We made our way slowly to the school field. Back then, I had no idea why we chose to go there out of all the places in school. Perhaps the school field was the only place we could be comfortable with ourselves and reconnect with our souls.
Apparently, H had just ended his tennis practice and the session had not gone as smoothly as he wanted. Being the president of the Tennis Club, he had voiced out his opinions for more rigorous training. However, this was not agreed upon by all his teammates and they had an argument. H was frustrated and stomped out to get a cold drink at the vending machine. Who would have known that there was this angry side to H? And who would have known that I would appear at that very moment?
We sat down on the field. I felt awkward sitting next to him. We never talked much to each other unless necessary and we did not hang out with the same group of friends. There was nothing we could talk about just between the two of us.
Regardless, sitting on the grass at the field seemed to wash the worries away. The smell of the grass, the way the grass brushed against our skin ever so gently, the sound of the crickets chirping… Everything was just so peaceful at that moment. There was rarely a time to enjoy moments like these nowadays. The fatigue in us drained away. Surprisingly, we both let out a deep sigh simultaneously.
"Sooo, things haven't been going well for you I guess?" H inquired, turning around to face me. I nod, not knowing how else to keep the conversation going. I was not about to bare my vulnerabilities to someone I barely talked to. Being the eloquent person he always was, H continued to ramble on about the recent happenings in school, not bothered by the fact that I had barely spoken. I was listening to him, but I was also not listening. If you ask me if I remembered what H had shared about the other day, I do not remember any specific topic at all.
Two people sitting at the wide, green field. Doing nothing much. Just H talking. It seemed as if I was the one healing H by being his listening ear and hearing him rant. In fact, I believed he healed me more than I had comforted him. Listening to his rambling saved me from the scary thoughts running through my head.
H talked for quite some time. After that we stood up and bade our goodbyes. As I was about to leave, H stopped me and grabbed my wrist. Our shoulders were merely inches apart.
"Amerie, you don't have to put on a strong front. You are already doing very well. You don't have to compete with anyone to prove your worth. YOU ARE ENOUGH! I just feel that you shouldn't put so high expectations on yourself and I want you to be happy more than anybody else!"
My vision blurred. Emotions buried deep within me welled up. I could feel a lump forming in my throat. A hot tear rolled down my cheek. I dared not look up at H. I was afraid that if I saw his soft and gentle gaze, I would break down. I was trying very hard to hold back my tears, to remain unfazed. I thought that I had hid my feelings well and no one understood me. How is it that he could see through what I was feeling like an open book? How could he understand me more than my parents could? Every word he said was so raw and real, tearing open my scarred wounds. The pain pierced through me like a sharp knife as he revealed my vulnerabilities, but the comfort in his words was also almost immediate.
By then, I was sobbing uncontrollably. Tear after tear rolled down my face. I had made a vow to never let myself cry in front of anyone, even my closest family. Yet here I am, crying in front of H, my classmate for years but whom I barely talked to. H wiped the tears away from my face. His fingers were warm. His warmth filled my cold heart.
How did things ended that day? How did we part ways at the end? I do not know. All I could remember from that day was the words that H said at the field. The words that comforted me through the darkest phases in my life. Even today I could not forget. I could not forget that H healed me that day. All my life I was yearning for someone to understand me without me having to explain much. I never believed that there could be someone who really understood me. I did not realise that H might be that someone. And now I realised it too late.