Maggie settled back down on the sofa. Her face was white as a ghost and lined with stress. She sat in silence for what seemed an age just staring into nothingness. Andy leant forward and gently took his Mam's hand.
'Come on now Mam you know you can tell me anything.' he said.
With that, in a very small unsure voice, Maggie resumed her story.
Well that night was the worst he had ever been. I thought he was going to kill Ma. It had gone on for days. He was on a bender from hell drinking whiskey day and night. We were all terrified.
I was in the caravan making some chips for the kids as they had nothing to eat for days just a few scraps here and there and they were all complaining with the hunger. Oh God I wish I had just left it. Ma was in a terrible state and had taken quite a beating. Her face was all swollen and she was limping badly. Sean and Tommy were under the caravan trying to avoid it all playing with some plastic soldiers. It always amazed me how they could almost ignore it but it was all they had known and I suppose they felt safe under the caravan away from it all.
With this Maggie let out a terrible animal like sound and put her head in her hands. When she raised her head Andy was quite taken aback as he had never seen his Mam like this.
'What happened Mam?' he asked gently.
'Oh Andy, Da had lost his mind shouting obscenities and had grabbed Ma by the neck he had her up against the window and was shacking her like a rag doll and was actually laughing. I thought he was really going to kill her this time so I stabbed him as hard as I could with the knife I was using to cut the potatoes.'
'I drove it into his neck. I must have severed an artery because so much blood came out and he let Ma drop to the floor. Then Donal came running in shouting at Da to leave her alone. Da was staggering all over the caravan covered in blood knocking over furniture and shouting he was going to kill me. Ma just turned to me and and screamed 'Go! Go! He's going to kill you! '
'I just ran for my life out of that caravan and up the street. I was on Camden High street when I heard the explosion. Da had staggered around and must have knocked over the chip pan because there was a terrible fire. I ran back and the caravan was in flames like an inferno. I couldn't get near it and the Police, Ambulance and Fire Brigade were their already. They all perished in that fire. Ma, Da and Donal inside the caravan and Sean and Tommy trapped underneath.
Oh God Andy it was all my fault. The worst part was not being able to get to them the police had grabbed me and held me back. They were the ones that told me they were all dead not knowing it was my family they were talking about a police officer had said apparently a family of seven were in the caravan and had all died. During the commotion no one noticed when I turned and walked away. I just kept walking I suppose I was in shock.
I found myself down the west end and I didn't remember how I got their I sat in a shop door way around the back of Carnaby street where Ma used to take us to beg. I just sat there all night my life as I had known it was over. It was all my fault. I was a murderer I had killed them all.
At this point Andy gasped in horror and was lost for words.
'Good God!' he finally said and they both just sat in silence. Andy was rocked to his very core and shocked beyond belief at what he had just heard. He felt such huge sadness at what his Mam had gone through.
'Mam.' he finally said 'it wasn't your fault you were only a child oh Mam!' and he got up and sitting beside her he put his arm around her. At this Maggie just broke down and sobbed her heart out.
'I've never told a soul Andy never been able to god help me and forgive me for what I did.'
'Now Mam it wasn't your fault it was your Dad's fault,' Andy reiterated.
'But Andy if I hadn't stabbed him none of this would have happened they wouldn't have all died!'
I didn't return to the caravan site for years and even though I ended up living in Holloway and working in a pub in Camden I never went around to the caravan site. I just couldn't face it. I thought of them every day of my life and I prayed for them. I think for the first years I just didn't acknowledge what had happened and it was easier just to live in denial. I
lived rough for about two months and then got picked up by the police and put into care. They thought I was a runaway from Ireland. I was now alone in the world and would spend my days begging outside of the big stores and then I would find a place to sleep. I was scared and felt I had no one to turn to. The best thing that happened was getting picked up by the police but I was terrified they would lock me up for murdering my whole family so I didn't speak a word. They thought I was a mute at first and handed me over to the care workers.
I was put in a children's home and that's where I learnt how to read and write. I felt safe living their but kept myself to myself. The care system then got me a small bedsit in Holloway when I turned seventeen and I managed to get a job in a pub doing the cleaning. When I met Bill it changed my life and I decided never to tell him. I was terrified if he found out he would leave me and see me for the monster that I am.
'Oh mam you're not a monster you must know this wasn't your fault and Dad would have seen that too.' Andy said. He squeezed her hand and for the first time in all the years that had passed Maggie felt some relief from it all.
'I can't believe you have lived with this all these years Mam and blamed yourself,' he said sadly.
When I couldn't get pregnant I thought it was God's way of punishing me and when I finally became pregnant with you it helped to heal me and when you were five I went around to the caravan site. It hadn't changed and the family's living there were the same. That first time was the only time you came in with me and I think you were too young to remember but we went in to see Ma Roche.
She made a cup of tea for us and told me more of that terrible night. The police had blamed Ma for stabbing Da and he had stumbled around knocking over the chip pan a canister of kerosene had ignited and blown the caravan up. It was lucky the whole site hadn't gone up in flames. The caravan had collapsed trapping the two little boys underneath it and killing them. Nobody could get near the caravan it was such an inferno and it was all very quick.
At first the police had thought that we had all died as the neighbors had recounted a family of seven. Nobody had noticed me running from the site or when I had returned so they all just assumed we had died. It was months later after the forensics had been through that it became known that it was the three little lads and Ma and Da who perished. That was when people realized that myself and Aine were still alive. But nobody could work out where we had gone to and why neither of us had returned. It had remained a mystery until I had turned up.
So is Aine with you?' Mrs Roche had asked. I remember sitting there with you fidgeting on my lap and that was when I realized Aine was alive.