Unsurprisingly, Cassandra found herself unable to sleep. After parting with Meghan and dejectedly walking back into her all too familiar room she found herself unusually confronted by the silence. What usually gave her a sense of serenity now seemed to impose on her, practically reeking of isolation and loneliness.
She had spent the whole day socialising, at peace with her decision to tell Emily about her past later that night and thus, effectively allowing her the freedom to experience the recreation day to its fullest.
It was bittersweet really, living those moments, feeling the fragility of the present and knowing that, with one move she would shatter the illusion of companionship she had so greatly treasured in Emily over the past weeks.
But alas, I couldn't do it, Cassandra thought dejectedly, rolling onto her back and staring at the ceiling. Unlike her, she knew Isabelle had every intention of telling Emily, and bluntly at that. She also knew that, despite her best efforts, any phrasing she used would be biased, it would inevitably seem like a justification.
Perhaps it was for the best that Isabelle tells her then, even if it was blunt she was certain that such a straightforward delivery would at least prompt Emily to further question her. Furthermore, with Emily's clear aversion to alcohol, the last thing Cassandra wanted to do was to tell her such things under the influence. She also knew that in order to muster that sort of courage now, she would need to have more than a couple of drinks.
All this, she knew to be just justifications on her part, a futile attempt at convincing her that it was for the best. She knew that it was inevitable yet, she couldn't help but wish to delay the inevitable, selfishly desiring one more day, one more hour, one more moment to pretend the past did not exist. That someone else had done what she had did, and she was merely a bystander.
Truthfully, she did feel this way. Her past actions were as confusing to her as they were to others and she found herself collecting the fragments of memories she had of the incidents and trying, unsuccessfully to piece them into a complete truth. Perhaps, she contemplated, this was why she found herself so unwilling to explain her truth to Emily. It was undeveloped, it was objectified really, she had no motive and no justification. All she had was damning evidence and a disconnect from her past self.
Yet, not one other person at the centre had even needed the evidence before they instantaneously distanced themselves from her. Meghan aside, no one here had even seen it. Why would Emily be any different? If she asked her directly, Cassandra knew she wouldn't be able to lie. She also knew that she would once again, find herself trying to fill a void, left by someone who no longer wants a part in her life.
What a mess I've made out of this. My own policy has come back to bite me it seems. She wearily turned onto her side and tried to sleep once again.
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After bidding goodnight to Cassandra and Meghan, Emily went into her room and sat on the edge of her bed, grinning widely as she put her hands down and leaned back, looking at the ceiling. Today really was fun. She sighed contentedly. In fact, she thought, these few weeks had been singlehandedly the best weeks of my entire life. I've made friends, I've experienced "college-life" and, most importantly I've escaped having to discuss my past. At the thought of her past, Emily's face fell as she remembered the upcoming trial.
She shifted her hands and fell backwards onto the bed, arms spread outwards. That's right, the trial's coming up in a few weeks and I agreed to testify. She sighed and stared blankly up at the ceiling. I guess even on a day like today I can't escape from it after all. Annoyed, she grabbed her pyjamas out from under her pillow and trudged into the bathroom to have a shower.
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She was back in her old bedroom, the condensation on the glass wiped messily to form a patch through which she looked down at her driveway, a shovel tip poking slightly out from under the overhang. She stood on her tiptoes to try and catch a glimpse of the figure below but it proved useless, he was too well hidden.
She turned around. Suddenly she was in her kitchen, a large knife in hand, as her Dad stood lopsidedly in the doorway, a large shovel grasped tightly in his clenched hands. The knife shook in her hands. Her throat closed up, her intended scream coming out as a mere whimper as she slowly shifted backwards.
His manic laughter echoed around the room, and she spun around desperately trying to pinpoint the sound. She stabbed at the air with increasing desperation. His apparition disappeared the second she felt she made contact. She heard a noise behind her and, without hesitation lunged towards the sound.
Her blade made contact, as she saw her mum's eyes widen with shock. She withdrew her hand as though burnt. She clutched her head. It wasn't me. I wouldn't.
The blade clattered as it hit the floor, masked by the screams and her Dad's manic laughter.
Emily woke up with a loud gasp and sat up in bed, her hands still trembling. The sound of laughter still echoed in her head but, with every rapid rise and fall of her chest she felt it slowly fade away, until only the sound of her breathing filled the room.
As her breathing began to even out she kicked her now sweaty bedsheets away and sat on the edge of the bare mattress, face in hands. She knew she wouldn't be able to go to sleep again any time soon, yet she also found herself reluctant to stand up and leave the room. Why now? It's been months since I've had any nightmares. It must be because of the trial.
She lighted her head and checked the clock. It read 3:37am, even those who had partied hard the night before would surely be finished by now one way or another. She sighed and stared out the window. The weather was still pretty warm, even at this hour. With a jacket she should be fine. So, grabbing a jacket and her lanyard she left her room to go for a stroll around the centre to clear her head.
As expected, although there was a slight wind chill, outside proved to be rather pleasant. It was a clear night, with the moon clearly visible. Due to the centre's location, a plethora of stars dotted the sky, forming a collage far superior to what Emily had observed in the suburbs.
Looking up at them, she found herself regretful that she had never dedicated some time to learning the different constellations. Nonetheless, she found their presence comforting, it made her feel small. In a good way that is.
As she slowly walked towards the courtyard she glimpsed a shadow near one of the buildings. Still on edge from her nightmare, she instinctively tensed and frantically looked around. Torn between darting into the next building and approaching from curiosity, she found herself stuck. One leg behind, poised to run, the other inching forwards.
The shadow moved slightly as what appeared to be a hooded figure approached with their hands in their pockets. Her flight response kicked in, her forward foot spun backwards as she made to walk off. She felt a cold sweat form on her forehead. Is there a curfew here? Am I about to get apprehended? Keep it casual. They don't know who I am yet.
She heard the footsteps speed up behind her. "Oi, you! Stop!" The voice called. Emily froze. Doesn't that sound like...
She turned around to see the figure approach. She let out a sigh of relief as she recognised Cassandra's limp in the person's gait. However, upon realising that Cassandra was indeed the leader and could punish her, her face fell again, almost instantly.
Seeing it was Emily, Cassandra similarly breathed a sigh of relief. "Hey, sorry if I scared you, I thought you were some drunk out creeping." Cassandra called out.
"Am I in trouble?" Emily asked nervously.
"Are you what? No of course not."
"Phew, that's a relief"
"What are you doing out here? Its like three in the morning"
"I could ask the same of you"
"Couldn't sleep that's all"
"Well same here."
Cassandra's eyes widened slightly as she let out a dry chuckle. "Since you're out here I'm guessing you have no intention of sleeping any time soon huh"
Emily just nodded wearily and looked up at the sky. "Its a nice night though, of all the nights to have trouble sleeping I don't mind its this one if the weather's like this".
"I'm guessing this isn't a regular occurrence then?"
"What isn't?"
"Being unable to sleep"
"No, it really isn't."
Cassandra smiled softly as she too looked up at the stars. "I don't intend to sleep any time soon either, if you want to look at the sky I do know a good spot. If you're interested that is."
Emily smiled and nodded eagerly, "well go on then, show me this good spot".
With Cassandra leading the way, they walked towards one of the residential blocks. Climbing the stairs they made their way to the rooftop. "This one is the only building here which has the rooftop readily accessible" Cassandra mentioned as they made their way through a fire door. Emily guessed that this was because the building was comparatively shorter than the others, although it was still a few stories high.
Upon opening the door, Emily found it rather desolate. She had expected to find folding chairs or something of the sort. But instead it was a flat concrete slab that spanned the dimensions of the building.
Cassandra closed the door behind them. She then walked over to the right side of the fire door and pulled out a rusty step ladder. She opened it and propped it against the wall perpendicular to where the door was. "After you" she said to Emily, gesturing at the step ladder.
Stunned Emily looked at the step ladder. "What's wrong with down here?"
"Here's higher up."
"..."
"I like dangling my feet ok. I don't feel safe doing it off that edge so I go up here. Happy?"
Emily smiled and walked towards the ladder. Cassandra offered her hand as Emily took it and climbed up before sitting on the edge and waiting for Cassandra to come up. The area above the fire door spanned a few metres each side. Easily enough room for two people whether they were standing, sitting or lying down.
Cassandra joined her and they sat in silence for a while, looking up at the stars and down at the rest of the centre below.
"This is quite a nice spot actually" Emily remarked.
"Mhm, it really is" Cassandra said.
"Do you know any of the constellations?"
"Nope. Do you?"
"Nope."
"That's a shame. I've been meaning to learn them at some point but I guess I never got around to it."
"Same here."
They sat in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Cassandra looked sideways at Emily who gazed absent-mindedly at the stars above, her eyebrows slightly furrowed. When she couldn't sleep she often ventured here, finding comfort in the quietness of the night and the consistency of the sky above her. On occasion she had actually accidently fallen asleep here, with the sunlight on her eyelids welcoming her into a new morning.
But tonight was not one of those nights, her dream had been too vivid for her to simply drift off again later as she had done many times previously. Even now, many minutes later, she felt a now thankfully dull pain in her ankle. She glanced down at her hands. What does this all mean?