"Thank you, dear for your offer, but if I allow them to do it once, they'll just try to take advantage of you more and more until we are caught. I would rather you did not." Bav and I , have been discussing how to go about handling the issues I was having with the cogs. They now knew he imported Tungsten and were demanding I find a way to get some for their own smelter. Bav did not care and offered it willingly, but I kept refusing. The Cogs were becoming too greedy and impatient with me about this and I knew that I needed to figure something out.
I had explained to them how precise the officials checked and weighed everything to match the paperwork on both sides. There was no squeezing a piece out of a crate or adding extra to take off once the ore was here. The only thing saving my hide from receiving a brutal whipping or as they call it a 'lesson on loyalty', was the fact that I was their ticket into the Gilded district. Anything happens to me or Bav, they know that they will have to work harder. Even with Mr. Wellsew getting his foot in the door to make clothes for the residents of the Gilded district, the amount needed to purchase a shop in the Gilded district would take years of selling to them first.
"I think I may have an idea." Bav snaps his fingers and goes over a few stipulations in his contract with the government.
"Bav, you are too good to me. You don't need to put yourself at risk for this. To get caught, it's a prison sentence, no one comes back from a prison sentence the same, if they do. I can't let you risk it." I warn him, but it seems to fall on deaf ears.
"Says the woman, who not only risks the same punishment from her government but also risks being whipped nearly to death for not being up to the bar with what the organization of Cogs define as loyal? I want to go down there and give them a piece of my mind about it all, anyways. Threats do not say to me that they want a better life for everyone, only the ones that are forced into obedience, deserve that better life, at least with that way of thinking. Tell me again what does the Cogs use the Tungsten for?"
"We don't use it like you think. Rich scientists, can't get their hands on enough of it, legally for their experiments, so they came to us with an offer. That money makes enough to help propel a large portion of the organization to move forward, making a respectable name for ourselves as individuals and moving up the societal chain."
"What happens when you've moved up the societal chain?"
"We get people into offices of the government and start making some changes for everyone to live better. Most of us, we all lived in the slums of the Undercarriage. We know how hard it is to just live down there. How the wages are poor, the quality of everything is poor, despair and hunger is the miasma that everyone breathes in while there. There is plenty of wealth that can be used to help improve the lives of others." I inform him of our end goal.
Bav sighs, "You know it's not that I don't approve of the goal, but I doubt with the mindset that they must punish those who are not up to their standards of 'loyal' that it will bring the end result forward. The only civilization that can live peacefully equally, are the ones that are part of a collective or hive mind. They all work towards the same goal, share equally, and live a content life without worry on issues like food, shelter, and money. Here's the problem though with this collective body of beings. There is no individuality, no love, no family, they know nothing of those things. They are mindless, lacking self consciousness and desires." Bav wraps an arm around my waist and holds me close.
"I do not want you to think I am putting your ideal in an unfavorable way, my love. I respect the desire to have no one go hungry or be without, I do. However, from my personal knowledge and exploration of worlds, I've come to a conclusion.There is no perfect society, no utopia of individuals, where no one goes without the basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter. Some one will always want more or have a difference of opinion that they will use to their advantage. It's commendable, but to think you can achieve one of these idealistic utopias by forcing others to comply, manipulating the law to force compulsion, and punishing those who refuse, well it is not only naive and hubristic, but totalitarian and cruel at it's core."
He stuns me into silence, as I reflect on what he just mentions to me. My thoughts are becoming chaotic and I feel overwhelmed and defensive. I pull away from him and cross my arms.
"So what we are to just deal with what we've been dealt and not try to change things at all?"
His eyes widen and he shakes his head, waving his hands in front of him, "No, I did not mean that you should not try to change things. Just that this utopian goal, will never last, if it ever is reached. Chaos will eventually occur and everything starts over again from the beginning. Individuals are selfish, even if they attempt to not be, eventually selfishness takes the stage. On earth, they believe in these places that you go to after you die, called heaven and hell. Think of heaven as the gilded district but everyone is able to live well, and hell is the undercarriage, just filled with more horrors and nightmarish things and experiences."
That thought makes me shiver, " What does that have to do with anything?"
Bav steps forward and takes me back into his arms, "Earth has a saying, 'The road to hell, is paved with good intentions. The road to heaven is full of good works.' It highlights that having good intentions is fine when working toward something, but they alone are not enough to make our actions moral, that we will always justify our actions to ourselves no matter the situation. It's how we live with ourselves when we know we do something wrong and immoral."
His voice fades off in thought, leaving me to my own as well. Maybe he's right, that this outcome that the Cogs are working towards, is a grand delusion that will never be achieved.
"My analysis of the situation I have worked myself into is rather unpleasant. I was enchanted by the promises of a better life for myself and others. I felt like my life had a bigger meaning than surviving with the Cogs. I was infected with that same hubris that made me feel like I was working towards a noble cause. In truth, I am just a naive tool." I feel ashamed, but Bav just hugs me tighter and kisses my neck.
"Don't beat your self up, it's not all done in vain. You've helped peoples lives improve by giving them a job that pays a fair living wage to those willing and wanting to work. That's better than nothing right?"
I giggle as his breath tickles my neck, "I suppose you are right. I just don't know how long I can go with the Cogs holding anything above my head. They have been like a family to me in a way, as long as I am making profits and continuing to advance their ideals and goals, the second I have a moral reservation though...." I sigh, feeling overwhelmed again.
"Do not cause your self distress, I will figure something out. Speaking of figuring out things, have you decided when you may visit, Mrs. Thorn again?"
I remove myself from his arms and take a seat on the chaise lounge, putting my feet up to relax. "I was going to ring her tomorrow. See what kind of schedule she may have and how she's been enjoying the tea. I might bring some pastries this next time, for her to share with Mathias. He was so adorable with those curls and big eyes."
Bav gives me a soft smile, "You seem to already care about your little brother."
I scoff turning on to my side to play with the candle that's lit on the table by me. "I do not give it as much importance as 'care' when it concerns my feelings for any one in that house. They both are obviously treated better than Momma and I ever were. I know it is not their fault, but I can not help but feel jealous and resentful. Maybe if I still had my mother around I could feel differently." I watch the flame dance around my fingers, not feeling the heat as I make it flip around my finger tips.
"Um... Kara?"
Bav's perplexed tone makes me snap from my thoughts.
"Yes?" I put the flame back on the candle and turn to him.
"How did you do that?"
"My apologies, do what?" I look around me and try to figure out what he's talking about.
"The flame from the candle. You were just playing with fire and put it back on the candle when you were done. You're not burned or anything?" He comes closer, examining my hand for any harm.
"I'm fine Bav, it's just a trick that I've always done, my mother showed me how to do it when I was little. I've never been burned. I can show you." I inform him confidently.
Letting my hand go, he motions to the candle, "Please do."
I show him slowly, how my mother showed me. Sticking my finger above the flame, close enough to feel it dance over the skin. Once it moves over my finger, I roll the flame across my other finger tips and put it back on the candle.
"See?" Bav looks at me blank faced and nods, sticking his finger into the flame just like I did. The flame started to dance, but Bav quickly yanked it out, hissing in pain.
"What happened? You had it starting to dance?" I take his hand in mine and see his finger is red and hot, burned after just a few seconds.
Guilt and concern flows over me like a wave that alternated in intensity. "I'll get the first aid kit." I rush to the bathroom and come back to tend to his burn.
I can't raise my gaze to meet his eyes. Why would he get burned so quickly? Maybe it is because he's a Fae? That must be it, of course I do not recall ever seeing anyone else playing with fire.
But....
I've always loved to play with fire.