a lot to everyone who is still here, thanks for all the support you have given me.
I think you will love what comes next, even the '-100' will be explained in future chaps. There will be a change in release schedule because I'm beeing spread too thin, I will be starting a new full-time job, I have a mini-job that I do at night, plus my online work. From Monday the new schedule will be every other day/ 4 releases a week instead of 7, there might be 5 releases every other week. I will be starting a P*treon soon where I will upload *advance* chapters and drafts, so anyone who wants to support me and my writing passion plz go there. Yea that's all folks, I will definitely not stop, I love writing too much to stop, but I honestly don't have the time, and if I try to release every day the quality will drop, I know that the quality isn't that great now anyway (just started writing) but it will be a lot worse. Thanks for understanding.
*advance chapters sounds weird
And I am trying to make Nat more normal/emotional. People facing your trauma is no joke, if you don't do it right there are serious consequences. I think I am being fair, I don't care if she looks too weak now, she is basically at her lowest point, she can only go up from here.