"Cole!" I greeted, "My friend. I see you and Baird have come to join the winning team."
"Fuck no, Grunty." Cole denied, "How many times I have to tell you I ain't living around so much swinging dick. My eyes is sensitive."
"I thought you were always talking big game when you said you guys were doing good on the radio." Baird stated, "I thought it was code for the situation isn't complete shit. How the fuck are you people actually doing good?"
"Take a deep whiff, Baird." I commanded him, "That is the smell of discipline and organization leading to victory. Plus we got a magic hammer and sword that kills the shit out of imulsion. Fucking EZPZ bois."
"That is fanfuckingtastic." Baird grumbled, "Why didn't we just think to use our magic hammers and swords to fight the Lambent. It would be EZPZ!"
"Why didn't you?" I asked the exacerbated man like I didn't honestly understand why they didn't kill their enemies with magic.
"If it was all so EZPZ they why are you still keeping women in camps as breeding cattle?" Private Sam, a new addition to Cole and Baird's usual team spoke up.
"I like the sound of your voice, woman." I grinned at her.
And I really did. She was voiced by Claudia Black in the game, the same voice of my favorite video game romance of all time, Morrigan from Dragon Age.
Not that I didn't love Jack more, just the romance between Jack and Shepard wasn't very solid in ME2. Plus now I have to kill any Shepard I encounter that romances a Jack. By the laws of algebra, all Jacks are mine. It's fucking math, dawg. Irrefutable.
"Okay…" she got a little bug-eyed at me, "You aren't going to put me in your breeding camps, are you?"
"Nah girl." I denied, "The camps are for those that want to be there. You non consenting types are all free to fuck off and get killed by the Lambent, or the Locust, or starvation. I am happy for you people to all be problems for someone else."
"What do you mean by 'you people'!" Cole shouted in fake outrage before giggling, "Yo man, we got a bird loaded up with shit to trade for food. Hook your boy up."
"I got you man." I laughed, "We got more food than we can store, so I am going to load you guys up with my personal gas barge and help you guys fly it out."
"Gas barge?" Baird questioned, "You stole one of those things from the grubs."
As I led them to my menagerie, they all gasped.
I'd stolen every kind of beasty the grubs made over the years, beat them into submission, and put them to work for the Legion. The gas barge in question was bigger than the standard used by the grubs, using two of those balloon monsters hooked up parallel and a manual steering system rather than the imprecise autopilot used by the Gears in the game. I had a pair of Brumaks loading up pallets of food crops for the guys and I weighed my Hydra with extra firepower and ammo for the long trips we would be setting off on to free Marcus's dad and slay the glowies and grubs for good, or until Microsoft needed a winning IP to compete with Sony.
We arrived to see the ship that currently housed what was left of the COG forces getting wrecked by a glowie Leviathan. Nothing some heavy chain gun fire couldn't solve. We met up with the rest of the famous Delta Team when their life raft hit the shoreline where we loaded them up to fly to Anvil Gate where Colonel Hoffman had the mcguffin we needed to find Adam Fenix so we could use the mcguffin he made to win the war for survival. It was smooth sailing as the chain guns I mounted on the mega barge and my Hydra tore through the lesser Locust barges we encountered and Myrrah turned back from her attack when she saw me.
I wonder why.
We touched down in Anvil Gate with enough time to go over Prescott's data disc before the Locust and Lambent showed up. The mother fucker definitely gets points in my book for hiding his island retreat in a perpetual hurricane he somehow generated. That is some next level Bond villain shit.
We would need to use an old submarine Hoffman knew about to get there, but only after we Mad Max'd it and fought our way through a bunch of bullshit to get there. Fortunately, Hoffman had a fuck ton of the ammo used by my chain guns so throwing back the Locust and Lambent attacks was easy as was the trip to Mercy to load up our fuel truck with imulsion to power the sub.
The town was empty and the pumps were down. In the spirit of nothing going right, some crazy fucker had set explosive charges on the pipeline.
"The fuck is he talking about." Marcus asked when said crazy bastard took off, "Some kind of fever, people turning violent."
"Sounds like the townsfolk are going glowie." I answered.
"People don't go Lambent." Sam denied.
"Just because you say it in a sexy voice doesn't mean you're right." I countered.
"What the hell is up with you and my voice?" she demanded with some fire in her belly.
"I want to bring you incredible sexual satisfaction so that I can hear the sounds you make in absolute bliss." I told her.
"Well… damn." she responded.
The team got a healthy dose of the stakes rising when they found the Lambent humans in the sewers who chased them all through the town. They were weak. At least the Locust showed up and our combat caused the Lambent to start shooting up stalks to drop in its own forces to battle all of us. It was fucking glorious.
My hammer arced around in an absolute blur, turning everything it came into contact with into paste, or rubble, or splinters. Despite my efforts, the humans were getting boxed in and worn down. Until Dom hopped in a truck and drove away. You could see the betrayal on Marcus's face as Dom drove down the tunnel away from the town.
Then he drove it right back.
What a chad.
Dom's suicide attack burnt the whole fucking town down and anything stupid enough to not hide behind a metal barrier was taken out in the incendiary blast.
Cept me.
They say cool guys don't look at explosions, but what about the guys who just face tank the explosion and walk out of the fiery wreckage slow? I am that guy right now and I feel fucking cool, but I don't get to see me doing it. It is a damn shame we aren't filming this.
We arrived in the city of Char. Perfect name for the scorched dump. The burned corpses of the citizens had persisted to this day, the ashes welded together by the heat of the Hammer of Dawn attacks.
"Reminds me of the home world." I breathed in the apocalyptic air around me, "I really miss Tuchanka sometimes. Korlus can go fuck itself."
"Tuchanka, Korlus?" Anya asked.
"Tuchanka is the krogan home world." I answered as we moved across the wasteland and avoided bumping the pillars of human ash, "I was made on Korlus."
"Kinda weird that you brought up your conception." Sam joked.
"I wasn't conceived." I shook my head, "I was made. In a lab. The perfect krogan."
"What were they like?" Anya inquired.
"We reduced Tuchanka to a burned out wasteland. Only the most brutal and enduring creatures could survive there, like the krogan." I answered, "I can't seem to remember what the Shaman said about Tuchanka, something along the lines of it killing the weak, slaying the slow, and murdering the dumb. Sera does the same with you humans, and your species will either die, or become stronger for it."
"Lovely." Sam snarked.
"There is a simple beauty to it." I agreed, "It would do your pathetic species some good if I could breed with you people. Jumpstart your evolution with a generation of real power, but until I find some magic that makes my swimmers compatible with humans you people will just have to wallow in the misery of not being immortal and nigh invulnerable."
Our conversation ended when a local started setting off traps to kill us. He came out and made nice after his efforts summoned the Lambent, but I still wanted to murder his punk ass. At least he was kind enough to take us to his leader who I grabbed by the neck and pinned to his desk.
"We want fuel." I told him, "Point us in the direction of fuel."
The guy's goons revealed they had kidnapped our truck driver, Dizzy, trying to leverage his life against us.
"You will return our truck and its driver, or I will let Marcus show you a few tricks he picked up in prison." I growled.
"You think I am scared of you COG mother fuckers and your lizard attack dog?" He asked.
"Drop your pants Mark." I commanded, then shut my eyes.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" my prisoner screamed and his guards backed away from Dizzy.
"If you don't comply I will have Marcus rape you." I made him an offer he couldn't refuse.
"I comply!" he shrieked, "I fucking comply! Please just make him put it away! It's like it has its own gravity, pulling my on my soul!"
After the Griffon stopped sobbing we were on our way to pick up some fuel.
We only encountered minor resistance in getting the fuel to our new stealth submarine. Myrrah sent her forces at us heavily when we started moving the sub through the dry dock, but we were in a confined space and I am a krogan with a hammer. She didn't have enough fighters in her leftover army to fill the gaps between my teeth let alone inconvenience me.
The others had a very different sub ride than I did. They all fit in the gunner pods. I had to take off my armor, turn sideways, and shimmy just to get through the entryway. And I thought I would have had a tough time in the Navy in my human body.
It was just as big a hassle getting off of the sub at the COG's VIP island retreat as it was getting in the damn thing.
"Never again." I complained as I got redressed.
"Can't have been that bad." Sam teased, "After all you finally got to show me your trouser snake."
"So you were looking." I muttered, "I knew I should have helicoptered it. Would have hypnotized you into the sack."
"Would it have really?" Sam joked.
"Do you like cock?" I asked.
"Well… yeah." She answered.
"Then the sight of my majestic cock twirling around would have been too much for you." I told her.
"I fucking doubt that." She denied.
"When this is over I am going to sit you down and prove you wrong." I stated.
"You're on, lizard man." she accepted the challenge.
We navigated the island stronghold with the help of Adam Fenix on the radio. We battle through Myrrah's entrenched forces and shut down the Maelstrom Generator by destroying its cooling units causing the massive sci-fi storm phallus to blow up.
With the generator gone the storms somehow just up and ended. The sun came out and things felt like victory. A sure sign of imminent FUBAR if I ever saw one.
Cole and Baird showed up on a King Raven and Marcus sent Sam and her pal Jax back to the inbound fleet to coordinate the troops.
"Did you two just have a touching moment?" I asked Baird in regards to the tenderness he showed Sam on her way out.
"Fuck no." Baird denied.
"Cool. Cause I am going to introduce her to the glory of smooth lizard cock." I told him.
"Fuck no, dude!" Baird shouted, "I take it back! That was totally tender. Go get some other chick! Dibs, dude. Respect the dibs."
"Goddamn bro code." I grumbled.
"Thank God for the bro code!" Baird exclaimed.
"Forget pussy!" Cole shouted, "It's time to get some motherfuckin vengeance for Dom!"
"I do love pussy." I nodded my head, "But motherfuckin vengeance is the shit."
"Hell yeah!" Cole agreed, "We gonna fuck the grubs and the glowies right out of existence! Genocide, baby!"
"Oh hey." I pointed to the sky and to the inbound gas barges and Reavers flying crimson Legion flags, "Jack and Legion showed up. Guess this fight is going to be real fucking easy."
Jack touched down next to us with her own Hydra and put the thing in park while our forces destroyed the fucking stupid catapult emplacements the grubs put down that would supposedly prevent the COG and the UIR forces Cole and Baird brought from landing.
"I figured we'd blow this popsicle stand after this battle, so I brought the boys in for one final hurrah." Jack smirked as her Legion started landing on the island and taking the fight to the Locust with a brutality the grubs had only ever seen from themselves, "Just look at them. There is hope for these Serans yet. They all have a snarling beast inside them, just waiting for someone to smash down the walls of pussy trapping it. Here, carry this."
She handed me our go bag.
"Yeah." I agreed with her, "Despite this world being pretty hardcore, I was getting antsy for a change in scenery too."
"You're just going to leave?" Baird asked with a little accusation in his tone.
"Yeah." I nodded my head, "No matter which way things go for you guys, we are moving on."
"That's cold, baby." Cole shook his head.
"That's life, bub." I told him as we ascended the COG's final fortress while the Legion beat the locust to death with their own torn off arms and legs.
Jack grinned when Adam warned us to watch out for Myrrah in her desperation.
When Myrrah showed up on top of her personal mount Jack hit the bitch with a biotic lash and ripped her off of it and crashing into the floor in front of us.
"I always used to hear about how badass asari commandos were and how they could rip people in half with their minds." Jack said as she lit up with blue biotic power, "How's my impersonation?" she giggles as she pulled Myrrah in two.
"On point, babe." I grinned and walked over to stomp on the skull of the downed Locust Queen.
"Your mine now bitch." I laughed as I jumped onto her personal mount, the Tempest.
The beetle-like creature obediently let me control it.
"I am going to go ride this thing around before your dad's weapon kills it." I told them and Jack jumped up and sat in my lap.
"Lets put this thing through its paces." She grinned and we took off to use its heat beam mouth attack to fry both the grubs and the glowies.
We had a genuine good time until Adam's weapon went off.
With our flying mounts slain, Jack used her biotics to glide us over to Marcus and the others as he knelt by the ashes of his father, who had tested the weapon on himself at various levels of Lambent infection.
I cracked out the Horn of Party Hardy and set it to tequila.
"Drink up buddy." I handed him the ultimate Daedric Artifact, "You use rubbing alcohol to treat outside wounds, and drinking alcohol to treat inside wounds."
He spat out the first sip.
"You just had tequila?" he grumbled.
"That horn is a portal to the concept of liquor." I explained, "I have it all, in infinite amounts. Just think about what you really want, flip it over and let the party commence!"