My breath hitched when I heard his whispered words. I felt a shiver ran through my body. I have loved a man with great intensity before. But what I felt upon hearing his quiet words was way beyond what I have ever felt.
He made me weak but at the same time he made me feel powerful. He made me feel alive. To affect such a strong and stellar man brought a potent feeling that it made my heart race. How wonderful would it be to be loved by this man. Everything about him is very attractive. From his taciturn and gruff nature, quiet intelligence, to his manliness that not even the most ordinary clothes could hide. He can make women of all ages drool and cause men to envy him. He is indeed a perfect man. Any woman would be happy to receive his unwavering attention.
I looked at him with the setting sun casting shadows on his face. My fingers were itching to trace the high bridge of his nose down to his soft lips, all the way to his chiseled cheeks and jaw. I want to shower the path my fingers took with light kisses. I want to feel his arms surrounding me. I want to feel his heart beat close to mine. He made me feel a desire so strong that it over powered my resolve.
Woa! What am I thinking. This can't be happening.
I promised myself. I made a promise that I will stand on my own feet. I promised to no longer lean on someone. I promised myself that I will live my life the way I wanted to and not to depend on someone else's.
As I was trying to shake the trance that I was in at the moment, Ed started caressing my face. His gentle fingers tracing the outline of my face. From my forehead, down to my nose. Then I felt the heat of his palms against my cheeks. His thumb is now running across my lips. I felt myself burning wherever his fingers touched me. He then embraced me with gentleness and respect that almost made me cry.
As if he was not contented, he let out a frustrated sigh then held me at arms length and looked at me again. This time it was his eyes that were running across my face. It seems like he had every intention of committing into memory every contour of my face.
When I looked at him, I can see the intense desire flaring in his eyes.
I wanted to belong to you! Make me yours! Love me like you have never loved anyone before! Love me and make me forget my pain. Those were the words that my mind was screaming but my heart will never utter. I know how battered my heart and soul is.
"I want you, Helena. Let me be clear about that." he rasped. "But I can see that you are resisting it. Resisting me. Every time your eyes cloud because your body reacts to mine, I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like taking you away. What frustrates me is that, I can feel...no I know that you are not ready for this. That is why you try so hard to fight it. To fight me. And I can not do anything about this...about us, until you feel that you are ready." Edison said in a quiet voice while both his palms were on either side of my face. He made sure that I will be looking at him while he said these words.
He made his intentions clear. It is not only friendship that he wants. He wants more than what I am ready to offer. I felt a pang of sadness when I realized that I can not give what he so desire. I will loose a great guy for a friend and this made me sigh. I felt like crying.
"You are right. I feel desire, for you. So strong that it makes me want to throw caution into the wind and give in to what you want. But that is going to haunt both of us in the future. Because I would just be giving in to what you want without thinking carefully if I also want the same thing. I have been through that. I disregarded what I felt, what I wanted and just followed what he wanted, what he felt." I removed myself from his embraced. He reluctantly let me go. The moment he did, I felt cold and lonely all of a sudden.
How odd? How can he make me feel cold and lonely when we have just met.
"I am going to be honest with you, Ed, because you more than deserve it. My past, is a baggage that I can never let go. And that baggage is so heavy and dark that I do not think you can cope with it. It broke me. Broke me to pieces. I had to pick myself up. Patched and stitched myself back to a whole. But it still comes down to one thing...I am broken. And nothing can put me back to how I was before everything happened." I said. I felt hot tears rolling down my face as I was forced to confront my feelings.
I really marvel at how Ed can make me feel myriad of emotions without exerting great effort. But I will no longer be able to enjoy how he can make me feel.
"I understand if you no longer want me around. Thank you for the friendship." I said in a croaked voice. I disengaged myself from him with the intention of quietly leaving.
He watched me with lonely eyes. I can see that he does not want to accept the subtle rejection. He does not want to give up that easily.
"Are you not tired of living alone?" he asked. "Because I am. I want to be happy, Helena. And for the first time in my life, I wanted to live a happy life with someone."
"I no longer deserve to be happy, Ed. I have committed a huge sin.
"Who broke you, Helena?" he asked.