*
"Nee~ Myuu. Let's go back."
"... I won't hold back with my words anymore. You sure you don't want to hunt that other one down? Even though we're weakened, we could take her on together.
She isn't as much of a monster as her teammate was. It's entirely possible, a basic preparatory tool like a magical particle supply pack is easy to procure. I have one. "(Myuu)
She held a stoic expression, it was so different from her usual cheery mood that the serene atmosphere made it seem like her enthusiasm would explode out of her at any moment, casting everything away as a joke. It seemed as if that was true, that if I hesitated she would recover the atmosphere in a split second and pretend it didn't happen for the sake of our relationship. I've already told her that I was a guy on the inside, I've probably mentioned about my own childish dreams in one of our lunch breaks.
I held the outmost respect for her, for supporting herself and one more with her own sheer will and effort. It was clearly not something I could pull off. Certainly not now that I physically can not go through with it. What did 'it' mean? 'It' meant supporting my mother, she's gone. Though we weren't that close, that was due to my own social aversion to other individuals. With it clearly stemming from my first year of middle school, my new class in the second year wasn't that much better.
Was it simply easier to pick on loners? It's not like I asked for it, I was just scared. My fear took hold over the 'normal' priorities, whatever that meant. It felt like being 10s of metres under water, you need oxygen and so you want to swim up. But in order to swim up, you need to exert energy and that tires you out, the very consequence of getting tired out being that you sunk lower into the water than you were at before. This analogy may not be entirely true, what was important was those feelings that took hold.
The drowning pressure of the column of water above you, the utter desperation in the body's urge to surface being hindered and the worsening damage from the passage of time. The growing isolation didn't help, what little crumb of pity was even pushed away by my own hands due to the awkwardness. I lost the ability to communicate. Shutting everything out was the least painful way to live. No matter what, I could not bear the thought of dying, so taking my own life never came anywhere near my conscious. What I thought was 'Ah, isn't being isolated the same as being dead. I'm not treated any differently.'
Letters were sent to my home address from the school, the contents obvious but futile regardless. That's because my parents didn't have the time they discarded whatever letter they saw related to my school and fully focused on work. Were they having such fun lives outside home? I was left to my own devices, sure I resented and didn't want to interact with my old friends. But that didn't mean I also completely disregarded my studies. It was much more of a pain, but home study was adequate for passing my tests.
I made it to the third year, the days continued the same as always like the second year. I was what people would call a 'NEET'. The one that's stuck at home all day and never leaving the house kind. The only difference was that the teacher had changed. Some students had changed. This teacher was quite kind perhaps, maybe they felt good about themselves by trying to salvage my predicament. It was the only good memory retained in my memories, yet horrible, far too horrible. She gave aid when I expressed doubts in my learning. This took place when I was at home, I arrived in school in the first place to obtain a way to contact her, so I could ask her questions when at home.
It was an odd situation where I only came to school to take tests and go back home, the results were mailed back. They were average, maybe higher. I'm sure reaching As and high Bs were quite normal for that basic syllabus. It was graduation day. I had hesitated thoroughly, deciding if I should attend to it. As such, I arrived a little late and was walking through the many corridors leading to the main hall. It was only a short distance away from my feet, the principal's office at the side.
Thinking about it now, it was quite strange I could hear through the door so clearly. It should have been more muffled, but the state of my mind wasn't exactly ideal.
"How did it go? Did you convince the principal?"
"Easiest pay raise ever. Just a year in and coaxing a problem child with sweet words and lowered results was enough. Was that student really such a pain? He was incredibly gullible, it was free cash from that naive principal."
"Tch, not anyone's as sly as you. Lowering their results and completely altering the tests marking scheme... You put in way more effort than the others who let time raise their pays. It even resulted in a child who could barely be admitted into better schools. "
" Eh. Just one of many in the world. Not like going into a better school would decide that child's future. But hey, I got more cash out of my monthly income now. "
"... At least treat me to a meal or something, covering for you was tough."
The next day, a car crash was reported in my local news. It was that very same teacher. It wasn't done by myself, maybe it was karma or some other magical girl. All I knew was that my stomach went nauseous with disgusts by the interviews of that teacher's close friends and family. Speaking about his bright future and all, the principal even mentioned about a certain 'problem child'. My immediate reaction was just to turn off the television. I had no energy nor will to throw and damage a controller over a dead person. How was I suppose to feel then?
The sheer shock simply made me forget. I had forgotten. No, I just didn't want to remember it. So I pretended to be 'normal' to get past it , to get past my past, and slowly over time get used to being 'normal' in high school. My parents had faith in me, sometimes they would write letters in the morning and leave it on the table. Perhaps they believed I was strong and could recover on my own. Perhaps they truly thought I was perfectly fine and enjoyed life in that constricting home. Home was both my safe space and a restrictive space.
Me finding the outside more unpleasant didn't made home much better, just slightly where there were no judging eyes. In its own way, it had become a prison, especially if it was so lonely. I don't understand how it got to that. Did I have to threaten suicide like those emo kids so I could get attention? I could never do it, nor could I talk about killing myself to my parents. It felt wrong. I wanted to live, I didn't want to bind them like how I was. So it just went on, perpetually passing through time like a leaf gently gliding down.
I see. Nothing went wrong. It was just unfortunate the great disaster got to them. I have no one left but myself to value, that I overvalued myself. Unlike Myuu who still has her mother to protect, I am free of all chains except the ones set up by myself. I should return the favour. I should move on from the past. It was only after the battle, Myuu and I got caught up in a small skirmish ourselves and returned to my apartment exhausted.
Hours passed by in silence, she was the first to wake up. It was normal to panic when awakening under an unfamiliar ceiling, her limbs shivered as she went into a sitting position above the soft bed cushions. Her movements caused the bed to tremble and stimulate the springs under, her mind quickly recalling the things that happened before she fell asleep.
"mhhh~..."
Letting out a small groan, the slight noise of the bed had caused me to awake. It felt like I was finally free from a long dream. Unlike Myuu, I was on the ground. The remnants of my outdated and fading male conscious decided that it was too bothersome to think, just laying on the floor should be good enough. Well, that was before I fell asleep after dragging Myuu's body onto the bed. After, there was an odd sense of nostalgia from the ground permeating my mind.
Still laying on the ground, I brought my right palm to my face and grasped my fingers with it by curling it into a shabby fist. Feeling the texture of my skin from my fingers and palm as they made contact, I rubbed their surfaces together as if affirming the fact that I was alive. An odd melancholic feeling dwelled within me, but I paid it no heed and it slowly went away.
"Hey Myuu. You've been helping me non-stop. Have I been selfish?"
"... That's unfair!... , you can't just say that now! After all we've been through, it would make everything pointless if you stopped being selfish." (Myuu)
"I cannot understand... And I don't know what to do about that."
"Hey. Your dream. It's got to do with something like a hero right? Usually heroes don't think about themselves too much, they constantly think about others. That's why they need friends to help them too. That' s why you should stop putting your own life in danger everytime.
I can't help but notice it. You're just a dumb kid. Who wouldn't want to run away after seeing scary magical girls and terrifying monsters? You are fucking weird. It's not normal at all. "(Myuu)
"...."
At this point, no one dared to make eye contact. Her who was sitting on the bed, and I who was laying on the ground. From when I started the conversation, I was already too ashamed to face her in the eyes. Why? It might have just been that, I already knew. I knew that I didn't believe my own words. I don't actually care if I was selfish or not. I already knew, and I would continue to do so. I wanted to fulfill both my dream and stay alive. To be honest, it's too difficult. It was better to stick with one to the end. A life of peace? Or danger?
Was I staking all of it on Myuu's decision? How awful.
"Nee~ Myuu~. I want to both fulfill my dream and stay alive. Is that impossible?"
"Well, you have to first tell me what that dream is. Tell it to me as clearly as possible and no vague answers." (Myuu)
Covering my eyes in shame with my left hand, I uttered the words that I've kept for 3 years.
"I want to be a magical girl."
"Who do you want to be a magical girl for? And why?" (Myuu)
"I want to be a magical girl for myself, then everyone. I want to be someone that everyone can rely on, an existence that brings relieve and safety."
".... Never doubt your own greed, always be aware of your own limitations. One limitation of yours is that you can't escape responsibilities. Now tell me. Are you selfish or not? "(Myuu)
" Yeah, I am. And I will continue to be so, for my dreams and everyone else's dream."
It had been a while, a smile finally adorned itself on Myuu's face. Her fierce eyes gently mellowed down into a satisfied expression.
"That's a good answer. You should brace yourself for it. Even if it has already begun." (Myuu)
"Un. I will."
I think I can finally move on. There was always a sense of uneasiness in this topic. It was naive, to keep putting it off until the last second will only cause myself to be distracted in battle. To pretend not to notice, even back then my parents had cared for me in their own way, just to make it less painful to think about it. I wonder now, would they be proud of me? I hope they would, their son had become a great magical girl and survived harsh battles. It was finally time to put the past behind me, now that the future looked so bright it was dazzling.