"Estrange," said Alma.
I kept my eyes closed. Had she sensed this? She seemed far away, but her voice was so clear. I sighed with difficulty.
"... Estrange," she repeated softly. She spoke to me.
Could a broken heart beat again? Mine seemed capable of it.
"Where are you?" she sighed. "I beg you... rest."
She wanted me to stay with her. But where was I? I rushed to find words and describe the feelings that poured into me, but none were strong enough to reflect them. For a long time, I sunk inside myself. When I finally surfaced I was no longer the same being as before. Could a granite heart, unbreakable, still break? Mine was ready to!
My life was irrevocably closed to any change. For me, it was inevitable; it will always be too late. So how was it possible that an event arising with the force of nothingness could cause a dazzling change?
The moment I realized that I was a vampire, I was literally frozen. My mind was turned, I refused at first to believe that such an existence was possible. My conscience was paralyzed, my personality, my likes and dislikes, my desires and aversions, everything was frozen when at the age of thirteen my father had unveiled the secret of our family. I became swifter, my hearing rivaled that of a cat, I was able to perform calculations at hellish speeds, I healed quickly after an injury from an accident. But at that time, scientists did not know such a thing could exist and be explained scientifically. For them, it was awful. Our existence has to be concealed.
Science has learned belatedly of the possible evolution of the retrovirus HERV-K, genetically transmitted and non-progressive - such as HIV. It was the same for each of those of our race, or those aware of our nature with which we try to live, or discovered by those who like to use our abilities.
I refused myself even a moment's respite all these years, thinking that one day I could be a normal person. I never wanted to inflict on someone else my pain, or my secret. I never dreamed that one day, more than eighty years later, I would have such an encounter. My father made me understand that the only positive and permanent change is caused by love. More than ninety years had passed since my father met my mother, and that first love lasted until his death. Too bad their story was so short!
A feeling of splitting occurred in me. Something unknown was growing, overwhelming the mountains of indifference that I had bothered to build around my heart to enclose it. In my dizziness, I became aware of a new sensation, a sudden fever, and the darkness inside my head was replaced by a spell of light, like fireworks, and an outpouring of passion welled up inside me.
It would be!
I would love this delicate girl without limits. I would respect her innocence, and protect her. I imagined her face and this love for her took root in every part of my body.
I was between reality and unreality for a long time, in the same place. After a long moment, my eyes saw the lights of lampposts in the dark night. I was in front of the building, it was very late.
My soul, if I had one, now wanted to rest in the arms of this delicate girl, and I would do everything possible to offer it this opportunity. I focused on her face and I moved again, as before, mentally, in her room. I saw her sleeping peacefully in her bed, the music box in her arms, a small smile. While watching it, I began to think. I loved her, so I should try to be strong enough to keep her and change my future.
Deliberately, I took a deep breath, then another, I let her scent burn me as a wild fire. The car was filled with her fragrance. It was clinging to each object. My head was spinning, but I fought the dizziness.
I left when the sun rose in the east behind the clouds, conspiring against me.