"Get off the coffee table."
I glanced up at Jisoo as I rested my head on a skinny piece of wood, eyes not in the room but instead searching my brain.
They scanned pictures of brown skin, vibrant green eyes, soft blonde hair (oh, how I wanted to run my hands through it), and plump pink lips unable to conceal crooked teeth. A pair of gentle shoulders rested under that face, carrying a white cape and garments. I imagined those soft hands gently caressing mine, tenderly moving to trail my face before I cradled the gentle curve of her neck to—
"If you're not going to move, can you at least hand me the tools?" They sighed harshly as they continued. "I have to fix this gun for an admiral."
"Jisoo," I droned as I blankly reached for the metal pliers. My romantic fantasies were abruptly intercepted.
"Yes?" they asked. They took the piece of metal and used it to bend a barrel into place.
I gulped. "Does that offer still stand?"
"Which one?" They banged the iron chunks together as the tube made a horrendous noise. Jisoo bit their lip as the weapon decided to be testy. "How did he fuck this thing up so badly during a simulation?"
"I just need some help." Eyeing the rifle, I played with a broken string hanging from my chair.
"That's not an offer. I can do that any time." They tapped on the wooden handle to inspect it. "What's wrong?"
I inhaled, suddenly becoming nervous. "What do you do when you like someone? I know you have a girlfriend, so maybe you have some good advice."
They glanced above the trigger, precariously messing with it while I stiffened.
*Please don't point that thing at me. I don't know if it's got a bullet.*
"You tell them. Don't play some coy crap and wait for someone unless you're really confident. Otherwise,"—they tinkered with a bag of gunpowder—"you don't get to say shit when someone comes along and takes them. You had your chance. You blew it."
The weapon in front of them coughed, and I pressed myself further against the wall to avoid its miasma. Right then, I knew I made the correct choice by asking Jisoo, given they wouldn't interrogate to whom I referred. They also wouldn't give enough of a fuck to egg me on, only providing me a blunt and truthful answer to satisfy what was demanded of them.
As they fixed the croaking weapon, it gave me time to think about Koharu and me.
Sure, I knew I liked her, but I had my own reservations. I wrapped my hands around my own body, keeping them away from anyone else to touch (somewhat irrationally). After strangling myself, I reached my left hand out and dragged it a few inches above the table, wanting to feel something on my pads. I smiled when I didn't, and a twisted train of thought plowed through me.
I liked Koharu, but would it all end the same? If it ended soon after it started, would the short time spent together be worth the risk if things went awry? Would we be able to have a relationship together, or would someone ignorantly step between us?
Those were questions only I could attempt to answer, but the many passing years let those doubts become as faint as an afterglow in my mind. The steam and ashes did not obscure my thoughts and vision to detract from their clarity, and beyond them, I only saw her beaming and reaching her hand out to me in my sunny dreams. I was scared of touching her, thinking I'd have to feel her slip away from me like I was used to from others.
It was easy to come up with optimistic images if I was certain in my mind, but I had no say over her thoughts. Her flirting was obvious from day one, and she always came prepared with corny compliments and flattering phrases. She got under my skin, and her gentle care made me fall for her amidst hours of sitting alongside her.
Yet without verbal validation, I could not be sure of how she felt. I liked to think her sweet smile and warm touches *meant* something—that they weren't just figments of my imagination tricking me into thinking there was a spark there. Such coquettishness was hard to figure out, so she remained confusing and upfront simultaneously. Still, with a decent amount of certitude, I had an intimation that my suspicions and images were grounded in fact.
I grinned to the wall idly. "I think you're right Jisoo."
They shrugged. "It worked for me." A screw swirled onto the desk. "Good luck if you're going to try something."
***
Watching Sinclair and Leo discuss something magical, I exited the castle, unaccustomed to the quietness of walking out alone. After the long commute home, I greeted my parents and tucked myself in.
Laying there, I stared at the ceiling, watching the reflections of dancing stars outside. Fireflies swarmed the area, alighting the path to my room as the stars became their partners. I imagined them to be Koharu and I talking and swaying, setting the room ablaze. She was an everlasting star, and I was a firefly, only sometimes shining but wanting to reach for the sky—wanting to reach based upon the chance one would fall to me and let me bask in its light eternally.
"You want to help me take care of Father's horses today?" Koharu asked me when I drifted off to sleep and arrived in the Sun Castle. She was as bright as usual, but I felt a harsh strain emanating from my end as we smiled.
*Ah. Something new today.*
I nodded towards her, grasping the outstretched hand before me for real this time. I slid soft white palms against hers until the contact was silky smooth. My pulse pumped through it, and I noticed myself blushing as I stared at the bouncing locks on the back of her head and followed.
That song from before in the garden played from her mouth like she internalized the sheet music, nonchalantly carrying a tune to grace my ears.
The same thoughts from when I was in Jisoo's office nagged at me, urging me to take action as soon as I could. Somewhere in me, I was scared, but I was thrilled by the thought of *attempting*. I was often reserved, but I wanted that shell to come off—even indirectly. I didn't need to hide behind snarky remarks and over-politeness anymore.
*Then, I'll make it tomorrow night. I'll do what I can to confess I like you, and I won't back down.*
I looked over to her and grinned to myself, a plan hatching itself in my mind as she cocked a cheeky eyebrow towards me. It was all so bashful and innocent in a sense, but I thought we needed to move beyond that tango of puppy love we avoided like a curse.