Chapter 2
Abruptly, the sunlight seeped through, as my curtains yanked apart. Monetarily, I was dazed by the blinding light, the scorching heat of the sun beat down onto my skin. "Rise and shine, sleepy head. Time for another day at the hell pit that is school." That voice. That voice that I've measured every inch, burned it to my memory. That voice. Her voice. Amber.
Events of what previously happened, hastily flashed before me, my mind trying to absorb the information as quickly as was possible. But it couldn't be her. I was in a dream. Maybe I was still in it?
My eyes shot open, the girl standing in front of me draping a hand on her hips, a slightly vexed expression filled her beautiful face. Amber. Her skin glowed, her hair kinky draping past her petite shoulders, despite her build she was tall, extremely gorgeously tall. Those bright, popping clothes that I remembered at her funeral, was what she was wearing now. Her favorite outfit, color and life clung to it. I should have run up there, hugged her, smothered her in an embrace but all I could managed was to stare at her. My sister. Right in front of me, alive. In front of me and alive. "Come on Nicky, we need to go to school. I have a doctor's appointment to attend to soon. I'm willing to drop you off." Still, I stared. And stared hard, somewhat expecting her to dissipate like a pillar of smoke, but no. She remained there. As human as possible. She was real. "Unless you want to take the bus-"
Before she could even get all her words out, I sprinted from my bed, running to her, engulfing her in a hug. She winced, slightly, taken aback by my sudden gesture but returned it good heartedly, placing like pats on my back returning the intimacy. God, I've missed her. "Care to tell me what this is about? And don't think you could ever-"
"Lie to you. I know." I pulled back, absorbing everything about her, from her hair, down to her brown eyes. Whatever that spirit did, it worked. Fully. That could only mean that I had another chance for her, her future rested on my shoulders. Her life rested on my shoulders. I wasn't planning to disappoint, not Amber. Not her. "I know."
****
"Knock knock." My hand collided with the door to the conservatory where my dad currently was. Every morning, without fail. Fading into his universe, surrounded with his books and his plants. He always used to say the crisp, fresh air from the plant photosynthesizing gave his brain fresh air to think also. I think he only said that to cover up the fact that after the one-hit wonder of his first book, no other work of his has reached the standard of his famous one. It was slightly sad to be honest, I knew my dad and I knew the wonderful whirling mini galaxy packed in his head but he could never settle it down to focus and produce another masterpiece. But he was never bitter about it. It was strange I have never seen him bitter, ever. It just didn't mold to his character. He radiated happiness to a healthy extent and I slightly envied him for that.
His voice sounded tired but seemingly happy to hear my voice. "Come in Nicola."
Juggling the food on the tray I opened the door and proceeded to lightly kick it open. Once he saw what I was doing he rushed over to help, taking the tray from me and holding the door open so I could enter.
I smiled appreciatively. "Thank you."
"No, thank you, Nicola. You don't always have to bring me breakfast you know." Whether it was in his conservatory or his bedroom or his office, he had a habit of not having breakfast and I loved my dad so instinctively I would always make sure he had something to eat.
"Yes, I do. You never remember to have breakfast in the morning."
He laughed. "You never thought that perhaps that was a personal choice. That I chose that of my own accords."
"But you were always persistent with reminding me how breakfast was the most important meal of the day."
He sat back down as I took my designated seat where I have gotten so accustomed to at the chair opposite his. Lightly, he rolled his eyes before a faint smile painted his lips. "Yeah, but you were five and the only thing you would ever eat would be sugar pops in the morning. You needed a balanced breakfast."
I reminisced back to that time. We would always make pancakes on Tuesday, smoothies on Wednesday, and a fry up on Thursday which my mom always protested to. But she was too busy to actually stay and make what she deemed was a 'healthy breakfast' which would commonly consist of a slice of toast and an apple. A far cry from a fry-up health-wise but still those fry-ups were the bomb and still an improvement from sugar pops. Those times were happy times that I shared with my dad. Funny, I could never reminisce any fun memories with my mother. I smiled. "Like those fry-ups packed with all those juicy saturated fats and cholesterol, not the good kind."
His mouth hung open in mock surprise. "Those fry-ups were delicious! You loved them!"
"I loved them dad because it was always packed with oil and bacon!"
He chuckled holding his arms up in surrender. "Okay, okay. Fair enough, but still you don't need to check up on me all the time. I am a grown man and furthermore your father. I should be taking care of you, not the other way around."
"But you are always here. All the time. I never have any time alone with you anymore except the morning."
With that statement, he frowned. But it was never my intention to make him feel guilty. I came for his advice. "Anyway dad, there was something I wanted to ask you."
He took a minute before he recovered, he nodded. "Of course, ask away."
I took a deep breath whilst his eyebrow perked up in anticipation. "Okay, say hypothetically. Like," I stopped, how was I going to even put this in words?
"Out with it Nicola, don't leave me in suspense."
"Okay so I have a friend. And they are sick, like really sick. Her sis-" I paused trying to gauge his expression, he held none. His face was neutral encouraging me to carry on. "So this girl dies. And her best friend has the chance to save her life, give her another chance. The best friend is inevitably going to take it, but she is scared that if she fails to succeed that the death of her will be in her hands. But she is still conflicted with this, but also determined. Any advice?" As his brows creased, the age lines on his forehead became more prominent. I just pray that he has no suspicion of anything, I hope that he doesn't trace it back to Amber. Immediately as that thought sprung in my head it quickly dissolved again as he smiled.
"Well, I would tell that best friend to give it her all. The fear of doing the right thing should not stop you. You should always try even if the endpoint may not always be what you wanted. But at least she tried right? That's the most important thing."
Hooked on his every word, I nodded intent on his advice. He gave amazing advice, as usual. That's what I loved about my dad. He didn't pry, you could talk to him about everything and he would be honest with you. Sometimes brutally so, but most times than not it was always welcomed. I didn't want sugar coating of any kind. "You're right dad. Thank you so much. I knew I could come to you."
"Always. I'm not going to ask what brought this on. You're entitled to your own privacy, okay? Just know that me and my mother are always going to be here for you."
"You more than her it seems."
"Nicola." Quickly before he could reprimand me, I shot up and gave him a quick peck on his cheek.
"Thanks, dad." I gave him quick kisses in between. "I love you."
I proceeded to start to leave but a voice rang through and stopped me. "Nicola." I turned around to see my dad's face staring back at me. He seemed guilty. "I am sorry you know. I will try and make more effort to see and be with you more. I love you."
I couldn't help but smile. "Love you too dad."
*****
Despite me and Amber almost being late because of my common detour this morning, we were in the car, listening to Kahlid. I loved Khalid, his music put waves within me. I felt like he just got what all teenagers were going through. He just got us.
"Are you sure everything is all right? I've never seen you happy about well, about anything." Every so often she'd steal glances my way, a worried expression filing her soft features, her eyebrows creasing and her lips turned into a smile frown, but she maintain most of the attention on the road, both hands tightly gripping the steering at eleven and two o'clock. I remember her always being cautious of driving, whenever I was in the car she made it her duty to drive less the two miles per hour, which almost always got us late. The only thing is, I knew she only did that because of me, to keep me safe.
"I'm fine, honestly. For a long time, I feel like I can breathe again." It must have been surprising to her to hear me openly say this, even before her death we were close. Really close. But being that close had it's challenges and I guess I was always reluctant to let others in. Now, I know that my sister of all people, deserves to know what I'm feeling.
"Really? Well that great, I'm happy that you're happy, Nicola." If only she knew why. "Listen, you might not see me at lunch, I have a scan I need to go to. But I promise, I'll be here after school. Just don't be late."
I remember every single scan, every single tests she had to endure before the diagnosis. All the pinching, prodding, drawing of her blood. Back then, I didn't know that nothing, absolutely, nothing would over top what she went through after the verdict. In some ways it was worst. But I knew she hated waiting, being in the unknown, not being sure what the future would hold for her. But, I knew. I knew everything. "A scan. MRI?" Something the spirit failed to mention was if these would all be in order, I don't remember making any life altering decisions and if I did, I would have chosen right. I know I would. So what was it I had to change?
"Yeah. Those machines are so loud, it makes it extremely difficult to concentrate."
"Are you scared?"
She pulled into the parking lot, stopping directly ahead of the high school we went together; the big bricked looking mansions, with mini complex of other modern designed building around it. She turned towards me. "Have you ever seen me scared, or even heard me say I was? Don't worry, I've got this." Her shoulders bounced in a light shrug and she gave me a playful wink, confident. Again, if only she knew. I had to muster everything in me not to break down in front of her, she didn't know how her story ended but I did.
"Are mom and dad going with you?"
"No, should they? I'm old enough to handle myself, I'm eighteen, remember?" And I did. Vividly. I remembered her going non stop about how she was an adult now, how this fall a new journey would await her in college, on top of that an Ivy League one. She had her whole future planned, she knew what she wanted to be, what she wanted to do, what she wanted to be remembered for. And more. So much more. God, I wished it was me in her place instead. If only.
"But, they should go with you, Amber. I know you'll never admit it, but you need some sort of support. I can bunk off school, come with you."
She stilled for a moment, before cracking out a small smile, lighting up her features. "Nice try, Nicola. You're not getting out of education that easily. Be here, three fifteen, sharp. Or I leave without you." But, she never did, all the countless times I was late by twenty sometime, thirty minutes, she was always there, waiting. Maybe not the happiest, but she never left.
If I didn't go now, I know for a fact that I won't have the courage to do what I had to do, in order to save her life. I guess, I had to live school days as it came to me and tackle it from there. With my hand on the car door, slightly I pushed it open, before stopping. "Should we do something after school? Maybe head down to that new ice cream bar that just opened." Momentarily, her face flashed with surprise. Was I really that antisocial? "What?"
"Nothing, it's just I always proposition you, it's never the other way round."
That can't be true. "That's not true."
Ripples of laughter came from her parted lips. "Well, you obviously don't know yourself well enough. But since you asked, it'd be a delight. Who's paying?"
Embarking out of the silver car, I bent down until I was in her line of vision again. I couldn't help but smile, this was one of the things I missed the most. Believe it or not, the teasing. "You, of course."
She rolled her eyes, all while a smile tugged on her lips. "Of course."
****
Lessons dragged on, until it came to a full stop. Aimlessly I was searching for any signs that spirit hopefully would give me. The clock to check for any unusual patterns, notice boards for anything that hinted even a slither of a message. Nothing. Continuously, I had to drag my feet, but also my mind, my sanity. I didn't have long and I wasn't anywhere closer to figuring out what I needed to do. A lot depended on me, Amber depended on me.
The gray bricked cafeteria walls always looked rusted and old, for as long as I'd been here, nothing changed. Nothing ever changed. The same impassive faces. The same hurt faces. The same grieving faces, that I never knew I'd fall into. Those same walls that I hated so much, gave me stability during her chemo and boundless tests, seeing her pain repeatedly wasn't something I wanted as familiarity. It wasn't something I wanted to get used to.
"Nicola, hey." Luke's eyes met mine and I ran up to him, faster than I knew my legs could move. I jumped into his open arms, hearing his deep chuckled soothed me more than I thought it ever could. Then I remembered what happened after Amber was pronounced dead, her funeral. I cried and cried and I pushed Luke away. Further and further until I broke up with him. I hated myself for that, I could remember how selfish I was being by ending it with him. Someone that tried so hard with me and I threw him out like he was cheap trash. I guess I could blame it on my grief. But usually you attach yourself to your loved ones during hard times, right? Then why was I the opposite? Why was I always the opposite of what I wanted to be. Happy, carefree, lively. Instead I got depressed, reserved, mood-killer. What was it about me that I wasn't hardwired the same way normal people were?
What's fishing about in that beautiful mind of yours?" I looked up, only to lock onto piercing blue eyes with my boyfriend, Luke. Those flashing memories plagued me again as I relived when I broke up with him after her death, he looked so heartbroken. He begged for me to let him in, let him help me through this. But I couldn't. Whatever was going through my thoughts then wasn't his baggage to carry. But now looking back on it, maybe I should have let him help, maybe it would have been easier and didn't have to resort to more than one broken heart. Maybe.
He was shifting next to me on the vacant seat, pushing a cookie in front of me. I looked down at the cookie, then back up into his mesmerizing blue orbs. He was so kind, so patient, so loving. How could I have possibly given him up? "I know what always cheers you up. Chocolate chip." It was chocolate chip and he was right, it did cheer me up. "Where's your food?" Stored in my locker, despite it being prepared by my sister and she always knew what I wanted, exactly on the days I wanted it. And considering, I had no clue how cook, she took it upon herself to help me, once again. But, my appetite failed me, my full concentrate should be on her, not food.
"In my locker." But I felt so guilty that I couldn't even look him in the eyes.
He frowned. "You're not going to get it out? I can go for you, if you would like?"
"No, Luke. It's fine."
"Okay." He paused, respecting my decision, still with a prominent scowl on his face. "Can you tell me what's going on, ever since what's happened with your sister, you've been so closed off. I'm trying to be patient, really I am. But I don't think you understand how much it affects me, why won't you let me in?"
My breath hitched in my throat. It was true, ever since the scans and tests that I remembered she'd go through, I pushed him away. Further and further each and every passing day. I guess I felt that this had to be something I fought on my own, that it was my battle not his and in some ways I still felt that way. "I'm sorry. And I promise you I'll try, I'll try for you."
His frown lifted into a tender smile. "That's all I ask for, you know. Just let me help you." His lips pressed onto mine. I returned it.
Luke wasn't a bad person, in all honestly I knew he waited for me but it ended up in me breaking it with him. Yet, I didn't feel guilty then, there were much greater things to deal with. But now, that same guilt was eating me alive. "Luke, you know I love you, right? I really do, but these things, you know me, I have an overwhelming urge to fight it alone and finish it alone. It has nothing to do with you, you are not to blame."
"I know that. But being here, seeing you hurt. Makes me hurt twice as more and that's a pain I can't bare. Whatever it is, you need to learn to share it with me." Maybe this time, I will. I nodded, he placed another kiss to my lips. "I love you. Nicola, you can't be brave and emotionless all at the same time. It takes bravery to show emotion." He pushed the rest of his plastic contained lunch towards me. "If you don't want yours, you can have mine. I can't risk my girl going hungry."