"And I'd like everyone to give a big round of applause for the newest member of Beta Team, Tali!" Garrus spoke as he introduced Tali to the rest of us at the Beta Team dining table located in the cargo bay of the Normandy.
Only one set of hands joined him in his applause, but the thunderous clapping caused by the ridiculous ham hocks attached to my wrists made up for Jack and Zaeed being too cool for team spirit.
"What's got you so peppy?" Zaeed grunted in annoyance.
"Tali was on the team that took down Saren and saved the galaxy two years ago." I explained sagely, "You should be in awe."
"Where is all this respect when you are dealing with me?" Garrus cocked up with fake outrage, "I saved the galaxy too!"
"Yeah… but you did it looking all turian." I countered, "It's not your fault you're ugly, you just hail from an ugly species."
Watching the plates that make up Garrus's face pull apart to accommodate that jaw flooring mouth gape was too much for my boyish sense of humor not to break down laughing at.
"You, a krogan, are calling turians ugly?" Garrus shouted in disbelief, "We are the most handsome and noble species in the galaxy!"
"Let's cut this topic off before interspecies warfare starts." Tali cut in and Garrus, shrunk a bit before he heard my comeback.
"Yes, let's talk warfare." I laughed, "Not only are the krogan better looking and better lovers, we are also better fighters than the turians."
"Completely laughable!" Garrus denied my assertion, "The krogan are prey animals, you can see it in those side set eyes. How can you hope to ever match the intensity of a focused turian gaze? The ladies love it!"
"It must hurt your little birdy heart that even the prey animals of Tuchanka are more metal than the apex predators of Palavin!"
"Boys!" Tali interrupted again, "Please, you are acting like children. And fools, the quarians are the most beautiful species."
"Bullshit." Jack called her out, "I don't buy the idea that under those envirosuits are beautiful people."
"No they really are." Zaeed backed Tali's claim, "I got curious and stripped a quarian I killed. Even shot dead, the mother fucker was gorgeous."
"I wish murder wasn't necessary to prove my point," Tali stated with an air of superiority, "but I will take it anyways."
"If you don't want murder to prove your points you are on the wrong team." I told her from across the table, "We're a pack of murderhobos."
"Oh my gods, you're right!" Garrus stated in shock having just realized that Beta Team wasn't just the heaviest hitters on the Normandy, they were all murderous psychopaths with not a single home address between them.
"And we are picking up an asari justicar on Illium for Beta Team, too." Garrus mused, "That's basically a wandering asari with a license to dispense murderous street justice in asari controlled space." he explained for those on the team ignorant to the strange asari custom.
"The quarians are a race of shiphobos, and Tali must have picked up a body count with you guys the first time." I said with a grin, "We are all murderhobos top to bottom."
"I vote to officially change the fire team designation to Team Murderhobos." Zaeed spoke up.
"Seconded." I nodded my huge lizard head in agreement.
"Plus 1." Jack voted with us.
"Denied." Garrus flat out refused.
"Don't be such a pussy." Jack barked at him.
"Come to the dark side, Garrus." I slowly leaned across the table to invade his personal space, "We have cookies."
"No we don't." Zaeed denied, "We only have steak, eggs, and melons. And you can't eat any of it cause being a dextro sucks ass."
I loved being on Beta Team.
Later Tali came by my workbench while I was working on boosting the kinetic coil generators on my guns. Like I had promised Shepard, I spent lots of time adding more gun to the team's guns, but I always kept the best for myself. The others had trouble if I packed too much weight into their weapon systems, so they never got to experience the joys of carrying around real firepower.
"The only krogan I ever met wouldn't be able to work a screwdriver like that." She commented and I looked at her in disbelief.
"Phrasing." I barked at her.
"Phrasing?" she froze for a moment then laughed, "Oh, a penis joke? I can see it now, but it should have been more obvious before I said it."
"You are never more than three feet from a penis joke." I told her then went back to reassembling my weapons.
"Garrus told me you built your gear with the help of a stranded quarian on Omega." Tali led me into a non penis related topic. Oh she of little faith.
"Got him laid too." I bragged, but really it was all Zaeed.
I needed to find a way to put that guy into mortal danger in a way that doesn't make it look like I set it up. The man knows how to repay a life debt. But he also knows I am hooked up to a scary psychopath girlfriend. Does this mean I should let him die as he can no longer pay his debts with asari quim? Life's great questions.
"No way." Tali denied.
"Yes way." EDI spoke to us as her rounded holographic display sparked up on a nearby terminal.
"How do you know about that?" I asked the AI.
"The strippers you fornicated with live streamed the orgy to their OnlyFans account. Less than twenty hours later the video leaked to the wider net. Your encounter virally trended for two weeks." EDI explained, "If your career as a murderhobo doesn't work out, you will find pornography an easy landing."
I froze as I absorbed this new knowledge.
"Are you okay, Grunt?" Tali asked in a sincerely concerned tone.
"I'm stunned." I told her and paused, "I didn't think my ego could get any bigger, but then I found out that millions of people liked watching me lay pipe."
"Billions." EDI corrected.
I shivered.
"This is the greatest day of my life." I said softly then yelled, "Hey honey! My cock is famous!"
"Is that so?" Jack shouted back from the creepy darkness she dwelt in, "I think I'll need to get a closer look to be sure!"
I put away my tools and guns in a display of hand speed that would leave a salarian cross eyed.
"Is this normal?" I heard Tali ask the AI as I walked away.
"For them, this was rather tame." The AI answered, "They are usually far more vulgar with their shouted come ons."
"I don't know what to think about that." Tali admitted and sighed, "I just wanted to get to know the new team better."
"I've sent you the link should you desire to know more about Grunt's sexual performance." EDI toggled off the display.
"I…" Tali murmured just barely audible to me, "The fuck is wrong with these people?"