#10: Dragon's Dream
Even as a fellow dragon, if I say so myself, Dragon's Dream is annoying despite having my fave design on the list. Swear to Dio, this Stand is the real-life equivalent of that one friend who asks for more homework before class ends. Marilyn Manson may not protect me directly, but Dragon's Dream actively will give my opponent fucking tips just to keep things fair like the freaking square it is.
As I've said before, fate or luck-manipulating Stands are generally significant, but considering this stand means at least putting in several years to understand the; like mystically crystalcular world of feng shui man, I'll pass. Shit, this isn't even mentioning the number of diet, supplements, fasting, and back-breaking workouts I had to undergo to buff myself to … let's be honest average Joe-jo status, and I think it's a dream how I'll ever win with this stand.
#9: Ebony Devil.
Whooo boi! We've got a double doozy here today, folks. Whenever I hear the conversation of worst Stand get brought up, many entries before and after this selection pop up faster than a teenager's acne in a sweltering summer. But I've legit seen NO ONE talk about this stinker right here. For those who probably don't remember this stand. Let me quickly clarify some instructions on Drako's "cooked book."
1. First, make sure you get hit by your opponent.
2. Try not to get folded like origami immediately.
3. Turn tail and run somewhere safe.
4. Try not to get your ass beat so hard that it resembles a baboon on the way down.
5. Possess a doll nearby the opponent and go to town on him (provided you don't get decked so hard you end up in Yugioh).
6. Avoid getting hit since any damage you take as a doll is transferred to you.
7. Pray to a Saint's Corpse for even thinking you have a chance with these dumbass rules.
Outside of stealth or reconnaissance missions, Ebony Devil is fucking useless. Even if it allows ordinary weapons to hurt Stands, it was only effective as it was because Polanreff's intelligence plateaued like his hairstyle. If Devo had fought against literally any Crusader, he would've been seeing supernovas instead of stars. Then again, given this dude's masochistic tendencies, I can't say this unholy matrimony doesn't work.
#8: Death Thirteen
Mama Mia this may be a controversially spicy meatball. I don't see much hate thrown Death Thriteen's way, but the Stand shares the same issues as Khumn and Bohemian Rhapsody. The ability sounds immensely broken till you start getting honest with how little we know about the full details.
Sure, this baby nearly did claim all the Stardust Crusaders, but given the setup relies on you bringing to life the phrase "Sleeping with the Enemy" while being defenseless in the real world, any leap you make with the stand is a gamble. But, of course, remembering that we live in a primarily capitalist society that runs on hustle culture, caffeine stimulants, and night owls doesn't prove my point either.
But for Dio's sake, let's eliminate that massive restriction; what would you do? The best changes we've seen have centered around inflicting/healing wounds, but Jojo MFs can turn their skull into crumbs inside a candy bar and keep trucking. In real life, I could use my stand to make a 8-hour rave every night or heal up my homies while they're in dreamland. But for the latter, I already live rent-free in their heads, so I'm good to go.
#7: Fun Fun Fun.
Whenever I remind myself about Jojolion's comprehensive list of characters, I always come to a crossroads. Cause I don't know if I should slap Ojiiro or dap him up for somehow making one of the most inconvenient stands viable. Needless to say, if you already know this Stand's effects, you'll realize that Fun Fun Fun fucking sucks sucks sucks. How this man even figured out this ability is a more extensive mystery than anything relating to Tooru or Josuke.
The setup required to constantly remain entirely above your opponent while Home Aloning the room below to take advantage of their injured limbs is more insane than half of the villains in the franchise. The fact Ojiro even put up half as much of a fight as he did with these abilities is frankly incredible.
#6: Rolling Stone
In retrospect, I think Part 5 is when Jojo's started to get Bizzare. Not so much in the random wtf moments but more in the distinction of what Stands can manipulate. More abstract and autonomous powers than the usual villain of the week, you know? I often ask if Rolling Stone is just some poor man's curse in disguise. Golden Wind has arguably given us the best stands overall in verse so getting this raw deal makes things much worse.
Not only does the damn thing do its own thing, like my toy poodle, but anytime I do see it, I'm asking for trouble. Again being able to know the future is never fun if you can't do anything to change it, and that goes doubly so for knowing when someone's about to die. Jojo's may have a confirmed Afterlife, and knowing when you aren't going to die is fun, but letting little Timmy from downstreet die through a supernatural stone slab or Trunk-kun feels like a Catch-22 of perpetual sadness.
#5: Superfly
I don't think a self-respecting Jojo fan wouldn't want to visit Part 4's Morioh. Seeing famous sites like the Angelo Rock or even potentially bumping into Josuke or Koichi seems like a dream come true. However, Superfly appears to be what happens when the self-inserting gets chaotic.
Once again, I've got to tip my hat to Toyohiro Kanedaichi for turning a transmission tower into his personal Holiday Inn. And that's precisely the problem. It's only as good as a holiday inn that you're trapped in. Forever. I mean, yeah, sure, the damage reflection potentially makes you safe at the cost of being so bored you'll be up for seeing grass grow.
And unless you're a damn sociopath, I don't know how you can convince yourself to meet Superfly's escape requirements. There's the trolley problem and Rolling Stone's ethereal euthanasia, and then there's leaving some poor bastard to become a Big Bad Beetleborg. Either way, I'm giving this Stand a ⅕ on TripAdvisor.
#4: Survivor
Keeping up with the school metaphor from Dragon's Dream, Survivor feels like the instigator to Dream's teacher's pet. The full Dennis Rodman of Stands, if you will. I don't think you'll find a good rebound from being called the weakest stand. To all my potential naysayers probably typing out in response to something like.
"But Donnnnnnniiiiieeeeee, Lord, Daddy Dio-sama said there's no concept of weak or strong Stands."
Which is all true, by the way. But I must remind you that Dio was also an idiot who thought an "EPIC GAMER" and a gladiator with the collective brain cells of all my fingers and toes should also be his last line of defense. If I wanted to piss each other off intentionally, I'd spam people deep-fried Jojo memes or go on Twitter. Being a hater isn't hard at all.
Survivor is bloody ironic anyway cause if this Stand is used on a 1-on-1, I'm going to be the absolute opposite of that. Any stand that puts me on the same playing field as my opponent sucks, but giving them an amp that makes them more violent and able to see my weak points is so much worse.
Even if we put the shit through its original context, you have to consider Pucci, one of the smartest and most experienced Stand users in verse, pulling a nightmare blunt rotation's worth of Stand Discs to create what's essentially a mass-induced battle royale. So unless you wish to wake up and choose violence, I suggest you leave Survivor back where you found it.
#3: Highway to Hell
Speaking of Stands, that will probably ensure me bodily harm. Highway to Hell may be the favorite choice of every early 2000s heavy metal enthusiast (or any Drako who saw Stone Ocean's ending for the first time), but it's certainly not for me. I may be a certified hater but not enough to let the whole world know Pain (Free cookie if you got that reference).
Legit unless you have a crazy af pain tolerance or are just kinky in ways even I don't want to know (and this coming from someone who also wants to be "roommates" with Dio). I guess as a semi-benefit, depending on how the targeting works, I could blackmail some pretty powerful people, but after a while, I feel like most of my stolen cash will be filling hospital bills.
If the ability had more specific requirements for those targeted or worked on more people, we would arguably have an improved version of the Lovers. Regardless I'm not joining Pucci's discount Suicide Squad anytime soon.
#2: Notorious BIG
God, these final five are just piling up the worst bracket. So now, to play Diavolo's advocate (and the dreams of every self-deprecating, edgy teenager), Notorious BIG rivals The Sun in destructive power, like a dead man's Switch. Too bad that whole "how favorable of a position" clause falls apart when I'm too dead to enjoy the benefits.
Jojo's may have a confirmed afterlife, but I'm way too cowardly and scared about my mortality to bet on a nuclear bomb that CAN'T EVEN WORK! B.I.G may break the rules of Stands, but that immortality doesn't mean jack shit if the target it's paralyzed in fear, while a baby stroller has fun. I know Carne's feeling stupid about knowing his literal one-shot went up in smoke.
Either way, this pupper, at the very least, gave me one of the funniest headcanons in Jojo's. During the whole universe reset, Notorious Big was swimming up storm toward Florida while murdering anything in it's path to commune a conjugal visit with a gay priest.
#1: Cheap Trick
Look, if you're any self-respecting Jojo veteran, or just seen up until Part 4, you knew this is coming. I already got enough self-doubt you think I want someone who prays on my downfall to be running the show? Everyone put characters like Dio, Lex Luthor, or Reverse Flash. But no one pays enough attention to this ratty, gluttonous, no bitches, glorified Reddit moderator, slimy, disgusting, terrible, no-good, very bad Stand.
I can see why the original user had nerves as steady as a 9.5 earthquake. If the overwhelming threat of instant death wasn't bad enough, having a motherfucker constantly instigating other people to give you the ultimate backshot ain't helping much, either. The worst part is how deceptively strong it is in its respective department.
I'm unsure if many Stands can get it off without you practically raking your back off. Rohan, carrying one of the most broken Stands in the franchise, had to drag Cheap Trick towards hell even to take it out. Meanwhile I would've sent it to the dumpster where it and its brethren belongs.
Epilogue
And this list is finally made with that nasty little shitstain put to rest. Organizing this whole thing across every form of Jojo media I could scrounge up was exhaustive. Still, it's also made me appreciate the franchise's long history. Of course, experimenting more with countdowns and more comedic writing also doesn't hurt either.
I sincerely hope you all enjoyed my nearly 5k-word-long ramblings, though. No matter what, I'd at least like to pretend I'm funnier than I am. I wish all of you good luck on your crazy, bizarre adventures, and I hope you enjoy both my writing and Jojo's for many more years to come.