"Um… like, big thanks for saving me from those creeps in the robes. I am just going to back away… slowly… Don't mind the axe. Totally not threatening you with it, just picked it up cause it felt right." Eddie Riggs calmly talked us down while backing away, "I am just going to stop that guy from shocking himself trying to get that guitar. Please do not eat me while I am doing so."
"Dude, it was just a case of interdimensional munchies." I informed the Jack Black insert character in Brutal Legend, "Stop being weird about it. In fact, it's weird that you didn't join us. We got the memories of the guys we ate and we know that you ported into this world too."
"Oh thank God there are other people who got here like I did." Eddie put a hand over his heart, "I was kinda freaking out about the sudden transport. Sorry about the eating people thing. I didn't know interdimensional munchies was a thing, but when I get high I am like the Terminator and burritos are my Sarah Connor."
"No problem, man." I told him, "It will be nice having someone along for the ride exploring this world."
Eddie picked up the guitar off the altar of Ormagoden the Fire Beast and played some strings causing lightning to come down on a pair of Tainted Coil Druids frying them to death.
"Babe." Jack said as she got up and wiped demon blood from her mouth, "You grew horns."
I reached up and felt the impressive rack of horns that had sprouted on my head. The graphite plates of my forehead had risen and separated allowing a set of curling horns like the Arishok's from Dragon Age 2 to grow from my head. He had my favorite horns in gaming and now they are mine.
"Dude." Eddie greeted, "They are fucking sick. You look like an absolute Hellbeast."
He turned to Jack who had pulled on her Dragonslayers jacket and dressed in her finest biker girl clothing and threw me the go bag, "And you, madam, look like a heavy metal Valkyrie."
"Your name is Eddie, right." Jack asked while she laced up her boots, "I like you Eddie. Stick with us and these demons that keep porting in here won't be a problem for you."
Jack grinned and started hacking the slow and pathetic demon swordsmen up with the Ebony Blade. While she did that I slipped back into the dragon leather pants she loved so much and put on my nord champion belt. It had three golden disks in the front with a bear, a dragon with a broken horn, and a Hist Tree on them. Along the length of the belt were golden plates with the names Farkas, Aela, Kodlak, Skjor, Torvar, Athis, Rhea, Njada, and the most recently added Dom. This outfit was joined with a pair of comfy boots and my own Dragonslayers jacket made with the wing leather of a Legendary Dragon.
I joined her and Eddie in battling the Tainted Coil Druids with the Hammer of Might.
"Have you ever done this before?" I asked Eddie as he split a Druid from neck to navel with the Separator, the axe wielded by his mother before him.
"First time." Eddie answered.
"You have some sick edge alignment for a first timer." I chuckled as a Druid turned into paste under an overhead swing from my hammer.
Eddie hit a note on his guitar that generated a temple shaking shockwave.
"Bring the house down!" I laughed as we killed more of these guys.
With two more shockwaves the temple crumbled, revealing the beautiful world of the Age of Metal to our eyes. I stepped to the ledge and breathed in deeply.
"Babe." I grinned, "This is home."
"Fuck yeah it is." Jack agreed, "We are on the temple to a Firebeast built atop a mountain of monster bones. The whole world is made of Fire, Blood, Noise, and Metal. This place fucking rocks!"
"Don't think you can fool me with the whole, nun look. You're going to turn around and be a big ugly demon." Eddie shouted at the Battle Nun that arrived on a prayer operated walker, "Aha!" he pointed as she turned around, "Big ugly demon, but kinda sexy though in a weird way."
"Lady. You can either surrender and get fucked by a real demon, or fight us and die unsatisfied." I told the Battle Nun.
"Oh my." She drawled and looked me up and down, "Quite the good looking Hellbeast you are, but the Emperor's commands must be followed."
"So be it." I shouted as I leapt at her and took her head off with a swipe of Volendrung, "This is the hammering you asked for!"
"Dude," Eddie got my attention, "I heard that killing nuns is bad luck, so we better get outta here."
We loaded up onto the walker that Eddie powered with a prayer to Evil. He only tripped up at the end when he asked for Evil's 'good graces' causing the walker to trip over and dump us into a trap where four Druid's pooled their magic and trapped us in a glowing orange energy field.
"Surprise motherfuckers!" I shouted as I disabled the field with a wave of my hand.
I now had the magic potential of three of these Druids combined, their knowledge, plus and aftershock dose of Oghma Infinium, causing my knowledge of Demon Magic to shoot through the roof. These guys didn't stand a chance against me!
Jar-Shak would be so pleased. We are finally a real spell flinger, and all we needed to do was eat three other spell flingers to get there.
"Nice!" Eddie shouted as we burst forth and slaughtered these fools.
Eddie's axe was stopped by a dual bladed block and the red hood slipped off to show the face of a beautiful young woman.
"Oh no!" Eddie exclaimed, "Don't tell me I have been killing hot girls this whole time."
That would be a genuine tragedy, but we were slaying ugly ass demons.
Eddie and Ophelia got their meet cute, but she cut it short on account of the arrival of Emperor Doviculus.
"Doviculus don't got shit on us, girl." I smirked, "Let him come."
"I have no doubt of your might Hellbeast, nor the Valkyrie with you, but Doviculus comes at the head of his army." Ophelia defended the choice to leave.
"Alright, girl." I agreed grudgingly, "It will be hard to both kill the Emperor and keep you both alive at the same time. Let's go."
We worked our way through the Druids and Battle Nuns till none remained. Eddie and Ophelia checked the gate while Jack and I looked around.
"It's like we are in a temple dedicated to speed." She commented on the various engines and exhaust pipes and other vehicle parts strewn about the place.
"We are, babe." I agreed, "And so much more. The metal itself is filled with the need to go fast, faster, fastest!"
I felt the pull of the world's will on my magic and let it draw from my knowledge of engineering to guide my hands in the creation of something that pleased the gods of Metal. Before I knew it I had assembled a massive motorcycle, a chopper with high rising ape handlebars and a set of exhaust ports coming out the sides of the vehicle that could spray the flames of Ormagoden on punks around me. It sported two cycling plasma machine guns that rapidly fired bolts of divine Firebeast flames at enemies in front of me. It was Fire, Blood, Noise, and Metal put on two wheels.
"Holy shit dude!" Eddie cried out as he looked at my bike, "I was worried about how we would all fit in the Druid Plow but then you make this unholy abomination of pure awesome."
"I call her The Good Morning," I grinned as I looked upon my work and saw that it was good, "Cause the whole neighborhood is waking up when this beauty turns on."
To prove my point I hopped on and started up The Good Morning. Her engine screamed like the death wail of the Firebeast, and she thrummed under me with power and the affection of the gods of Metal.
"Goddamn." Jack purred as she got on the bike behind me, "And here I thought you couldn't get any sexier."