Julian
The world works in such a twisted way that sometimes I think if I could feel love, I would have turned into a villain. I have watched as the people around me claim to fall in love, only to have their hearts ripped apart by those that profess to love them. In a world where everyone works for their benefit, there is truly no place for love.
Loving someone is as complex to me as a quadratic equation is to a toddler. I simply do not understand the rules behind its operation. Race can define whether someone can be loved or not. I was an African American whose complexion leaned towards my white side so when I revealed my race to one of my girlfriends, she got so hysterical about dating black men and how I betrayed and deceived her. Apparently, she thought I was just tan and not mixed. Two days before that event, this ex-girlfriend of mine had professed what she referred to as love. I was painfully annoyed when she stormed out after saying how she regretted ever dating an n-slur. I would never hit a woman but I was very much tempted that day.
Honestly, I did not want to feel any emotional attachment to anyone or anything in this corrupt world but my parents did not see it my way. So from the days before I could remember I had seen so many therapists more than I could count on my fingers. Creating bonds with pets, talking about stuff, rediscovery, I had done it all a hundred times. I did not hate it, I just thought it was bothersome but only tolerated it because of the efforts of my parents.
"Mr. Julian Ross."
I looked up to see a young woman in a bright yellow sundress and wire glasses perched on her nose, standing at the doorway of the waiting room. I stood to greet her when she got closer. She smiled as we shook hands. She was pretty. Dainty, even. A white American woman with black hair tightly pulled into a low bun. She seemed friendly enough.
"Miss Angela O'Neil. It's nice to meet you", I greeted.
"A pleasure to meet you too."
She smiled and gestured me into her office. The room had a cozy and warm setting, a bit different from most of the others I have been in. She took me to a set of comfy-looking bean bags. A bit odd if you'd ask me, but then again this was my first ti e meeting with her so I had no idea which style she usually went for. I sat in one of the two white comfy-looking bean bags whilst she got us cups of coffee. She handed me a cup and gestured to the low table on my left, it had cubes of sugar and cream so I helped myself. She said, "Oh, don't worry about it," when I offered to pass it over to her.
"So you work as a bodyguard, how's that for you?", she started after we were settled.
"It's okay. I enjoy my work. I'm good at it."
"That's good. You work for Ajax Aindrea Diamandis. A tough job, huh?"
"No, not really. I'm very used to his antics so I don't get stressed with it."
"You two are childhood friends, is that right? I saw that in your file."
I nodded. She nodded too.
"And he's aware of your condition", she asked.
I nodded again, sipping my coffee. She wrote something down in a tiny notebook that she stuffed back into her dress pocket. The conversation flowed to different things in my life like how I had a Ghanaian father and an American mother, to which she commented that she would have never guessed due to my features. I gave a little forced smile. We also spoke about my relationships with others and how I felt about marriage. I told her what I honestly thought. That it was a lie that I would never believe in, the idea of marriage with love. It was then that she began tackling the main issue.
"No emotional attachment to anyone and anything? Not even pets?"
I shook my head, setting my cup down.
"I've had pets in my life. I care for them but I don't feel as hurt when they die," I said, then added, "usually of old age and natural causes."
She noted that down also.
"Mr. Ross, could you say your detachment from affection is a product of experiences at home?"
I eyed her, she watched me expectedly then I sat up in my seat, looking straight into her eyes.
"Miss O'Neil, are you suggesting perhaps we have "problems" at home? Are you assuming this because of my race?"
"Oh no, it's not that. It's just that usually the cause for such cases stem from the home, the upbringing of the child, and things they see at home", she hastily amended.
"Well Miss O'Neil, everything was fine at home," I sat back, "There were no problems, no abuse, and both my parents were always present in my life", I said, eyeing her cautiously. She nodded and wrote it down.
The questions went on for a while and I spoke about so many different topics in my life that she thought affected my attachment issue but I was very careful to stay away from discussing anything that came to my work. No matter who she was right now, I could trust no one when it came to my job, I just barely relied on my work colleagues at times. Another reason for steering away from my work was the feeling that I was getting from her, the way she spoke about Ajax at every given point irked me. The way she managed to include Ajax into most of our other topics.
"And you are dedicated to Ajax, am I right?"
"Of course, it's my job", I answered, finishing the coffee then I set it on the table.
"I see...", she hummed as she noted that down too.
A tiny clock began to tinkle then, I checked my wristwatch and realized our session was over.
She smiled and said,
"It was a pleasure to speak to you, Mr. Ross. We'll meet again next week."
I nodded then stood to leave but then at door, she stopped me by calling out my name.
"Mr. Ross- Julian. We should date."
What the actual fuck. I frowned at the statement then asked,
"Why?", I composed myself.
"No serious reason", she shrugged.
"Is that allowed?"
She shrugged then smiled. Honestly, I was thrown off by the suggestion. Why would someone I just met today ask me something like that, much more my therapist? I shook my head at the offer then said,
"No, we shouldn't. Let's keep it professional, please."
She smiled then nodded but said,
"But is it okay if you just go on one date then?"
I thought about it for a moment then nodded. I thought about why she seemed interested enough to ask to date me, it was obvious that it was not because she was attracted to me at all. It occurred to me that there could be only one other reasoning and that was Ajax. We could go on this date and I would try to find out why she was so interested in Ajax. She could be a potential risk to him, therapist or not.
"Sure, why not?"