To be frankly, completely wholly, and utterly honest with all of you unlucky few who stumble your way here. I was initially going to open up this little countdown by saying it's an excellent time to be a Jojo fan. But that would be a blatant lie! Since the statement implies, there has been a bad time to be acquainted with Araki's worldwide tale of intergenerational trauma.
For 36 years now, anime's favorite family's queer, quirky quests against the evil forces of heteronormativity have garnered a legendary fanbase. A battle that isn't slowing down anytime soon, with Stone Ocean's anime ending, the ongoing tales of the Part 4 spinoff Crazy Diamond's Demonic Heartbreak, plus Thus Spoke Rohan Kishbe and the beginning of JOJOlands.
To celebrate all this, plus my formal return to the series, I thought about what crazy move I could make to celebrate my return. Of course, talking about the Jojo's, villains, or favorite fights could all do, but then I realized talking about the series' real bread and butter would be so much more tantalizingly titillating. Which, of course, is shining a light on the spectral specters called Stands.
Existing in a time where most battle shonen was a test to see if a fighter's roided out brawn could outmuscle the opponent, Jojo's from Part 2 onwards had a more cerebral approach. As a result, encounters focused more on who knew the most insignificant trivia or wrinklier brain. You've got to use your limited abilities in complex ways to win, with a one-two piece rush combo alongside some fries.
From Stardust Crusaders onwards, the general concept of Stands has evolved from a weekly nuisance or cool superpower to fundamental reflections of the characters and representations of abstract metaphors. Or just a fun, punch ghost with a vocabulary as refined as a typical Anime Twitter user. Nevertheless, despite the complex nature of Stands, they aren't created equally.
Some suck so hard that even a black hole would be jealous of the absolute sloppy guk guk on display. So I've come here today to discuss my 20 worst. From the mainline story to alternate material, I will try and leave no Stone Free unturned as we see this romp together; however, before we go on our eccentric escapade, I've got some-.
Rules
Strap yourselves in, people, cause this section is a doozy. First, ranking Stands is hard since, despite some universal rules (EX: can only be seen by other stands, reflected damage, etc.), there's some form of exception you can find. For example, everyone can see most Bound-type stands due to being tied to a physical object, and some can work after the user's death.
To break things up further, I'll explain who's viable on this list and my criteria for what makes them fail. In terms of mainline, anything from Stardust Crusaders to Jojolion is fair game since Jojolands is just beginning, and we have yet to determine who it'll develop in the future. Secondary material like novels, side manga, fun, and real-life events count, too, within reason.
Remote Romance, a stand by Araki to broadcast a 2012 Art Exhibition, isn't counted since it's doing the job right (it still has an ill design, though). Same with the Shelter, a stand made to hold the Part 5 gang as an excuse to keep a fun escape room in Jojo's Bizzare Museum.
Also, on the flip side, abilities that specifically need another user to work (Tattoo You) or don't have one traditionally (Les Feuilles) won't count. They also must be specifically named, so Holly and Jonathon are off the table. If we are discussing all aspects of the Stand's abilities. Those with multiple acts or abilities will get seen holistically.
We will also judge these stands based on whether we were in the world of Jojo's and gotta go by what we've seen. This is a fancy term for saying Stands which manipulate shit like fate has to operate on Jojo's definition of it, and even if some stands could be better or evolve with other users, we can't infer that. As for the criteria, I'm going off three overall questions to measure how favorably I get put with the Stand in question.
How strong is the Stand? Can it measure up to the heavy hitters like Star Platinum or create mass mayhem like Weather Report? Or can it do about as much damage as a baby holding a feather with a range as tall as a blade of grass?
What are the activation requirements? Do I need to get kinky and spit on you (Jumpin Jack Flash), or can it be summoned by will? Or does the ability make up for the roundabout activation (Catch the Rainbow)? How out of my way must I go to use it effectively?
How versatile is the Stand Ablitiy? Can I use it well both in and outside of combat? Or is it situational?
This isn't a countdown on who's the worst outside of those requirements but a simple list. Also, expect massive personal opinions and spoilers.
Honorable Mentions.
Since I can't help myself, I'll take the five selections.
Hey Ya!
What better way to start the worst Stand list than discussing the best part? Amidst Steel Ball Run's glorified Battleship ripoff (Chocolate Disco) and literal Sweet Baby Jesus' (Love Train), there's He Ya! An ability that is the equivalent of one friend on a road trip that gives you good vibes while you're on a road trip.
I've heard some stirrings about Hey Ya! potentially predicting the future, but I have no clear proof. Regardless He Ya! It is a cute special sunshine, uwu cinnamon roll that gave Pocoloco the world—probably the only positive in a list full of negatives.
The Book
Hopping back to the radically bodacious 90s, The Book is a Crazy Diamond's Demonic Heartbreak original stand that can manipulate memories. Not only can it record memories that get transferred into The Book's case, but it also can have the user experience the memories of the users as if they were there.
Thus you have a deadly trap and treasure trove's worth of information till you get to the fucking weakness. Because if you are within two meters of the book or need help understanding Japanese, The Book starts replicating its namesake. Ahora teniendo en cuenta que ni siquiera puedo hablar maldito español, what makes you think I'm going to learn the 9th most popular language in the world, you trippin. Cause the only books I'm ever hitting are my manga and stories, which will always be a dub in my book.
Atom Heart Father
Still riding the DIU train, Atom Heart Father lets anyone who gets snapped by a normal Polaroid will be affected by whatever the user does to the picture. Plus, the user can float around and store things as a picture which is a plus.
With both those abilities, you'd think they would be instant KOs which molly whop most people till their obvious weaknesses get caught in 4k. If the Poloraid gets decimated, the ability is dunzo like Danzo from Naruto. I think I'll let that mental picture explain why this sucks.
Yo-Yo Ma
One Jojo fan could make a compelling case for how this should be off the list. But I'll be unable to hear you over the sound of my heart jumping through my bloodstream. Cause out of all the horror-lined bullshit of this franchise. It's Yo-Yo Ma.
This abomination activates my fight and fight. And no, I did not misspell that because the only "flight" involved will be his soul from his body when I'm done with him. I can't even wish for the sweet release of this thing's death because it's practically indestructible.
They make me the proud owner of a masochistic, piss-filled wretch with as much worth as a wasted breath. Leaving me to toll away in constant disappointment as my peers reach successes far bigger than mine with less effort. A sad existence worse than any horrifically untimely death. Motherfucker's also got halitosis so bad he spits acid too.
With those stinkers out of the way, though, let's get to the breakdown breakdown of the countdown.