Day 31
I meditated and I went to sleep afterward, I woke up in the same place. I used the bathroom, I don't believe that banana wants to leave me.
Bad news, my toilet won't flush, and I don't have a plunger. I feel so fucking dirty. I don't even have an orange jumpsuit.
I hope to God she hasn't been contemplating on starving me to death. I'm not eating my own shit. I'll eat a finger, I'll eat the skin off my lips before I eat ass.
I did attempt to unclog the toilet. The water is low but not high enough. I am afraid.
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Day 32
Is this how women turn gay? Well, I have no cellmate, so I don't think I'll be gay anytime soon. I have attempted to unclog my toilet again. The water is still low and again, I am afraid.
I have not meditated, though I should, and it is healthy because I'm not losing my mind.
While unclogging the toilet I remembered my dead beat father.
One time he was unclogging the toilet and a fight broke out with him and mama. I remember he called her piece of shit and smacked her. It startled me. He held her up against the door frame. She didn't scream and he bit her. I unconsciously bit my hand.
My father was evil.
I was watching Blue's Clues, and he sat next to me. "You could be Blue, just like yo mama. You like Blue Clues Alexis?"
"Cedrica."
"AH! Don't give me lip." he said. "Do you like Blue Clues?" he mocked me. I stopped talking. "What's your favorite color?"
My favorite color is purple... he mocked me, "BLUE? I bet it is. I know my kid."
I just kept watching TV. "You could be on Blue's Clues. Like you could be... the kid next door or something. Because you need a job. Jobs, give you money." he held out his hands. His breath was horrible, like onions, "You know how to count?"
"Yes..."
"See, I would be in the house more if we had money but all yo mama wanna do is work in a bar." he said." Like... I told her, she needs to go back to her old days and put that ass up. You know what a hoe is?"
I just wanted him to leave me alone. I couldn't even hear my show. "A hoe is a dike and a girl. You hear me?"
I could. He turned off the TV when I didn't answer. "A hoe is a product, I know because I went to college. I took business. A hoe is a product, it's source of income. When you get to be a hoe. You get money. Hoes themselves can't have money. And yo mama, she snort and ended up having a miscarriage. So, you was born early."
"You snort..." I mumbled. "Don't be wise with me." he lifted his hand. "I'll smack you in the mouth. Yo mama don't talk to me like that..."
"I hate you..."
"What?"
"I hate you." I said even louder. "And?" he lifted his brows. "Hate is a word. I ain't gon die from it." he chuckled. "Everybody hate me. Fuck them and fuck you too."
I reached for the remote to turn the TV back on. He grabbed my hand. "Go to your room. You ain't doing shit."
And I did. And Tori was there... so I had to fight.
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Day 33
I was sleep when the guard came speaking gibberish to me. I nearly fainted at his image, he had a slack jaw and one coming out is head. His tongue swollen in his mouth. "Alexis..." he gurgled. "Your execution is in 21 days."
"My what?" I sat up in bed. "Your death." he clarified, but I still could barely here. "My toilet don't work." I said, ignoring the last question. "D-E-A-T-H." Now, I'm offended.
He walks away and I scratch into the wall, LIFE Ex. I scratch in 1, and I'm sickened how comfortable I am with death.
I'm getting executed? This bitch just gave me the death penalty? I look at my other scratch numbers. I guess I won the lottery.
Honestly I don't know what the fuck I did for all this to happen. Which brings to a realization. My grandma kicked me out the house. Me and tori was on the streets, and she used to do that so much. Tori had a panic attack in jumped in the water near a harbor or a river and damn near died.
Which honestly, I was watching her like... damn, she is really dying. She had her head straight up and was flopping her arms out and a man came and saved her.
But she was struggling to say stupid.
So with the aid of stupidity. She ended slapping the man and climbing on him to the point the man got frustrated he threw her, and she proceeded to actually drown.
She started floating on the water face down, but paramedics came, and she was alive holding her cheeks full of air.
Like... you ever have the right idea at the wrong time?
Jail works. This is powerful. I remember things I buried, like Ferness dying.
My eyes burn.
I was at church and in those moments I believed you was supposed to be saved at church. Not die.
That rope snapped his neck. Beforehand I remember he had asked Beulah to marry him. We were all excited, except for Charlie. He was new.
Charlie was nasty. He ate all the food. He tried to take over which didn't last long because Lucant couldn't stand him.
But Ferness... we thought we could get him down and Lucant really said he committed suicide.
Now that I'm thinking about it again.
He probably planned it.
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Day 34
The more I meditate, I understand myself. My favorite color is pink. I had a Hello Kitty toy, and he sold it. I don't understand what he got out of it. It was a hello kitty toy with a key chain.
"I never sold anything you had. And if you did have it, I bought it!"
"You don't work!" I wonder if he thought I was silent because I was scared. I was silent because he was stupid.
That nigga was so foul, we had a few books in the house including the phone book and mama wanted to use it, but several pages was missing because he used them to roll weed.
Weed paper rolling paper ain't expensive. "Why do you rip pages out the books?" I asked.
"Alexis shut the fuck up. Paper is paper. Paper wipe ya ass, paper collect words, paper is made out of money." he told me.
"We have newspaper."
He rolled his eyes. "Will you shut up! Goddamn, it's bad enough you ain't mine and you just as disrepectful as my last baby mama."
"Yo only baby mama." my mama snarled. "Why the fuck you keep coming over here?"
"Because Experience--"
"DARLENE!"
"Whatever the white bitch wanna be. You have a house, a house has rooms, you know they do house checks in Canada."
"No, the fuck they don't!"
"Do you know my daddy?" asked Tori out of nowhere.
"No the fuck I don't."
"You look like my daddy." she said.
"Who the fuck are you?"
"Torielle B.
"B what?"
"I don't know my middle name."
"BEEEE quiet." he smirked. "That's yo name."
"I think you might be my daddy." she said.
"I'm not yo fucking daddy. You brown like shit, I'm dark skin."
"My daddy dark!"
"I'm not him!"
Is Alexis yo daughter?" she picked her nose, and he did the same. "Where the fuck you get this one?" he exacted. Mama sighed, "She's my uncle kid."
"Why ain't she with him?" he cocked his head.
"I don't know DARE!"
"Bitch say my name right." that was the first time I saw his fangs. He got up and wrapped his arms around my mother. She jerked, but he pinned her to the kitchen counter.
"Get off me!"
"I'm dying. I went to the hospital..." he inhaled. "Don't you love me, Shy?"
"FUCK OFF!" she slapped him. I got up and got the broom stick. Then got up and we both started pulling the broom. "LET GO TORI!" I screamed. "Don't hurt my daddy!"