On Sunday, Uğur texts me to meet in front of the market in the afternoon. I hope we will spend time outside as the weather is starting to warm up, but we don't talk much about what to do.
I put on a long dress and braid my hair. I don't forget to take a cardigan with me just in case. I already have a style of dressing that reflects the phrase "lady girl" in general. I don't mean to be a lady, but I like to dress like this. I also love to braid my hair. I work on various braids, I force my mom to make me hairstyles I see on the internet.
While waiting for Uğur in front of the market, the last thing I expected was his car to come, but he still manages to surprise me. He opens the window of his gray, ordinary car and waves at me.
-Hi, are you ready?
-Yes.
-Come on.
For a moment, a feeling of anxiety takes over me. I can't say that I know Uğur very well. We've never spent time together before and there are no words to describe how much he has changed over the years. Is it okay for me to get in his car? Will anything happen to me? Why is it so hard to be a woman? Wouldn't it be great if we had superpowers or a danger radar? Or if people were good? Which is more impossible, hard to predict…
-Okay. I say softly.
I swallow as I close the distance between us. I open the car door and sit hesitantly in the front seat. Uğur smiles at me.
-I hate public transport. That's why I bought my father's car.
-Hmm…
-I think you got a little nervous?
-No, no. Why should I be nervous?
I'm trying to laugh. He looks at me, raising his eyebrows.
-We can leave the car if you want.
-No, no. Why should we leave?
I talk like a robot. We look at each other for a few seconds. Uğur doesn't seem to have been offended at all. I don't have a distress radar, but he doesn't look like he's going to hurt me. Keep the Dolu Kadehi Ters Tut down playing in the background, he reaches out and turns the radio down as the song Gitme comes to an end. I feel like I'm finally starting to calm down.
-If you have a car, take me somewhere nice.
Uğur smiles and takes off.
-What kind of place is nice according to you?
-Nice question.
I really, really like it when he asks me instead of being too knowledgable.
-I like to sit outdoors.
-Then we can go to the beach?
-Really?
-Yes. I am also an open space person. There is a camping chair in the trunk.
-This is great! Pretty cool! I wish I had a car too. And my license.
He shakes his head, laughing. It looks calm and comfortable. Still, I can't help but think that there is something strange about him. Maybe I'm the one who is strange. I feel like Uğur is not like that. As if it shouldn't be. I don't know how he is though! I'm not even sure of the accuracy of my childhood memories. It still sounds weird. Even though he is sitting next to me, laughing and talking to me, I feel like there are miles between us.
I enjoy the scenery by listening to beautiful songs along the way. One is of course the Uğur landscape, which can speed up my heartbeat while driving, and the other is the road. I try not to look at him, but sometimes I can't help myself. Since he doesn't talk much, I have no choice but to follow him and the road.
Finally, we find ourselves a nice corner and settle into the chairs that Uğur carries. There's enough space between us to put another chair. It's not very nice, but I'm keeping quiet. Uğur puts the cloth bag he brought from the car into the space between us.
-Have you had breakfast?
-Well… Yeah. It is already noon?
-I have a late breakfast.
-You do?
-Yes.
He covers one eye with his hand while looking at me. I would like to say a scary sight but it just looks cute.
-Why?
-I don't like to eat something after waking up. That's why I usually have lunch.
-You must be pretty hungry then.
-Yup. My stomach is rumbling. Don't you hear?
-No... It can't be heard from this distance, don't be afraid.
Laughing, he reaches for the cloth bag between us.
-Do you like coffee?
-What?
I look at the thermos he took out with amazement.
-Do you like coffee, Rüya?
-I mean… I can't say I particularly like it, but I drink it.
-Beautiful. Sandwich?
While I watch him with my mouth open, he pours coffee into two mugs and hands me the sandwich he is holding with a napkin. I am really in shock. I can't manage to close my mouth.
-Your mouth is open. Is it because you're so hungry?
Uğur is laughing at me for a long time this time. After a few seconds, I am able to speak.
-Are you kidding?
-Hmm? Why?
-HOW SO?
I hold the glass with one hand and the sandwich with the other. Uğur takes a big bite of his bread without losing his composure.
-I really don't understand what you're talking about.
-Do you always take coffee and a sandwich with you?
-No... I took something with me because I don't like to eat out and I'm hungry.
- Shocked... I'm in shock. Shock.
Even after minutes, I can't come to my senses. Even when I run out of bread and coffee, I am still amazed. I don't deny that the Uğur l imagined is a fictional character, but who is this for God's sake? I shouldn't be surprised if Uğur, whom I know well and regularly, would do such a thing, but I can't help it. How? He was actually prepared. He came with a picnic basket! Unbelievable! I guess I will continue to be surprised by this for as long as I live.
-Would you like another one?
-No, I've had enough. Thank you. I am really surprised. I can't believe you made me a sandwich. I can't believe you even made yourself a sandwich. I can't believe anything right now.
Uğur pours the coffee at the bottom of the thermos into his glass. His hands are shaking from laughing. I continue to be surprised by looking at those beautiful hands. I don't even know why I'm so surprised anymore.
-You are a really interesting person, Rüya.
-ME? LOOK AT YOURSELF!
My scream causes a few people to look at us. I shut my mouth in shame.
- Let's not talk about it anymore.
-Oh, okay. Sorry. You just took me by surprise.
-Funny.
He sits back and puts on his sunglasses. I pout, though I can't lament that it deprived me of this wonderful sight. After the seconds of sitting in silence, I sit back too.
-What did you do after primary school?
-Ordinary things... School, classroom etc...
-Which department are you studying in?
-I quit the school.
-Ha?
-I do not study.
-You don't study?
-Yes, Rüya.
I thought I couldn't be more surprised, but this boy must have come into the world to surprise me.
-But why?
-Because there is no benefit.
For three minutes, I silently watch my primary school friend Uğur Tarlan, who is leaning comfortably with his white T-shirt, light-colored jeans, black earrings and bracelets, black-gray hair and frail body. Something is wrong. There must be a mistake somewhere… How could I be so stupid? It hadn't even occurred to me for years, but obviously I had a folder in my brain that belonged to him. Now, in this dusty folder, "Ugur, the monument of perfection" and the real Uğur are so incompatible that everything he says and does seems unbelievable to me. I feel a real horror growing inside of me. These things seem as surprising to me as encountering the real face of something you know to be true.
-What does that mean?
-That's what you understand.
-I didn't understand anything! Please explain.
Uğur straightens up and takes off his glasses. I agree as he looks at me seriously. Finally, he takes a deep breath and speaks calmly.
-I have an average intelligence. So is the economic situation of my family… No matter what job I work under these conditions, I will have to continue working in order to survive. I can neither have an incredible wealth and live a life without working, nor will I have the time and opportunity to travel the world. Since I cannot reach the best, most comfortable, most comfortable options, I think it is unnecessary to make an effort.
-But you… You are working now?
-Yes. After all, I need to make money.
-Don't you make an effort by working?
-I do. But it's not like the effort I have to spend studying.
-But if you have a good job, you will work in better conditions, you will get more salary.
-True. Then what do I do with that money?
-What do you want?
-Do you have any idea how much money I should have if I want to go abroad?
-It is quite necessary, but…
-I will continue to pay the expenses of a house at the same time.
-Yes, but…
-If I have a family, I will also be responsible for them.
We are watching each other. I'm sure I don't understand it. I don't think he understands me either.
-Everything is okay but you are working, earning and spending money now. I can't understand the difference.
-That's it… That's the point… I don't think there is a difference either. I just realized that I don't need to strive for more than that.
-Exactly when?
-Hmm…
While playing with the earring in his left ear, he stares at the grass, lost in thought. It's impossible not to appreciate his honesty…
-Thirteen months ago, I guess.
-So you were going to college, but thirteen months ago you woke up one morning and said you can't deal with it anymore?
-I think so.
-But working at the grocery store must be exhausting.
-Physically it is…
-I'm sorry, but I really can't understand you. I'm sure in time I will understand.
-It's okay if you don't understand.