SAUDADE. "A nostalgic feeling to be near again to someone or something distant, or that one has loved and then lost; the love that remains."
***
At a far distance, Maha can see the dominant orange hue surrounding the white circle of light. This is the evening skyline Maha stares at every day. No matter how many months had passed, her heart still longed for Amir.
How is he now? Just a glimpse of him. That's all she wanted, and she'd be happy. Even just from afar. She couldn't cry. Tristan made her promise she'll never cry for their baby again.
"Amir, I love you and I miss you," Maha whispered.
What reason can she give Tristan to visit Farah? She longed to see Farah. Only with her can Maha be true to herself. Only she knew of her beloved Amir.
"Honey, let's go to bed. Tell me when you are ready for another try. But while you are still grieving for our first one, I don't want to force you. Besides, I don't think this is the best time. We have a lot on our plates at the moment," Tristan said as he hugged her from behind and kissed her left cheek.
"I'm not in a hurry. And I don't think I'm ready to be pregnant again. Besides, it's not the right time, as you said. Can I perhaps go to town any time within this week? Even just for a day," she asked.
"Sure, do you need Taher?" he asked.
"No, I just want to relax. Will it be okay? I don't need a bodyguard." She said.
"You may. Be back in the evening. Be safe," Tristan said.
"I will," she replied.
She'll see Farah and spend the entire day with her.
***
Maha had reached Farah's place and was about to knock when Farah opened her door.
"Farah, it's me," Maha said.
"Maha! oh, my! Please, please, come in," Farah said.
They hugged. Maha kissed her on the cheek.
"Been a long time. I think of you and Amir once in a while," Farah said.
"I've been wanting to visit you, but it's difficult," Maha said.
They've talked about other things when Maha suddenly teared up and told Farah that she's missing Amir so much. That there were days when she would just want to cry aloud; as if her heart would almost break. It was then that Farah remembered the newspaper she kept.
"Wait, I have something to show you. I got this at a grocery when this man left it because he got a lot on his arms. He must have come from there."
When Maha unfolded the paper, she saw the three people in the photo. An older man carried a baby while his other hand was on a woman's shoulder. She read the caption below. Al Abdallah, they could be Jamil's parents. She pressed the newspaper to her chest, the photo of Amir on her heart, and then her tears flowed. Yes, it's my beloved Amir. Then she sobbed.
"Farah, yes, it's our Amir," Maha said as her tears flowed.
"He's grown. How I wish I could hold him. Farah, can I have this?" Maha asked.
"Yes, you may. I kept it for you, hoping to show you if we'll ever meet again. I'm so glad you came. Amir is happy, Maha. They love him. For sure, he'll grow up fine," Farah said.
Maha took that page from the newspaper and folded it nicely to fit her wallet. She wondered where she can put it safely.
Farah asked Maha if she needed money. Maha said not yet, but she has something in mind she wanted to do. She told Farah she'd like to visit her friend in the villa opposite the Al Abdallah's. But that is if the owners will let her stay there. She'd like to call her friend who still works in that villa. Even just for a day or two. She wanted to see Amir even just from the window where she used to steal a glance at Jamil before. If she will have the chance to travel to Dubai, she'll let her know. She might need her help one day.
It was late afternoon when Maha bid her goodbye. She had to return before it gets dark. She knew Tristan will worry for her safety.
***
On her way, she called her friend, Tanya, in that villa.
"Maha! it's been a long time! Where are you?" Tanya asked.
"I found work in this place, but I'll be going home soon. Is it okay to stay with you if ever I come to Dubai?" Maha asked.
"The owners are going for a month's vacation outside the country next week. It will be just the three of us in the villa and my co-workers know you, but I will still have to ask them if it's okay. I will text you as soon as we've talked about your plan," Tanya said.
Maha thanked her. But her biggest problem is how will she tell Tristan? Unless there is a reason for her to go to Dubai that is related to any mission in the organization. She will have to lie to Tristan.
***
One night, as she and Tristan were having a glass of wine on the terrace of his barracks, she asked if she might go home. Even just for three days. Tristan understood. Since her return after losing the baby, Maha had always been very lonely. She had cried so hard. It was indeed very hard to lose a child, and he knew that feeling. It took him for a while too with his first children from his marriage. And only now had he learned to love again. It hurt him too that they lost their child. But between them, she's hurting a lot more.
"When do you plan to leave?" Tristan asked.
"Next week perhaps, I'll let you know," Maha said.
"Okay, it might do you good," he replied.
***
When Tanya texted her, she told her she could stay with them for a maximum of one week during that certain period. She immediately called Farah to meet with her in town and asked her to withdraw a certain amount. That will pay for her airfare and expenses during her stay in Dubai.
She told Tristan when she intended to leave and asked not to worry about her. She can take care of herself and needed no help from Taher or anyone. She'll go to the airport alone, she said.
***
Maha called Tanya as soon as she reached Dubai airport. She said she'll take a cab to bring her to the villa. Tanya was excited. She'll be waiting for her as soon as she neared the villa; she said. Indeed, Tanya and her two co-workers, who Maha knew as well, welcomed her. They spent the night talking and catching up on what had happened to her, why she wasn't able to return to them. Maha had to weave a story. She can't tell them she works for an organization.
She stayed in the same room she had used before and was grateful. From the window in that room, she can see the grounds of the opposite villa. Maybe she'll see Amir from the window, she said.
Maha woke up very early the next morning. She volunteered to take the trash outside every day and to sweep the front lawn too. She saw two cars leave that morning from the opposite villa. Although she couldn't see the drivers inside because they're tinted, she guessed it could be the father and the brother of Jamil. Maybe Jamil doesn't live in the villa, she said. She went outside to throw the garbage in the big trash bin by the roadside.
She wore a long dress and had to wear a hijab to cover her face all the time. Jamil shouldn't see her at all. She wanted to see Amir, even from afar. But if she can hold Amir, if she could do that, even just for once, that would suffice. She took long to sweep the front lawn, including the front of the gate. She was about to go inside when she saw the woman with the baby on the front lawn of the other villa. They didn't close the gate of the villa yet on the other side. The woman looked at her. She waved. So, she takes the baby outside for the morning sun. How she wishes that the woman will take the baby her way, Maha thought. Maha was about to approach her when she heard the woman greet someone.
"Amir, say bye to daddy," Daisy said as she held Amir's little hand and shook it to wave. She turned her head to take a quick look at the man who approached her. It's Jamil. So, he's here. And he saw Jamil kiss Amir. Maha's eyes misted. How she wanted to hug them both. She turned her back to them. Her tears fell. She's blessed if she lives this kind of normal life. Where she could see her husband off to work with their baby.
She'll wait. Jamil will soon leave. She'll approach the woman before they close the gate. No wonder they left the gate open. Jamil hasn't left yet. But as soon as Jamil leaves, they will close the gate and she won't see Amir anymore.
When Jamil drove past her, she waited until he took the right turn and was out of her vision. She waved once again at the woman carrying the baby. She's coming her way, Maha thought.
"Hi! I'm Maha," she said.
"Daisy and this is our little angel, Amir," Daisy said.
So, Jamil did not change his name. Thanks, Jamil, she thought.
"Hi, Amir," Maha said as she tried to hold the baby's little hand. While the baby's other hand was on his mouth, drooling on it.
"How old is he?" she asked Daisy just to start some small talk.
"Over five months? If I am not mistaken," Daisy replied.
"Is that the baby's father? Is the wife inside?" Maha asked.
"Oh, Sir Jamil, yes, he is the father. No, he's not married yet. They're engaged, though. Maybe next year. Ms. Yasmin will just finish her contract with her company," Daisy said.
"Do you take the baby outside for the morning sun every day?" Maha asked.
"Yes, I do. Sometimes, his grandma does. Jamil's mother. This little angel is very lucky. Everyone loves him. He has so many people taking care of him," Daisy said.
Maha tried to hold her tears. She wanted to cry.
"See you tomorrow again, Daisy. I'm happy to have met you and Amir," Maha said.
"Nice to have met you too," Daisy replied.
Maha went inside and closed the gate fast. She's on the verge of tears. Maha knew she'd soon cry in front of Daisy. She's happy to hear that everyone loves her Amir. She was right to have left the baby with Jamil, and she was not regretting it.
This is her first day of vacation. She has three days. She hoped to carry Amir one of these days. Maha had wanted so much to kiss him a while ago, but it might not be right. Daisy might not want her near Amir anymore if she'd done that. A stranger kissing someone's child. But maybe tomorrow or the next, she can kiss him.
Maha went inside to find Tanya preparing their breakfast. She asked Tanya if she knew Daisy and the little boy, Amir. She said she does. And that she planned to invite Daisy the next day when she will celebrate her birthday. That will be the day she will return in the evening to Libya.
"Really? Invite her. Let's cook for your birthday. That will be my present. I'll buy everything we will need. Ask her to bring Amir," Maha said excitedly.
"You promise? Okay. I will invite Daisy," Tanya squealed. Happy that she will not have to spend money, especially as she wants to send some money to her mother.
The next morning, however, Maha saw it wasn't Daisy holding the baby outside. That's the woman in the newspaper, she thought. Jamil's mother. There'll be no chance for her to see Amir at a closer distance this day. She hoped Daisy will come for Tanya's birthday celebration and bring Amir. That's her only hope now, to see Amir up close. She'll be leaving in the evening tomorrow. Meantime, she'll go to the wet market and the supermarket with Tanya today and buy the ingredients they will need for the cooking.
The following morning Maha woke up early, hoping to see Daisy once again with Amir for the baby's morning sunbathing, but she didn't come out yet. And none of the cars had left yet, too. They're all still inside, including Jamil.
"Maha, come let's have breakfast. We'll start preparing the ingredients right after," Tanya said as she knocked on her door.
"Okay, I'll just have a quick shower," Maha replied.
Maha helped Tanya clean the house, water the plants, and cook for their lunch while preparing all the ingredients for their birthday recipes. It was a busy day for them, but Maha was excitedly looking forward to seeing Amir that afternoon. She saw the three cars left later that day. That means they left only the household help with Amir. She even heard Layla's voice and an older woman's voice before the last car closed.
"Has Daisy confirmed she'll come today?" Maha asked Tanya.
"Yes, she did. She said that everyone in the family will be out. Jamil's mother and father, with Layla, will see her doctor for her check-up and the two brothers will go to work," Tanya said.
Tanya asked Maha why she hadn't married yet. Maha smiled weakly. She's busy with work, she said. And she's not so keen yet on getting married. But she has a boyfriend and maybe she'd let it stay that way. Maybe someday, she said.
It was past 3 p.m. when Tanya went to the other villa and shared some of her birthday food with the household help. They thanked her. But Tanya asked Daisy to go to their villa with Amir. She did. Maha was so excited when she saw Daisy with Amir. She insisted on Daisy taking a plate and joining the others on the table. Meantime, she offered to hold the baby for her while she eats with Tanya and the others. Daisy thanked her.
The moment Maha held Amir, her tears flowed. She excused herself, saying she'd take Amir to the garden with her. Maha cried silently as she held Amir tight and kissed him many times. She kept telling him how much she had missed him. That she loves him so much but can't keep him with her. Maha asked Amir to forgive her for not taking care of him. That she had to leave him with his dad for a better life than what she could give him.
She will have to leave at around 6 p.m. and she hoped to hold Amir during these less than three hours while Daisy celebrates with the others. She was debating whether to take a picture of herself and Amir with her phone. But she will have to hide that from Tristan. Or, if it ever gets discovered, she could say he is a friend's son. Maha took their photo.
The entire time she hasn't stopped kissing Amir all over, his feet, legs, chest, arms, hands, and face. If Maha could leave Amir's scent on her for the rest of her life, she would like that. Throughout this time, she held Amir tightly to her and kept talking to him, hoping he will remember her voice.
Maha had been ready before Tanya went to the other villa to fetch Daisy and Amir. She had changed into her travel clothes, put on her very pale lipstick and eyeshadow, and spritz on her usual old perfume while all the time wearing her hijab. Maha wouldn't want to take time off to change later on. Maha would want all the time she could have to spend with Amir until Daisy will take him back and she had to leave for the airport.
When it was time for Daisy to leave, she took Amir from Maha, thanked her for looking after Amir, but Maha was quick to say she was more than happy to hold him. Maha walked with Daisy to the gate of the Al Abdallah villa. They were waving their goodbyes when Jamil's car arrived. Maha pivoted and went back inside the other villa, closing the gate fast. She had to leave for the airport now; she said. Maha asked Tanya to book a cab to take her to the airport. It didn't take long for the cab driver to arrive; they said their goodbyes, and she took off.
As soon as Jamil got out of his car, he took Amir from Daisy, carried him inside the house and into Amir's room. Before he put Amir down in his crib, he kissed him.
Momentarily, he thought there's something different. The scent of Amir today seemed familiar, he thought.
He smelled Amir's other cheek, his chest, and all over him. Why is Amir's scent different today? He wondered. Where did he first smell that perfume scent? It seems familiar.
Daisy came into the room with a bottle of Amir's milk. He asked Daisy, who held Amir during the day aside from her. Daisy told Jamil that they invited her to the other villa for Tanya's birthday celebration and Tanya's friend, Maha, had offered to hold Jamil for her. He said nothing.
He was taking a shower in his room upstairs when he suddenly remembered. Amara! that was Amara's scent! Was Amara in the other villa today? He quickly shut off the shower valve, wiped himself off, and changed.
"Daisy, could you check if Tanya's friend is still in the other villa?" he asked her.
"I knew she was leaving for the airport at 6 p.m. She could have left for the airport by now," Daisy replied. "But I will ask Tanya," Daisy said as she moved out of the house and towards the other villa.
"She has left. She's going home," Tanya replied.
"Thank you and thanks again for the invite," Daisy said as she waved Tanya goodbye.
Daisy told Jamil that Maha has left for the airport and that she was flying home to Manila.
He wished she hadn't yet. It would have been his chance to know the answers to his questions.