I drove my car back home after Sae's mother left the scene. While I was driving, the incident kept looping inside my head. I was paying half attention to my driving. I couldn't concentrate. I could only think about the things I had done.
I could have done a better job. I could have handled things better.
If I could just remember the numbers of the ambulance. If only I could properly apply first aid instead of watching my childhood friend who cherished me so much, suffer. If only I could drive her to the nearest hospital. If only I studied the surroundings around her house.
If only I was a better person.
I was weak.
I couldn't be the knight in shining armour for her. I couldn't be the superhero in her story and save the day like a man. I even made her work so much even though she was already in pain. I made a crying girl cried even more by making her crawl towards the door just so I can save my ass from paying repairs.
I felt so useless.
Sae had always been the dominant one in the relationship. She would cook for me. She would buy me gifts. She would even show me both the strong and weak sides of her life. She was willing to give me everything she could offer me. She was even willing to learn new things for me and succumb to my lust by offering me services an otaku can only dream of.
While I was only being a scumbag by telling her my worries and cared only about my own fun. I could only show her off to my friends about the things my girlfriend would do for me even though the things she did for me was exclusively for me. I only cared about satisfying my lust as she offered her body to me. I would only accept the gifts she gave me while she worked hard to earn them.
I was a literal scum. I was the absolute worst boyfriend who could only see her childhood friend as an object of satisfaction. I was…
As I was thinking about the things I hated about myself, I could see the car in front of me had stopped moving. I quickly stepped on the break and thankfully did not get myself into an accident.
As the traffic light turned green, I drove my car into a parking lot at the side. It would be best to calm myself down and thought about it until I was satisfied before driving again. As I parked my car, I looked at my own reflection through the rear-view mirror and noticed I was already crying.
I was a terrible person for only caring about my own feelings. I had never once stopped to think about Sae's feelings for me. I knew about her condition and her possessive trait but I only ever used it as satisfaction of my own lust and a tool to control her.
I never had the chance to enjoy a youthful middle school and high school life. I never got the chance to date during those times. I had always dreamed of having a school romance. In the end, I was disappointed by reality as my life was never like those shows I watched on TV.
When I learned that my childhood friend was in love with me, it was as if an open door of opportunity. My life can still be like the anime I watched on TV, where the childhood friend would want to date and marry the main character. Where the childhood friend would do all sorts of things with him. I realized I could be the main character in those shows when Sae appeared in front of my eyes. And when the opportunity was given to me, I used it to my advantage.
I was able to earn back the youthful life I couldn't have when I was younger. I could finally gain back that life I never once had as a kid and relive them by spending time with Sae. Sae was my tool to enjoy life again.
However, this wasn't just about me. this wasn't just about my life. There was her life too. She was also the main character of her own show. She had her own story and her own struggles that she had to go through. She needed me to be her moral support but I tossed them away as I thought they were in no need of my story. I was only treating her as a plot device for my character development.
However, after seeing her suffer in front of my eyes, things were different.
"I'm so glad she's fine…"
I was able to feel happy that Sae was still alive from the incident. I was happy that the oil only reached her thighs and not in any of her exposed body parts like her eyes or her face. She was still able to hide her wounds from plain sight and were clearly not life-threatening either. She could still walk properly despite needing some time to rehabilitate.
"Damn it…"
I was able to feel sad when it was the first time I saw Sae cry. She was in pain and I couldn't help but share that pain with her as it broke my heart too. I was crying because I know I couldn't be by her side right then when she was in the hospital. I was crying because of the fact I finally understood how much I was mistreating the person who trusted me the most.
"Fuck. Fuck! FUCK!"
I was able to feel angry when I saw how weak I was in front of Sae. I was furious that I couldn't be her hero in her troubled times. I couldn't contain my anger when I thought about how much more I could have done in that situation. I was angry at myself for making her work so hard for someone who was unwilling to return the favour. I was angry for being the person I hated the most.
"Sae…"
I finally understood now. These emotions I felt for Sae were genuine. I could feel happy for her. I could cry for her. I could get angry at myself because of her. Even though these feelings were only for me, they were all related to her.
There were many things I lusted about her. The way she can be possessive and seductive. The way she liked my hands and smells. The way she was willing to live up to my expectations. All of it was great.
But none of those were things I could say that I loved about her.
But the feeling inside of me felt genuine.
She had changed me.
"I need to find her."
I immediately reversed my car and went towards her hospital. However, my car didn't obey as it died while parked on the side. I tried restarting the car but there was no sound other than the click from the key. It would seem that the car had died for some reason. I could only laugh in pain as I humour myself with the situation I was in.
"I don't even know which hospital she went anyway…"
I grabbed my phone and dialled my mother's phone number, hoping she would come and pick me up at my current location. And while I was waiting for my mother to pick up the phone, I thought about the most important thing to me in that situation.
"Wait for me, Sae."