My name is Shinyu Ashida.
I am a 19-year-old boy who is currently studying as an art student. Though, I'm barely getting by.
I have relatively thick hair with a fringe that covered my right eye. I like to keep it long after all since I liked anime characters who had one side of their eyes covered by their hair. I thought it looked cool. I wanted to look cool too, so I followed.
I have a rather big nose and a really long tongue. Because of that, I was jokingly ridiculed among my peers as the boy who could touch their nostrils with their tongue. They compared me to a famous mascot character from a kids show but I took that as a compliment.
I'm tall and I can say that with utmost confidence. When I met my elders for the first time after a long time, the first thing they would comment on me wasn't my looks or the way I dress but by how tall I have grown.
And no, I do not play basketball.
I like to wear a white t-shirt with red or black short pants. I am mostly seen with a black jacket with black sandals. At times, I would be seen with a blue hairband to keep my eyes out of any obstruction when I need to. I was eventually being known as the guy who has a hairband too.
I had a rough childhood.
My times in elementary school were rough. I was bullied by the coolest kid in school and my teachers and parents were helpless against it. Now, I felt like I deserved them as I was not the brightest kid either. And with a series of events, I developed a psychological trauma with knives, clowns and horror films. Those were my darkest times and they still haunt me to this day.
My times in middle school were tough. I wasn't bullied physically as much but I was socially outcasted. Not by the people around me but by choice. I tried making friends but they didn't last long since I was told to be annoying and childish. So, I developed insecurities and pushed away from the concept of friendship.
These insecurities took an all-time low when I entered 1st year of high school. An incident occurred and I wasn't able to stop who I thought was my best friend and save who I thought was my enemy. I learned that I don't deserve to have friends and I should just forget about being myself. And because of that incident…
I came to hate my name, Shinyu Ashida.
The name 'Shinyu' meant best friend. I was given the name on a whim by my parents and I thought they were fine. Until I realized that I failed to be what my name wanted to be. I don't deserve to be anyone's best friend. So I played with the wordings of my name and have my name changed among my peers. Other than my teachers and family…
I want to be known as Nobuo.
Nobuo didn't deserve to be a friend. Nobuo wasn't worthy to be surrounded by the people around me. Nobuo only cared about one thing. He only cared about being a happy-go-lucky idiot who could make good memories even though it caused him nothing but pain. Nobuo wanted to do dumb stuff and be a cheerful pervert.
Nobuo doesn't want to have friends. He wants to be other people's friends.
He was too broken and in pain. He felt unworthy. Therefore, he only acted like a robot to fuel his psychological trauma and stop himself from ending his own life.
Nobuo was Shinyu Ashida's coping mechanism.
Nobuo was also interested in getting into a relationship. But he wasn't doing it out of love, he was doing it to enjoy the feeling of being in a relationship. He didn't care who he was going out with. All Nobuo ever cared about was as long as the girl was cute and treated him well. And when he met any girl that fit in that category, he was willing to get rejected over and over again until he landed on the right boat.
And as the timing was right, you appeared in our lives. Sae Taniguchi, his and my childhood friend who we knew since pre-school and reunited once again in cram school was also a love potential for Nobuo. Nobuo was willing to use her as fuel for his coping mechanism.
When Nobuo was dating another girl, he only cared about having fun and making sure the girl remained by his side. When Nobuo and her broke up, Nobuo had already known about your feelings for him but feigned ignorance to prevent himself from making any mistakes. He wanted you to tell him that you loved him so you could fuel his own self-esteem.
But the day came when Nobuo couldn't handle the number of hints you had dropped on him and decided to just ask you directly. Nobuo realized your feelings and used them for his own selfish needs.
You were the perfect girl for Nobuo. You were an independent and strong girl. You were willing to play the yandere character that he had always fantasized about. You were a great cook and you were the perfect wife in his eyes. However, he didn't love you. He was using you.
He lusted for the body you had. You were submissive and were willing to abide by his kinks. You gave him your all while he thought he gave you his all. None of them was out of love though.
However, that changed when I understood that Nobuo wasn't a different person. Nobuo was me.
We were one.
I was the one who was using you for my selfish needs. I was only into you for my lustful desires. I took your love for granted and played it on the palm of my hands as if I had owned you.
I realized now that I haven't been treating you well enough. There were so much I could have done for you but I threw excuses at myself just because of my own shortcomings.
But when that incident happened. Something changed inside me. It was as if it became a turning point in my life that I was being blind to my relationship with you.
Nobuo doesn't know happiness but you made Nobuo feel happy. When he walked into your house and found you alive, he was happy. When you worked so hard to earn a living so you could move out with him, he was happy. When you gave him your best cooking, he was happy.
You made me happy. I was also happy for you.
Nobuo doesn't know sadness but you made Nobuo feel sad. When he found you crying in pain, he was sad. When he learned about your past, he was sad. When you talked about how the people around you were being hostile towards you, he was sad.
You made me sad. I was also sad for you.
Nobuo doesn't know anger but you made Nobuo feel angry. When he saw you saying sorry multiple times, he was angry at himself for being useless. When he learned about how you chase his friends away because you were jealous, he was angry at you. When you told him how your friends said you were crazy, he was angry with you.
You made me angry. I was angry for you.
I don't know what was the real reason I grew to love you honestly. You aren't the prettiest looking girl and you aren't the only girl I could lust for. Heck, you wouldn't even let me talk to another girl when we started dating.
You aren't the best cook but I would eat anything you cook. You don't always buy the right gifts but I was able to accept anything you offer me. You don't have the best body but I can never get bored of the hugs we share. I don't even know what's great about you but I guess love just doesn't need a reason.
I guess that means I love you for no reason at all.
And because of that, you were breaking the shell known as Nobuo that I had spent years keeping it on. The shell, known as Nobuo who only cared about wanting love from people who could give him the fun he wanted. You cracked it open and pulled me out of it, the real me who would care about his friends and family. The real me who could truly love you for who you are.
Sae Taniguchi, you made Shinyu Ashida feel like Shinyu Ashida again.
And those scars on your thighs was proof of that.
So don't be insecure about them.
They are the living proof that you had made a difference in someone's life.
My life.
I now realized that I shouldn't have treated you like you were a tool for me. You have your own circumstances and I should have been there for you when you need me. You are more than just my girlfriend. You are more than just my best friend. You were more than just a childhood friend.
You are the main character in my story.
Thank you.
And just as I said my thanks...
I don't want a relationship of sorries, I want a relationship of thanks.
You thought me that I should just be myself. You thought me to believe in myself when no one believed me. You thought me that I was never alone because you were there for me. You thought me how much of an idiot I was. You thought me how I should overcome my problems instead of running away from them.
You are always by my side. You are always on my mind. You are the source of my happiness, my sadness and my anger. You are the best childhood friend I could ever ask for. You are the reason I can finally be myself. You are the reason I can say this to you. You have absolutely no idea how much you mean to me.
You don't need to do anything to earn my love...
Because you thought me, unconditional love.
Sae Taniguchi.
I love you.
I love you unconditionally for no reason at all.
Can I share that unconditional love with you for the rest of my life?
END