As he blew out the candle on the cupcake he'd bought for himself for his birthday, Joel wondered if his Uncle Albert would really make an appearance after his shift. Three weeks ago he'd received a birthday card with a puppy in a martial arts gi breaking a board it read Hope You Have a Smashing Birthday. Inside instead of the twenty dollar bill he was hoping for was a note from his elusive uncle Al.
For your birthday I'll visit and take you to enroll at a small college I know of. Your first year's tuition is on me but you'll have to earn the rest. See you soon J.J.
With Love, Uncle Al
All Joel knew of his great uncle was he was a tenured researcher for some small fantasy magazine The Loot Mule. The energetic old man was always out on an expedition spear hunting feral hogs in Texas or interviewing surfers in South Africa about a giant squid sighting. All stuff to give the artists back at his publication material to inspire their pseudo travel magazine through the mythical world of Parthobos.
By the time Joel was eight he had read enough back issues he could give a formal greeting to one of draconic descent and field dress a horned rabbit for its useful components. His mom did not appreciate the mess he made with the Easter decorations practicing that skill.
The few times his uncle had shown up he had brought dangerous gifts with him. When Joel was six his uncle gave him a set of jacks he referred to as Mithril Guard dogs. Strangely Joel's house was broken into later that month the burglar stepped on them and crawled away from the house screaming about spiky demons. Joel could have sworn he had put them back up in a shoebox under the couch. His mother washed them in bleach and grounded him from playing with them for a week.
Uncle Al was from her side of the family and had turned up at the hospital when he heard she'd given birth to Joel, the story goes he took one look at Joel all bundled up and whipped out his checkbook to pay the whole hospital bill.
Joel parked his forklift at the charging dock and picked up one of the many neon painted scooters from a rack near the water cooler then zipped across the warehouse to the time clock.
He scanned his pinky finger as his other two registered digests had gotten pinched under an empty pallet earlier in the shift. Nothing his First Aid Merit Badge hadn't prepared him for.
He gathered his personal effects from his locker into his backpack. He then turned in his ID card and helmet (with a few bonus comic book stickers) and collected his last paycheck.
He was walking out the door blinded by the rising sun when he heard a roaring engine fast approaching. A familiar head of gray hair waved in the wind as Uncle Al expertly drifted to parallel park in front of him in a cherry red '68 Stingray convertible.
His role model for aging gracefully took off his aviator sunglasses and called out, "Toss your bag in the back seat birthday boy I brought you breakfast. You can eat it on the way."
His uncle was wearing a pure white suit with a tie that seemed to be made out of snake leather. Joel teasingly pointed to it and said "What did you slay a dragon for you're midlife crisis and buy the car with the hoard?"
His uncle handed him a brown paper bag filled with breakfast burritos and chuckled before replying, "You know as well as I that True Dragons are endangered, no I got this from my most recent trip to the everglades. I hunted a twenty foot boa for this beauty. Though I swear it likes to tighten up on me." Al made exaggerated strangling sounds before continuing" They're an invasive species that's taking out a lot of the local birds. I had enough from this beasties pelt to make you a bonus present."
He reached behind him and pulled out a polka dotted gift bag. Inside were a pair of boa leather cowboy boots. Al waved his hand impatiently "Pull off those steel toed monstrosities and sink your piggies into comfort. I made them myself. After all waste... "
Joel picked up and finished "...disrespects the creature we killed. Don't tell me you ate twenty feet of python".
Al looked at him deadpan and said simply "Nope," before pulling another brown paper bag from behind him "care for some jerky?" He winked and wagged his overgrown gray eyebrows in a way that never failed to elicit a laugh from his great nephew.
As Joel stored away his work boots and slid into the well crafted alternatives he sighed in content before grabbing a stick of snake jerky as an appetizer to his breakfast. He still had plenty of room after the cupcake he'd wolfed down earlier. As Joel stuffed his face Al put the classic car into gear and roared out of the parking lot earning some wolf whistles of jealousy from some of the morning shift as they rolled by.
Al mused aloud, "You know kid, one of the many secrets to living a long life is delay your midlife crisis as long as possible. Delay having it till you're financially stable and delay ending it until you don't have enough pep to wake up and grab Life by the horns, which she has mind you... Ah made the best lemonade I've ever had , wait where was I? Ah yes you've become a man and must learn to find your path in life. This world has forgotten about things like chivalry, innate respect for all peoples, and earned respect. That's why I'm taking you to college out of this world, you'll fit right in at Dungeon Heart University. They get foreign exchange students from Earth every decade or so. Mostly washed in from the Bermuda triangle or scouted by a vacationing Planar Elf but I digress."
By this point Al had pulled off the highway and was approaching the roundabout that connected to the Interstate. He continued as Joel just nodded along with the rant and ate the burritos which turned out were divine.
"Even though I'm on the School Board I'll be away on another expedition so there won't be any claims of bias. Though if there's any real trouble all you need to do is poke yourself on the fountain pen in the glove box. Which turns out to be bonus present number two."
He nodded his head to the glove compartment and Joel opened it to find a white capped pen with a thin golden chain connecting the cap to the base to prevent it getting lost. Joel lifted it out and felt a satisfying weight, it seemed the outer barrel was made from thinly carved marble. The clip seemed to be made from a blood red metal. Joel whistled at the extravagance before carefully giving his uncle a one armed hug.
He then noticed they had been just looping around the roundabout for the past few minutes. As they circled once more the sun began to blind Joel once more but he saw his uncle grab a small jade pendant from his jacket's breast pocket and hold it up to block the light.
Suddenly Joel felt the snake jerky begin to slither back up as the colors of their surroundings began to melt and swirl together. With a screech of rubber Al grabbed the hand break and jerked the wheel sending them into a sliding drift.
When Joel finished praying to all the gods he could recall he opened his eyes and saw they were parked in front of a massive ornate bronze fence with mythical creatures expertly sculpted into it. The beast's eyes were sparkling gemstones yet they seemed to glare down in silent judgment at their entrance.
A clopping of hooves was heard as a gatekeeper astride a pitch black horse charged out from the gatehouse. He roared "Albert son of Erik you will respect the cobblestones or you will clean them of your foul rubber with your tongue!" He trotted circles around the car angrily. The guard wore a loose green robe with gold thread embroidered carrots.
As he passed the trunk of the car Joel got a good look at him through the side mirror. He wasn't riding a horse, he was part horse. A centaur.
His flowing robes continued onto his horse half like a riding blanket. Black steel horseshoes adorned each hoof and his tail was finely braided like his jet black hair and beard. The pure black horse half quivered slightly in frustration when he couldn't find the suspected skid marks.
Al piped up casually, "Good to see you too Haph Tsu-long, I've been practicing since my last visit and left the marks on the homeward side of the portal. If you let my nephew get registered and checked in there's a bag of peppermint sticks in it for you."
He waved to the glove box again and Joel fished out the mentioned bag from behind a stack of maps. He handed it to his uncle who waved it tauntingly under the Gatekeepers hooked nose. The surly guard broke out into a grin "You always did offer the most unconventional bribes. What was it you offered that spider-folk librarian to let you graduate?"
Al gave an over dramatic sigh "One thousand honeyed flies caught intact. Really they shouldn't threaten to fail someone for one misplaced scroll. It turned up after I cleaned my residence, I just forgot to check on the shoe rack."
He face palmed in frustration at the memory.
"Besides bribing with snacks tends to destroy the evidence." He elbowed his nephew as if that was another bit of sage wisdom." Well lad, grab your things and hop on out. Packed up your apartment for you. I'm taking over your lease until you get back, I'll be researching something called Trolls of the Net for the next few years. Your room and board is paid for and you're on the basic meal plan.
You'll have to pick up a profession to get any spending money and save for next semester, you can also try to earn a scholarship from one of the many crafting or combat tournaments held throughout the semester. Have fun and show them what our family is made of, just not literally. I know broke college students are often tempted to sign up for paid medical studies and science experiments.
The centaur Mr. Haph has already started chewing on a peppermint stick like a fine cigar while Joel grabbed his two bags: his leather backpack and gift bag along with his other shoes.
His uncle blew them both a kiss as he sped off into a tunnel of psychedelic colors.
Haph chuffed at the display and guided Joel back through the gatehouse. Having been raised in an environment that encouraged the asking of questions Joel asked. "Why don't we go through the gate itself?"
The guard stopped in place and snorted before turning his human head to chuckle
"Young Master must have lead a sheltered upbringing if the does not yet know that Dungeon Heart University only opens its gates for two reasons. The mourning an Esteemed Alumni or to head into War.
The last death of an Esteemed Alumni was last winter. Crowds flocked from neighboring kingdom's to pay their respects and the ceremony lasted three days.
The University has only been at war twice. Both engagements lasted less than a fortnight."
He beckoned Joel closer and put a hand adorned with several rings to his mouth in a conspiratorial whisper. "Some say the ghosts of our fallen foes are forced to guard the graves of our honored dead. You may hear their moaning in the wind late at night as they pick weeds with their teeth and water the flowers with their tears. Whatever the truth is our cemetery grounds are always immaculate. Though that could be because the University grounds keeper is a dryad or tree nymph as you may have heard them referred to. She's also my wife so if I ever catch you digging in the compost pile for fishing worms or whatever excuse your uncle used to spy on her while she was communing with her Soul Tree, I'll hang you from the gates by your small clothes.
Now come along, hop trot."
His face was mere inches from Joel's as the centaur stooped to pronounce his warning. Joel was grateful his uncle gave him mints as his breath still had undertones if stale hay. Joel followed beside his towering guide and they exited the winding lantern lit gatehouse corridors to behold a sprawling campus that wouldn't be out of place in a martial arts film. It seemed the whole territory was a set around a rolling set of four massive hills each higher than the last like the exposed back of a gigantic sea dragon.
The centaur tour guide wore a manure eating grin at Joe's slack jawed expression that was increased after noticing his Earth clothes had been replaced. His previous Greystone Guild graphic tee and blue jeans were replaced with storm gray robes with black edges.
The grinning Haph cleared his throat with a whinny, "When you are done gaping at my wife's splendid handiwork on the scenery, the incense is burning and we still need to get you registered. Speed it up to a canter if you can."
The proud gatekeeper sped away on a stone path to the left leaving Joel to jog after.
They wandered past some meditating students sitting in circles around a small bonsai tree that seemed to be writing on a chalkboard. They passed a high stone wall with a sign that said Sparring Grounds: The Only Place to Fight Outside of Classes.
Joel heard the muffled clash of metal on metal as well as the grunts of exertion and impacts by the brawlers inside. His guide stopped and turned, "Should you get into a dispute with a fellow student you can settle things with a Formal Dual. The challenged may select either Combat, Supporting Occupation, or Quiz format.
A judge will then be assigned to witness and mediate the discussion until agreeable terms can be met. We can have a lamia challenge a merfolk to plumb picking after all. Any combat or acts of vengeance outside of these Formal Duals is strictly forbidden and will be thoroughly investigated. You'll do well to never be part of an Official Investigation during your time here."
Haph turned abruptly and whipped his tail expertly killing a bothersome fly in the process. He waved Joel on to follow once again.
They soon rounded the corner from the Sparring Grounds and arrived at what looked to be a five story hospital. A banner by the door read: First Year Admission Exams Inside. Haph wiped his hooves thoroughly on the entrance mat before gesturing toward a shelf of vases at various heights. He stuck his hands one at a time time inside one from the second to highest shelf.
Joel then realized that all of the doorways and ceilings were so far were a solid twelve feet in height. This must be to accommodate all the various sentient races. He recalled an adult minotaur could reach nine feet in height counting the horns.
Joel wiped his new boots that had thankfully remained after the magical wardrobe exchange and followed Haph's example with a vase on a lower shelf. It seemed to be filled with hundreds of small beads of copper and silver. He theorized it killed germs with less chance of creating super bugs.
He carefully pulled his hands out trying not to scatter any beads, ye he noticed a few on the floor around him.
Nodding in approval Haph beckoned Joel to go in front of him and approach a high desk area. "I'll leave you in the capable claws of Madam Gooshwrath here. Should you ever be tasked with the punishment of polishing the gates I will be the one overseeing, though let's hope you are less prone to hijinks than your uncle." He winked awkwardly and shot finger crossbows before sauntering off. Leaving Joel alone next to the many tiered desks.