*
"Alright, that's good to hear. You're strong after all. Even if we've exhausted that assassin's Oblivion Magia, we were too scared of her memory wipe to get into close range. As expected, she knew about it and was trained really well at dodging projectiles. For someone who defeated them alone, you're very strong after all. " (Gerald)
"... Even if I'm only a B grade? "
Her eyes widen slightly and she gave a sneaky but bright grin with her mature face. Her long ruby coloured eyelashes fluttered, painting the air with a bright red as she spoke.
" Does it matter? You can beat them can't you? " (Gerald)
I was not afraid of the assassin magical girl, because my memories had been wiped once. I was confident that if she wiped them a second time, I'll break her neck off mid wipe or continue the fight after. Was it suicidal? No, despite not remembering the name of my skills and techniques, the words came to my mind naturally and body moved comfortably.
What I knew about my own body was not something I could write down as theory, it was actually an insignificant but tacit feel of the limits of my body. It felt like I was invincible, it felt like with all the muscle memory and magical particle control this body could exercise, I could clearly see that the enemy had lower combat capabilities. It was an unspoken feeling like I was looking at a bounty target to kill, one entirely within my ability to kill.
It was as if she was below me, absolute confidence permeated my mind and body at that time. There was no hesitation in my movements and attacks, just clean execution of techniques and the annihilation of her body.
"Yeah. I want to kill every single one of them. As long as this body... As long as Kaori allows me, I won't stop moving."
"... Stupid... Well, I guess that is the same as well..." (Gerald)
" Huh?"
"Nothing related. Anyway you are strong. And you are important. So please take care of yourself. " (Gerald)
Despite the fact she was talking to me, it seemed even her eyes were looking at somewhere distant as she spoke. This confidence she has in me... Is because of Kaori. Even if I decide in my mind that I want to forge my own identity and fill my blank slate with colour, people will see me as Kaori no matter what. I wonder, what will happen if I meet more people who knew Kaori? Just how will my heart react? I can't tell, but this anxiety and fear holds an iron grip on my heart, its weight burdening it.
Even if Gerald were to praise me, it would feel empty if it was directed towards the Kaori from before. Right now... I suppose I don't even have my own name. I am stuck. Trapped in this mind numbing situation. It's as if a few incessant buzzing sounds were crowding around my head. Day and night, this problem will persist for the rest of my life. For I cannot take the place of what is not me.
We began to head back towards the Rising Knight Order base. Apparently Myuu and Gerald had only arrived recently, because they also had some trouble hunting the second boss at their territory. Similarly to how we had to fight the assassin after the dragonoid, they also had 2 strong enemies. Though we took more time since ours could conceal herself and hide properly.
Whether it was a sick joke by fate or a misguided pity, Myuu would recount her time with Kaori every night before we slept. It was clear what she was trying to do. It was also heart rending. For both her futile and desperate struggle and my sanity. I... Know that I was a mistake. Something that should not have happen. But what can I do about it? Everyone wants Kaori back. What about me? I know she can't come back, the memories were erased not sealed. They've been reduced to dust. Memories were patterns of signals in the brain, and those signals cannot be recreated without godlike power.
"Hey Gerald."
We were taking our time to walk our way back as I needed to get used to the scenery. I needed to familiarise myself with these surroundings so that I know my way around better.
"Hmm? What is it?" (Gerald)
She spoke with raised eyebrows, almost as if there was a visible question mark on her head. Her face was mature yet cute, her vibrant Ruby red hair really stood out in the city, but she didn't care much about concealing it.
"What if... What if I don't want my memories back? What will you guys do then? "
She turned her head back to facing the front as she closed her eyes in deep thought. Her smile faded into a poker face but she completely kept her composure. Has she dealt with similar cases before? Maybe I'm not the only one with memory lost, so I'm not even unique anymore on that front. I'm just a nobody.
"... Well, if that's the case then we can't force you. It'll really suck for Myuu though. Even you can tell right? She loves Kaori a lot. It would be troublesome now for you to cut down our combat potential, so would you mind not telling anyone else about this?" (Gerald)
She spoke that last bit in an icy cold tone. Despite the wording it wasn't a request at all, more like it was an order. Realistically I was the one with the upper hand here, since I could divulge this devastating information at any time. It showed that perhaps Gerald was a little desperate to keep this under wraps. Well, it wouldn't benefit me in any way. This pain, they can't understand it so why bother burdening them?
".... I don't think I could even say it to her without feeling guilty anyway."
"..."
An endless solitude is where this kind of pain resides. Even if someone else suddenly had memory loss, it would just seem like a sick joke played by god. It wouldn't feel like I gain a comrade, it would feel more like another tragedy had occurred. How do I crawl out of this abyss? Pragmatically, moving on seems like the best option. To forget about it and do something else. After all, once an event comes to pass, nobody would remember it unless brought up. If I pretend nothing happen, it'll be as if Kaori is still here with them.
When we reached the building, it seemed like the lights in the office were off. But distant blinking and flaring could be seen on the roof. Nodding to each other, me and Gerald jumped up from the ground floor, before landing on the roof railing. What we saw before us was a heavy mix of various colours as a cheery atmosphere permeated the air. Sounds of laughter and sadness resound over the rooftop as a sea of chatter blocked out the usual natural ambient noises.
In the centre was multiple rows of tables with food and beverages, and for some reason wherever Palmicia went the crowd would part away. Apparently they had their own little hierarchy where those at the bottom were called knights or apprentice knights for the interns, and those higher would be Knight leaders then Knight captains. At the top was Vice Knight commander, Palmicia and Knight commander, Freya.
Apparently it was a regular occurrence for their commander to get kidnapped by the Eye God where they would spar in their little dimension, before Freya inevitably breaks out and runs away. The time spent in this duration was actually Frey's attempts to kill the Eye God, she could escape at any time but not without trying countless times before giving up.
They were moving at ultra high speeds, so what may seem to be a few days would feel like a year for Freya. Since they found it impossible to kill the Eye God, it began looking more like play dates. Such was the fate of those below the level of God magical girls. Even though Freya was improving rapidly and quickly approaching it, she was still toyed with each time. She describes it as the Eye God's deliberate attempts to humiliate her, at least that was all she told Palmicia.
The rest were happily eating away. I suppose this was a farewell for us, even though I've only spent 2 days here. I still can't remember the names of most of these employees. All I could remember were the names of my 'friends', and I didn't remember them explicitly, they just come up when I speak what feels natural to my tongue and throat. From repeatedly doing that, I've begun to remember the minimum I suppose. Gerald and Myuu. The pink haired girl is... Pa...ridia...
Gerald's vibrant red hair makes her easy to remember, and I suppose she was the first person to make me smile. Myuu was the person that this body makes me feel extremely happy when I see, she was the one who was the most important to Kaori. Everyone's eyes have hints of the colour of their aura, like because we've infused so much magical particles into our eyes to see faster during battle and aid our visual acuity. While mine was dark purple, Gerald had black, Myuu had mint green and Paridia was a mix of red, yellow and blue.
I didn't have any particular trouble communicating with others. It was just that I sometimes ask questions that may indirectly hurt them. It was out of curt ignorance, and when I look further into it, selfishness as well. I was only considerate of my own thoughts, but when I saw someone else being hurt by my words as I get confused over what I said wrong, I begin to pay more attention to other people. I don't want others to get hurt because of me. I don't want them to feel the pain one feels when they are not acknowledged as a person.
I've also noticed that I have this... Feeling of restlessness when I'm not around Gerald. Even though she said so much about me being strong, I couldn't get the beauty of her movements out of my head. During that spar, it felt like I was clashing against something foreign. Unlike the assassin who's skills I knew about due to the discussion about my memories, I didn't know much about Gerald's skills.
It felt very different and very unique from the assassin as Gerald gracefully mixed short range and long range combat to limit my options. It felt like I was being cornered systematically, it was such an elegant way of fighting that I wanted to see more. I admired it and thought she was really strong, was this... A sense of security? Ah, I blushed from thinking too much about this. She had already moved away while I continued to daydream!
I compile my thoughts once more. I want to be strong and beautiful at the same time, similar to Gerald but with my own type of beauty. If I could fulfill it, I suppose I want to be strong enough to protect her. My objective morphs along the way, but this ever-changing feeling of my heart is all that I can call my own. From pain to admiration, from admiration to determination.
Shaking my mind off of these troublesome things, I approached Myuu with a wry smile hers blossom like a beautiful spring flower. Golden brown hue of autumn leaves like hair shook in delight with her short twintails as she took my hand.
"Née Kaori, have you tried this meatball yet? I know you love meat, but you wouldn't overdo them either. Let's try out some of the various types laying around!" (Myuu)
Her cute little nose complimented childish yet mature aura. She didn't have a mature face like Gerald, but she had mature mannerisms paired with her cute face, it was like the opposite of Gerald who held such a mischievous aura. She manage to make herself not look too forceful while taking me along with her flow, as if she was a gentle boat in a fast flowing river. Regular tidbits of the past would slip through, such as 'our' hobbies and things we like or dislike. Though I am mentally exhausted from her fervour of the past Kaori, I do sometime find wonder in her accounts of Kaori. Just a little bit though. I wonder if I was anything like her.
Sometimes she would forget I was an amnesiac and I would play along. Acting like I remembered the events they went through or some other interest I once had. She would quickly realise and apologise for it and I would just as quickly brush it off. For some reason, even if I felt like these feelings were forced onto me by Kaori's body, I still want to make Myuu happy. Because from what I've seen, it was what she wants for Kaori. As the new owner of the body, it felt like my duty.