Di Xueyan's self hatred is so intense that it seems like it burns the whole place down. The nothingness feels like an illusion as she can feel the intense invisible wave enveloping her whole.
She remembers the hate. She remembers how she wants to cease breathing. But she can't remember why, making it more suffocating.
She is already resigning herself to fate, as if giving herself up to this seemingly pleasurable state....as if succumbing to this place will give her more peace, freeing all the heaviness that weighs her down.
While shutting herself little by little, the cracks of the poor crystal life jade in their estate is multiplying, as if just a little poke of a finger can totally breaks it into pieces.
She doesn't take her first setback well...
Just a little bit, and her soul would have had disappeared from the living world...
But she felt a faint warmth amidst the chaos that makes her halt for a little bit.
A gentle and familiar warmth that she can't understand, but despite the turbid air, that little warmth still makes her stop for a little.
But not entirely.
She searches for that warmth all around the seemingly endless abyss, but all she sees is darkness. Not until a little faint blue light flickers a little bit away from her.
'Yan yan'
An eerie warm low voice whispered in her ears. It sounded so near yet so far.
The familiar voice makes her halt instantly, the turbid wind that encloses her immediately stopped. If she just had a physical body, a tear would've escaped from her eyes.
' So familiar.... Very familiar', she keeps chanting in her head while she seems frozen. The once chaotic scene became peaceful in an instant. Whatever she felt earlier instantly vanished, only the confusing familiarity of the light is the line of focus of her thoughts right now.
' Yan yan, we love you! ', another voice sounded, this time, it is more cheerful than the first one.... As if the speaker is acting like a child.
' Ah Yan, are you trying to kill yourself so that you can be my bride in the afterlife?', a seductive voice whispered in her ears, it sounds very enticing but the sarcasm dripping in his words is very apparent.
'If so, I won't accept you. Who would accept a quiter?', the seductive voice continued but his voice turned serious at his last words.
Di Xueyan can't help but to muffle a sob ecen if she can't. The narrative is just so familiar that a flash of memory crosses her mind but she just can't hold onto it even for a little bit.
' Moron, we are here to convince her, not to hurt her with your words even furthur', a scolding voice answered for her.
'Truth hurts', the same seductive voice retorted.
The voices continued bickering while Di Xueyan seems to savor this warm moment even if she can't remember anything.... Because it seems like... It would be the last.
The thought broke her heart even more. If she just had a body right now, she would've been a sobbing mess.
The faint blue light is fliclering while the voices are talking. Di Xueyan tried very hard to close their distance. But no matter how near she seems to be, she just can't reach light that she wants to hold...
'For the last time', the thought involuntarily crosses her mind but sha decided to wave it away...
Because it hurts...
It hurts more than the resentment and hate she felt much earlier...
It will make her wants to tear herself down into pieces....
But she has to hold that faint light no matter what. So she must not give up.
'Ah Yan dear, I apologize for their childishness. You know that they were already like this even before',a helpless gentle voice whispered in her ears, instantly, a man in white robe flashed in her mind but instantly vanished.
It makes her more desperate. She desperately wants to hug that little light. She desperately wants it to be with her right now.
She is crying desperately in her mind. Calling for names that she can't even remember.
She never noticed that her thoughts of self destruction earlier was diverted by her desperation to hold onto that faint blue light.
So she continuously moves forward, trying her very best to reach the light that sparks her hope to live.
' Ah Yan, please live a good life, allright?,' the cheerful voice once again whispered in her ears.
' Smile like you always do, hmm? Face the world with your brilliant smile', a pained voice seems to lul her like a precious treasure.
If that voice would've known the result of his wish, he would surely pray to however God there is in heaven to turn back time so that he can retract it.
'Ah Yan, always remember that we never regretted meeting you. You filled our centuries of loneliness with your brilliant existence. We were so happy to have ever met you in this lifetime, Ah Yan', another gentle voice whispered in her ears. Making her cry harder in her mind.
She then suddenly remembers...
Their sacrifices to keep her alive...
Their untimely death because of her....
Their last scene together flashes in her mind as if a merciless torture tool, drilling her insides painfully.
If they have never met in this lifetime, would they still be alive right now?
No wonder she had a great passion to destroy herself earlier.
She caused the death of the people she wants to protect...
She failed them.
Burst and burst of pain assaulted her heart that even her consciousness finds it hard to breath. The feeling is way intense than the resentment and hate she she almost succumbed to earlier.
The faint blue light seems to feel the turmoil inside her, but they want her to overcome herself.
They want her to realize that the everyone's most dangerous enemy... Has always been themselves.
So they stay put and observe. But they can't help but to shake their imaginary heads when they saw that she is still wallowing in self blame.
But they have to understand because she was not born and raised in this cruel and brutal cultivation world. Knowing her identity and her parents' real story, they knew that she grew up as an ordinary folk with an ordinary peaceful life. It would be a miracle if after what happened, she would be able to pass through it with ease because she understands that people come and go.
Her mind is not strong enough to handle the loss of her loved ones.
After all, she grew up without losing one to the hands of death.
Without losing one forever....
' Ah Yan, please live on. Even if you can't already bear to live for yourself, then live for all of us. Live for the memories that we have made all this years. Live for all the laughters and tears that we all experienced. Live for the friendship that we all cherish. Live for the hardships that we went through, and never let it went down to the drain. Live with all of those, until you will learn how to live for yourself again', Sima Liuwen's voice boomed in her mind. Now that she remembers them, their voice became more painful but pleasant to hear.
She thought about what they all said. They want her to press on. They want her to live her life. Who is she to destroy herself when they died for the very life she is trying to tear right now?
'Promise us, Di Xueyan. Swear to us that you will never throw away your life carelessly again', Wu Xian's serious voice reverberated her mind.
She stares at the faint light a few meter away from her. Knowing them now, she can not only see the light, but all their faint serious faces is now on display.
She memorized those faces in her mind together with their memories, trying very hard to immortalize their existence.
"I promise", 'I promise I will live and will work hard to avenge you', she said but never dared to say the last sentence out loud, knowing that they want her to live peacefully.
What she doesn't know is that the souls in front of her already know her intentions, and they didn't want to stop her if it means her continuous growth. They trust and believe that she will be able to avenge them in no time. Besides, she will never move one once she can not empty the burdens in her mind anyway.
" Can I hug you for the last time?", Di Xueyan's voice cracks as she tries to move forward.
'Of course', Liuwen's voice echoes in her ears making her dim mood instantly lightens. She moves her conciousness towards the light desperately but she still can't reach it. It seems so near yet so far. But she did not gave up. She continuously swims through the dark abyss around her and chased at the smiling faces in the light of her deceased friend that she knows she will never meet again.
She chase it for a long while but she still can't reach them, making her very desperate that she can already feel her physical body crying somewhere. She chases it until a sudden click reverberates across the void and a blinding light huts her eyes. For the last time, she was able to feel their warm embrace.
' We never regretted meeting you, Ah Yan', a collective voice echoes in her mind before her eyes opened and tears sprang in an instant. Her conciousness left the void, together with the hope that they are still alive. She muffled a sob as she stare at the uneven stone formations above her. Sudden grief assaulted her senses, making her forget the unbearable itch and pain of her throat or entertain the question as to where she is.
She cries hard as if she never cried that way before.
" I'm sorry, I am so sorry", she repeteadly whispered in a small hoarse voice, not minding the ache in her throat nor her body, as tears continuously fell from her unfocused eyes.
She hopes that this is all a dream. That whatever happened right now was just a nightmare. She raises her right hand to wipe the tears in her eyes when the black veins of her hands assaulted her vision like a curse, making her heart break into pieces again and her hopes shattered.
The black veins occupying half of her amrs, spreading from the hands to the half of her arms, is a constant reminder that precious lives were exstinguished in exchange of hers.
A slap that signifies that she is not strong enough to protect the people around her.
She stares at the black veins in her arms, swearing to the gods that she will never erase it until she destroys the people who destroyed her friends. Her right hand involuntarily clenched as waves of pain attacked her body, but she is not in the right mind to notice it.
All she can ever think is to get stronger. To avenge them....
Di Xueyan's train of thoughts was stopped when she heard footsteps coming her way. She continued lying on the cold hard ground as she moves her head to the right side to look at the approaching figure. Her unfocused eyes stares at the red - clad blurred lady a few meters away from her, not even caring that her life might be in danger.
----
In the other side of the world, the faint blue light that entered and brought light to the void for the first time slowly vanished.
Di Xueyan's mother, Feng Huali, would have never in a million years thought that her simple call of Sima Liuwen's soul also called the remaining souls of the guardians of the night forest.
She only called the Sima boy as she knows that he is powerful enough to deflect the after effects of the spell. Of course, coming down to the void was Sima Liuwen's decision, as Feng Huali only explained her daughter's situation briefly to him in the Realm of Cycle as she is not really authorized to do that in the first place. In fact, what she did was a forbidden act.
Calling a soul that was ready to reincarnate is an atrocity, that both Feng Huali and Sima Liuwen wouldn't mind. They never gave a fuck about the heavens in the first place.
This act made the least powerful member of the group's soul to almost vanish. The other soul did their best to give some of their life force to him, but it only made him barely complete.
Their act of helping Di Xueyan out of her predicament endangers their souls, but they never mind. They already knew this consequence before forcing Sima Liuwen to bring them along, as they would not want their little light to join them in that wretched place aka Realm of Cycle. This forbidden act almost made some of them unable to reincarnate forever.
Such, maybe, is the power of friendship....
And the power of bond that will be engraved in legends, forever.
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A/N: Hehehehhehe, hi! Ahahahahaahhahh. I resurrected from the place called 'paperworks and laziness', that is why I am able to write this chapter today. Kidding Ahahahah.
Anyway, I apologize, again, for the lack of chapters these weeks. I've been freakin sickly this entire two months that weeks seems to cry if they will not throw me atleast one sickness. Fucked up, right? Anyway, I can't promise that I will update as soon as possible, but I will definitely write during my spare time.
Enjoy reading!!!!