Intrapersonal.
A communication of an individual towards themselves.
Anxiousness.
Inferiority.
Bored.
Powerless.
Remorseful.
Or whatever you call it. It's just all equivalent into despair.
This is like a 'Cold Monochrome' sketch of world. No light, just black and white. Silence. Just like you woke up one day and you'll ask if what will happen in this world again.
"Now, you realize?" Alex asked. "It looks like, you're just seating there for 30 minutes already."
I let out a brief of laughter and responded, "I have a lot inside my head, right now. I finally understand."
"I'll add more if you want."
"Sure then."
"Have you ever wondered, how blessed you are?"
"About what? Maybe, sometimes."
She cleared some obstruction from her throat and started to state her words, "Not all students, do have laptop or an iPad to study. Lot of them, use their phone, in order to learn."
Something like a strong pull of touch on my heart, felt in me.
She's right.
"But they are dedicated to continue studying," she mumbled. "This kind of situation is very challenging. Teachers do their best in order to deliver the lessons that they wanted you to know."
And that's the point.
It's not just one individual who do adjustments, but also those teachers to their students, they stay dedicated. And if they do, why not me, too?
Parents who always manage their time in able to communicate with their family, like my parents do. A lot choose to serve, give hope and help everyone lift up and overcome.
What was use of giving up? If we're also part of a community, if we're big part of this world?
If they could so overcome and they are also human like us, despite that student is different from adults. We're still a 'human'.
"Seems like, you will get back to your real timeline, in the soonest."
All of the thoughts that running in my head, pause a bit, as I made a little gap in between my lips.
"Will you appear again, once I came back?"
"I don't think so," she responded.
Unknown reason and I suddenly a felt of sadness.
"Why tho?"
"I feel like, I will wake up from comatose, soon as well."
I remain silent, afterwards and I felt her presence beside me.
"Don't you want it? You will get rid of an irritating soul-"
"You're not irritating." I don't even think twice, but I just let out utter by my mouth. "You become the way in order for me to see, what I have to see."
It might still be a question in my consciousness, she choose to put me in a way of being a crippled and blind one, but everything that my soul absorbing through the day's being here, isn't something to regret.
It is something that I will always look back and be thankful as always.
I slowly lifted both of my legs that were hanging at the side of my bed, supporting it with both of my hands, and carefully placing them on the mattress.
Then after that, I put my hands beside my butt to elevate my upper body and move to other side, repeating it for a few times until I reached the end of the upper side of bed. I leaned my back on the headboard, feeling the squishy pillow digging at the back of my hip.
"Even my timeline here isn't done yet, I wanna say thank you," I said.
"I was just the one give you the way, you're the one who walk in that path." She lean closer beside my right ear and mumbled, "You should be thankful to yourself."
"But-"
And without even me completing my sentence, her presence just suddenly disappeared.
I just withdraw my breath and speaks under my breath, "But I also have to be thankful for you, coming to my life."
Two weeks later and I continue studying, I started to have friends, unlike before. That made me realize the life of being just yourself, when you just see 'you' and not the other sides.
That's when the 'right' become 'wrong'. Selfishness in short, whereas, you think it's right, because it benefits you, but at the same time wrong, because you never think of the impact it will lead to other people.
Before, I don't want to help my co-students, because?
I don't want anyone to become much more popular than me.
And.
I don't help them, since more likely, they just ask me whenever they couldn't find how to answer their assignments.
Unfortunately, I didn't even realize before that I am the one who really do not interact with them.
When do we will know that it's 'selfishness', then?
Loving yourself, isn't selfishness.
Being self-less is stupidity.
But.
Just thinking of your own sake all the time, is selfishness.
When you do not care about others who really needs you.
As a human, we're not born to be perfect. Perhaps, we have a lot of passions, it's a blessing, but not a way to be boastful.
Since we're imperfect, we all get weak, dumb or stupid, reason why we tend to ask help.
The reflection of me, being frustrated for being not the top of the class, because I don't have the same ability of who I am in original life, is just also a structure of normalityㅡas a human.
I seek for help and I felt how it felt like, no one cares about me.
Now, see how I just also do it a lot of times when I was complete?
The fact is, most of us tend to look so tall, whilst being untouchable whenever we get, achieve or be like more than anybody else.
But, what it's used?
You're happy?
People admire your intelligence? Your achievements? Your accountable passions?
Do you think that's it?
You will always be happy?
Might be these days, you will be happy, but anytime, it could just fade away.
With those kind of over confidence that building us, as we grow older. You kept wanting the passion that you have from being able to expand the world that you have, consume you.
In short, instead of helping others to developed themselves and grow, you just kept helping yourself.
What if you got into a position of them? What would you feel? Will you be happy?
Why do we need to think of it, if we're already in the easy peasy life?
Well, what about me? I never knew that the person who I have just met in the bench, will lead in the different kind of situation in just one blink of eye.
Why?
Because nothing has it's assurance, there's always a probability, without us being conscious, when.
Hours that I have spent, I finally closed the laptop on my lap. I just have done completing my tasks for the school tomorrow.
I was covering my lower body a thick blanket that moment, when someone turn to twist the knob and open it.
I was stopped in the position of my left arm, buttressing against the mattress, whilst my right hand handling the edge of the blanket.
"Is it, Ha-Ji?"
"Yeah, I just check you out. It's already 12 AM, you still up."
I completely rest my back on the mattress and felt the comfort it's wanting as I responded, "I just finished my tasks, few minutes ago." As I pull the blanket over my chest. "Any business?"
"Nothing at all, but if ever I do have...
"I'm seeing a lot of improvement to you, DJ."
Both of the corners of my mouth, curved upwards and closed my eyes, as there is no any difference between that two. As I just see a fully darkness in both ways, but amazing indeed, because you have a very strong sense when it comes to hearing and feeling.
"Well, I guess, it's a good news."
"Mom and Dad was glad, to be honest. They just hide it, but they are so proud of youㅡalways."
I properly-fitted the back of head against the cushy pillow and said, "We're all just be thankful that, we exist for each other."
I may not see a smile on her, but a small respiration that I heared afore she completely close the door, is just a simple indication that she did.
Indeed, that moment, I salute those people who have disabilities, it's not easy, but they push themselves to keep moving and face their new day.
Compare to other people who have complete healthy body, who choose to become silent and just stay where they are.
The truth is, we will never understand something, unless we never tried.
Or.
Until we never been there.
Like what other people says, you cannot compare number '9' and '6', because they do have different perspectives.
Which means, what might other people feel, will do not expected to have the same feeling as you.
And if ever people do not repay your good manner, whenever you help people. They are the one who will carry it, not you.
The thing that everyone should note is, tolerate people in the right way, because you will teach them how to treat you.
Choose, neutrality.