"Diayu was constantly around. She'd knock on my door at all hours because I was always awake. She kept me company and She started cooking for me. Eventually, I gave her a key since she was gone all the time. When I was doing coke, I didn't eat much. She was the only reason I ate anything nutritious at all."
He quickly continued. "That night in July, she came onto me. She says she was in love with me but I rejected her immediately. Feeling angry at her confession, I went out. I was gone for a couple of hours, and when I finally came home I collapsed on the sofa. I didn't even make it to the bedroom and I didn't notice that my door was opened. I woke up the next morning completely hungover. I stumbled down the hall and saw blood on the floor."
Li Jun covered his eyes with his palms as if he were trying to blot out the vision. Li Na found herself holding her breath as she waited for his next confession.
"I followed the trail and found Daiyu lying on the bathroom floor in a pool of blood. I tried to find her pulse, but I couldn't. I thought she was dead." He was silent for a few minutes.
"If I'd checked on her when I got home, I could have called an ambulance. But I didn't. I was high, and I crashed, and I didn't care about anyone but myself. When they told me that she took a high dose of an undiluted drug and the drug had affected a certain part of her brain, I knew it was my fault. It was a completely preventable occurrence. I might as well have killed her with my own hands."
He held his hands in front of his face and turned them slowly as if he were regarding them for the first time. "I made her insane, Li Na. A drug-addict that destroys another person's life."
Li Na opened her mouth to contradict him, but he quickly cut her off.
"Daiyu spent weeks in the hospital, first with physical problems, then with depression and some mental issues. I had to take a leave of absence from school because I was too drugged up or drunk to work. I owed thousands of dollars to some dangerous people and had no way of coming up with the money.
Li Jun paused. "Daiyu became suicidal and tried to kill herself in the hospital, so I called my grandparents and told them what happened and my grandfather sent his secretary to check her into a private mental health facility, somewhere where they would be gentle with her. Her parents were not alive. She was all alone in the world."
Li Jun looked up at her with cold, dead eyes. "I was also admitted into the hospital. So you see, Li Na, I caused misfortune to a person. Through my own depraved indifference, I caused the destruction of a young woman's bright future. It would have been better if I was the one affected. My indulgence caused calamity to another person's life."
"Don't say that. It was an accident," said Li Na quietly. "It wasn't your fault."
He laughed bitterly. "It wasn't my fault that I had drugs in the house and left her where the stash was sitting, I made her use the drug to curb her frustration through my negligence. It wasn't my fault that I stumbled in, high, and didn't even bother to check to see if she was in my apartment?"
Li Na took his hands in hers and grasped them tightly. "Li Jun, listen to me. You contributed to the situation, yes, but it was an accident. If there was so much blood, then something was wrong with her before. If you hadn't called the ambulance when you did, Daiyu would have died. You saved her."
He wouldn't look up, but she moved her hand to his chin and forced him to look at her. "You saved her."
He flinched beneath her touch, but she would not release him. "You are not a destroyer. It was just a tragic accident."
She drew him close and gently lifted his hand so that he was touching her. And she placed her hand on top of his tattoo. He winced and closed his eyes.
"We both have scars. Scars are necessary for someone to grow. You don't need to feel guilty about your past ordeal, what you need to do is to move on by learning from your mistake and atoning for the sin of the past."
"I understand." His voice was rough. Li Jun pulled her close and the couple held one another tightly. Li Na could not have imagined Li Jun's secret. And although she was distressed with the way his sad situation had fashioned his grief, his grief was something she could not deny.
"Li Jun, it's okay."
He nodded against her shoulder.
She coaxed him to stretch out lengthwise, resting his head in her lap. She began running her fingers through his uncombed hair. He closed his eyes.
"Where is Daiyu now?"
"In London. When I started working as the boss of Lu's company, I set up a trust fund for her and bought her an apartment. She has been in and out of rehab a couple of times. But she's well looked after, and she will be sent back to school after receiving a clean bill of health." Li Jun inhaled sharply as Li Na traced his eyebrows.