"I am not happy about this." Jack grumbled as the asari technician finalized the gel lining of her new helmet.
"I don't care about your happiness, just your odds of surviving a headshot." I grunted at her while admiring the asari's steady hands as she worked her equipment.
After arriving on Illium, Jack and I took off to resolve the issue of her running around in a string bikini top on a battlefield. Her argument of it always working for her before held no merit when our primary enemies are mercenaries, androids, cyborg insects, and cyborg zombies. Only one of those categories only one gives a damn about tits, and even then it is only 50/50 considering the number of non-humans we battle.
Fortunately, Illium is the best place to armor the humanoid female form outside of Thessia with a nice bonus of being a super corporate world, so no red tape for a pair of goons buying military hardware. I ended up getting her fit for a heavy set of plate armor with a glass dome style helmet similar to Ryder senior from the andromeda game and Emile from the best Halo game. She actually looked more like the Spartan than the Pathfinder considering the level of protection we were buying, but I'd never let her do something as edgy as scratching a skull face onto her visor (it was cool though).
The biggest benefit to suiting her up on Illium came in the biotic boost the armor gave her, hugely boosting her barrier power, and providing a moderate boost to biotic power cooldown and max sprint speed.
The quick space Hokage black and orange paint job the store did was super sick; believe it, and we ended up broke after leaving that store. Broke in the wallet but full of wholesome armored girlfriend goodness.
We caught up to the team at the bar run by Liara's 'dad' and the sight was like a study in coiled badassery. Despite boasting the largest cast in the games, ME2 delivered the most solid coterie of companions. Even the flat note in the form of Jacob Taylor still rang far higher than the lows that would be felt in the original, the sequel, and the mistake.
I am surprised people didn't have heart attacks just looking at all of us together.
"I see we decided that nipples are not in fact the best defense in a firefight." Garrus snarked from his stool while we took our seats at the bar table briefing.
"The best defense is what Grunt did to that prick back on Tuchanka." Zaeed spoke up, "Never seen a krogan head that fucked without explosives."
"Saw the pics." Jacob grunted, "I'd prefer that the squads chat board not be used for spreading gorenography or pornography."
"Agreed." Said the Commander, "Jack, the squad chat is not the place to disseminate the details of your sex life."
"Don't be such a pack of girl scouts." Jack complained, "Those shots are all good."
"Yes." Oddly agreed Mordin, making everyone look at him shocked (salarians lack a biological sex drive), "Jack shows an excellent grasp of composition and lighting. Very talented photographer. Would likely achieve wider appeal if subject matter included less krogan genitalia, but that is just opinion. Best art comes from place of deep passion."
"So Jack's porno pics are good because of her passion for big lizard dick?" asked Kasumi in what I think is the first time I have ever heard the master thief speak.
"Despite prevalence of Grunt's penis in Jack's body of work, believe it is krogan said penis is attached to that ignites artistic spark." Mordin corrected the thief's misunderstanding.
At this point I am pretty sure Jack is grateful that her visor is fully reflective.
"So you see a photo of Jack holding Grunt's cock while covered in his semen and see love?" Kasumi asked incredulously.
"Would have to be blind not to." Mordin definitively stated.
"As wonderful as this conversation about Grunt's penis doing work in Jack's body is," Garrus interrupted, "I believe Shepard has done all the legwork gathering intel on our up coming missions."
"You people are some of the weirdest I have ever seen." Liara's dad, the asari matriarch bartender, spoke while she delivered everyone a round of drinks, "Shoot me those pics. Any porn that has a recommendation from a salarian has to be special."
I sent her a few of the pics Jack had shared and she pulled them up without leaving.
"You take good care of your skin, kid." she commented.
"Gotta guy on the Citadel." I responded.
"I know that guy." she nodded her head in approval, "Probably the smartest krogan alive. Made all the products he sells himself."
"Guy's a genius." I agreed.
"Keep doing what he tells you and you'll stay beautiful." She told me, "This way if the whole killing people thing gets dull you and your girlfriend can still make a mint on the ExtraNet with content like these."
After delivering her sage advice, the matriarch went back to slinging drinks.
It is ironic that the wisest of the matriarchs is behind a bar, a laughing stock, while her less intelligent peers are held up as pillars of asari culture. The downside of pragmatism in a widely liberal community. Like a fellow once said, 'ain't that a kick in the head?'
If I live as long as she has, I hope I have the introspective capacity to reflect on my life enough to understand that peace and prosperity do not last and I need to prepare for the times when they are just a memory.
My navel gazing ended when Shepard brought us back on topic and started explaining what we need to accomplish on this planet.
"From what we have gathered, the justicar, Samara, is conducting an investigation that will have her clashing heads with local law enforcement. This has the cops afraid as the justicar code allows for her to cooperate with law enforcement for a single planetary rotation before she is compelled to continue on her path by any means possible. We will have to get to her location and provide assistance before that process plays out." Shepard took a drink after explaining the first mission and continued, "Tonight we have to be on site at the towers being built by Nassana Dantius. Thane Krios, the drell master assassin, is targeting her this evening. He isn't taking contracts any more, so the best way for us to meet with him face to face is to beat him to his target."
"Sounds fun." I chuckled.
"It likely will be." Shepard agreed, "I know first hand that Nassana makes enemies faster than anyone else. She is likely going to be surrounded by a morally bankrupt army."
"I should probably dust off the old Archangel alias." Garrus murmured.
"After we finish those up we will be on shore leave until the weekend when Miranda's sister and her family will be ready for relocation." Shepard finished the brief.
"And here we just spent our last credit arming up." Jack sighed.
"I'll have you taken care off with some per dium discretionary funds." Shepard looked at Miranda pointedly.
"Of course." Miranda fake smiled.
"Just try not to have too much fun." Shepard announced, "I don't want to hear about any of you signing yourselves into slavery."
"I believe the asari call it 'indentured servitude'." Miranda corrected the Commander.
"It's just slavery with extra syllables." I grunted, "The asari like to pretend it isn't slavery because they don't treat their slaves like the batarians do." I just shook my head in disdain, "Congratulations, you people aren't as terrible as the worst sentient species in the galaxy."
"That is a lot of hate for a species you hardly know." Shepard reprimanded me.
"A Shepard from Mindoir would agree with me." I grumbled.