In an early hour of the morning, Cassandra had found herself lying face-up in her bed. Her bedsheets anchored her to the bedframe. She was acutely aware of the beads of sweat dripping down the sides of her forehead, the throbbing pain in her ankle, the teariness of her eyes. But, she couldn't move.
She was no stranger to episodes of sleep paralysis. Due to her erratic sleep schedule and a natural tendency to sleep on her back she had experienced a scattered few throughout her teenage years and into adulthood. None however were quite like this.
The vivid nightmare that had preceded this was also vastly different to her previous ones.
She had stood under the mesh ceiling. Shadowless. Frozen. The artificial light coldly illuminated the large room she was in. She saw herself facing a boy who looked to be a teenager, as they stood poised, small knives in hand. Both their bodies were evidently covered in various wounds and gashes.
Blood spatters formed an eclipse shaped ring, their own arena. She tried desperately to get a glimpse of his face but could only watch herself. After observing for what seemed to be an eternity she heard footsteps behind her and with this it seemed the boy's attention had been momentarily diverted.
The once absent gaze was replaced with a piercing, pleading stare. It was as though those eyes had a consciousness of their own. She was acutely aware this was not reality. Yet, in the instant she met those eyes, her own eyes, she felt she truly saw her past self. She who was intentionally violent yet overwhelmingly regretful. She who wanted to escape. She who desperately wanted to live. She who didn't.
Suddenly her own eyes widened as she tried to call out. In one sweeping motion she saw herself fall to the ground. Clutching her ankle. The dagger skidding across the floor.
Suddenly she was the one on the floor as her past self stood expressionlessly watching from above, before a sad smile formed on her face. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the boy sprint closer as the dull ceiling above morphed into her room's.
After a couple minutes, Cassandra had found herself able to move again. Lost in thought she had propped herself against the bedframe and sat there, mentally replaying the events of the nightmare repeatedly.
Once her body had stopped shaking and her breaths had somewhat evened out she grabbed a notepad from her bedside table and jotted down in capital letters "ankle self-inflicted?". After doing so she checked the time.
The clock read 3:15 am. She sighed wearily. Last night she had also had a nightmare, and so after the recreation day she was looking forward to a long rest. It seemed luck was not in her favour seeing as not only had she had a more vivid nightmare but she had also been woken up earlier. Perhaps I ought to get my dose strengthened.
Reluctantly she grabbed a hoodie she had left on her chair and searched around for her lanyard. After finding it she had left the room, deciding that she would stroll around the centre to clear her thoughts.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The chill breeze that swept over them caused a few of Emily's displaced fringe strands to dance across her vision. As she moved to push them aside she glanced over at Cassandra, only to find her similarly lost in thought. Cassandra's hair was held in the loose braid she usually wore but the wind and sleep had left their mark, giving it a rather tousled appearance. Unlike Emily's short, dark brown hair, even in a braid she could tell that Cassandra's fair coloured hair reached far below her shoulders, sitting around halfway to waist length.
Her chin was tilted slightly down and she was fiddling around with her fingers. Resisting the urge to grab her hands to stop her, Emily instead looked back up at the sky. Despite the silence, there wasn't an awkward atmosphere on the rooftop. Rather, she surprisingly felt comforted to have Cassandra there.
With the "friends" she had made in the past she would have, without hesitation tried to fill this silence. She was, admittedly, quite desperate, to connect, to prove to them that she could relate, that spending time with her was meaningful. She longed to not have to be the one to make conversation. But, for a while, it did work, she made friends periodically throughout her schooling.
But the rumours always got the better of her. Those "friendships" proved to be as shallow as they were fragile. Gradually she discovered that the people she surrounded herself with were one of two extremes.
The intrusive type were arguably the worst. She grew up in a rather tight-knit community, and, in such an environment rumours spread like wildfire. When rumours began spreading of her Dad's drunk antics midway through her first year of middle school people suddenly gained interest in her. More than once had she fallen for this, she had revealed slight details and poured out her emotions only to have them alienate and ridicule her later.
She supposed it was due to this that the second type, the ones who wanted nothing to do with her at all, began to be more prevalent over the course of her schooling. Arguably this was better for her, in the long term that is. But Emily knew that such isolation had led to her being more defensive and self-critical.
Even now, all these years later she still found herself still reeling from that betrayal. Although she felt considerably more relaxed and open around Cassandra, Emily couldn't help but feel like she was once again masquerading. Although she knew as little about Cassandra and Meghan's past as they did hers, she still felt like she was hiding something, like she was pretending.
Even so, she found something in her friendship with Cassandra and Meghan that she hadn't previously realised. In particular, she couldn't help but feel there was something different about Cassandra. It was almost as though she genuinely didn't care what Emily had done in the past. That the whole "If you don't tell I won't ask" wasn't just an act, but rather a genuine lack of indifference towards each person's past.
One day I'll grow some balls and tell her outright. I will "tell" so she doesn't have to ask. Even if its just one person, if someone understands you, that's truly enough.
Emily looked towards Cassandra and was startled to find her staring back. Embarrassed Emily quickly turned away.
Seeing Emily turn to look at her similarly startled Cassandra. She too quickly looked away, cheeks flushed. She wasn't aware how long she had been looking at Emily. It was as though her mind was trying to take a mental image, to capture a moment in time. A moment she wished would last forever.
She cleared her throat and asked, "Hey, I'm getting a little cold out here, want to go inside soon?"
Emily looked over and nodded, "Yeah, let's do that"
Cassandra got up and dusted off her pants before making her way to the side with the step ladder. She got down carefully before standing behind the step ladder, spotting Emily in case she slipped.
Once she had safely climbed down Emily asked "Where inside do you want to go?"
Cassandra pondered this for a second before replying, "If its alright with you I'd like to head back to my room first and put something warmer on."
"Sure, let's go then"
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Emily distinctly remembered Cassandra's room from their first encounter at the centre. The piles of documents she had seen appeared to have slightly shrunk in size, or perhaps they were just more evenly distributed across the desk. She honestly couldn't tell.
"Feel free to look around if you'd like" Cassandra said as she walked over to her wardrobe. Emily initially just stood in the door frame, hesitant to go any further. But, seeing as it appeared Cassandra wasn't going to find what she was looking for any time soon, she made her way to the centre of the room.
The bed was neatly made, but that wasn't what had intrigued her. Rather it was the photos Cassandra kept on her bedside. She picked up a polaroid photo of Cassandra and Emily, joined together at the foot as they stood smiling and holding first place ribbons. This must've been their first encounter, that 3-legged race they mentioned earlier. Emily smiled, and traced her finger around their outlines, her finger lingering slightly on Cassandra's happy expression. I hope our photos turned out this good.
She put it down and looked at the other photo on the bedside. This photo was a print-out rather than a polaroid and showed Cassandra blowing out candles on a slab of banana bread while Meghan clapped ecstatically in the background. Emily couldn't help but giggle at their expressions.
"What've you found?" Cassandra asked from across the room.
"Your photos" Emily cheekily replied.
"Well I-, those were-, I-, it's not like I keep those for any reason, I just forgot to put them away that's all."
"Sure sure"
"Ah, found them." Cassandra exclaimed as she held up grey tracksuit pants. "I'll just quickly change and then we'll head to the common room ok?"
"Ok. Don't worry I'm not looking" She made an overexaggerated gesture of spinning around and lowering her head down.
Cassandra stood there stunned for a second. Of course I'm not worried, I was going to change in the bathroom anyway. But since Emily had said this she figured she might as well tease back. "You sure about that? Well here I go then..." she said in a singsong voice. "You sure you're not looking? Are those eyeballs I see? Oh wow I never expected this from you-"
Emily finally turned around. "Shut it and change"
"Fine fine. Am changing"
Emily turned her attention back to the birthday photo and turned it over. "08/27" was written on the back. Embarrassed, Emily realised that it had never occurred to her to ask when Cassandra and Meghan's birthday's were. She didn't really celebrate any friend's birthdays in school, and since hers is in early April it had never occurred to her that Cassandra's birthday could be so soon. Soon being a few weeks but still, she was glad she had discovered this detail now rather than later.
She felt a breath of cold air on her neck and flinched, her shoulders reflexively moving upwards. She turned around to see Cassandra grinning widely. "Got you". She said triumphantly. She grabbed the photo from Emily and placed it gently back on the table. "Ready to go?"
"What's written on the back, is that your birthday?" Emily asked.
Cassandra nodded. "Yep, that was my 19th last year."
"It never occurred to me to ask earlier. I'm glad I didn't miss it"
Cassandra smiled dryly. "There's still a few weeks you didn't cut it that close."
Emily cocked her head to the side and looked at Cassandra. "You aren't curious at all as to when mine is?"
"April 4." Cassandra replied smugly. "They mentioned it to me before you came in."
"What else did they tell you?"
"That you're 19 right now. That's it"
"That's really it?"
"Yep."
"Not even my full name"
"Nope"
Emily breathed a sigh of relief. "They really just told you the bare minimum huh"
Cassandra shrugged, "I prefer it that way, I don't like sticking my nose into other people's business"
Emily was relieved, she didn't know where abouts Cassandra was from but a lot of people knew about the trouble with Mr Briscoe.
Seeing her relief Cassandra's expression became complicated. That expression cleared itself a few seconds after it had appeared. "Ready to go to the common room now?" She asked cheerfully.
"And do what?" Emily inquired.
"What are your thoughts on watching a movie?"