Sometimes, I wonder if I have been a good person, at least once in my life. Have I been a good lover? A good wife? A good mother? Have I taken care of my daughter properly? Does she love me? Or does she hate me? More so than often, I still question myself to this day...Have I changed? Have I become better than before? Have I learned to put my feelings first over others? And have I done enough to atone to my sins?
Tell me God, have I?
It's been a long time since I've peacefully slept without having that recurring nightmare over and over and over again.
Even right now, I'm back there. At that very moment. Cheerful laughter everywhere around. Gushing water near an overflowing river across my hometown, on the way to school. We were supposed to go to school but decided to take a detour. We were just kids back then. Just not the usual kind.
"Come on Rinnichi, it's your turn."
"Eh? What? It's my turn already?"
"Come on, don't sulk around. You're being a bad example to everyone around here."
"Rin! Rin! Rin!"
I remember I took that jump into that icy cold water. For a moment, my body went numb. I couldn't feel anything at all. But somehow, I made it back to the surface, to be welcomed by cheers and applause.
"Wo-hooo!"
"You're the best. No one can come close to you."
"Oi!"
Except for her.
"Don't you think you're getting ahead of yourself?"
"Sorry, ma'am!"
"And even you too Rinko, just because I was running a bit late, it doesn't mean that you can take all the limelight for yourself."
"I suppose it's fine every once in a while."
"Hooo...Interesting, is that so? Then let's see if you can top this..."
The hot-headed girl just ran and jumped on the rails and flew higher than anyone else, even further than I mustered the courage to do and...BAM! SPLASH!
She hit the water hard, and yet she seemed to return back to the surface unharmed, raising her arm with a sign of victory. There's no way I could keep up with her without worrying about the repercussions of my whole life, and the plans I had in-store ahead. This was our life. Simple, and peaceful. We were happy. We just wanted to go on forever. However, fate was a cruel trickster. Just as he showed you the moments of joy, you seldom realize that it's the last Hurrah, until it's too late. And so did I. Even now, I'm trapped in this nightmare.
"Hey, don't you think the water levels increased?"
"I wonder if he's ok?"
"Yumiko! Where is he?"
"I...I don't know...He...he must have hit the sure...surely..."
I ran across the bridge and stumbled down. I was in a state of frenzy. I just wanted this joke to end. That was the first time I ever prayed to God.
"Please, save him. Please..."
I could hear a faint voice in that typhoon.
"Rinko...Rinko...Ri.....Rinko..."
"Takio!"
Move, you stupid legs. MOVE!
SOMEONE, SAVE HIM!
PLEASE! SAVE HIM!
...
"Rinko...Oi, Rinko!"
"Huh?"
I back to the present. I seem to have startled my husband. I was sweating intensely. I needed some air.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah...I guess..."
I clung onto my husband, Takumi.
"You seemed to be in pain...Did you have that nightmare again?"
I didn't respond. I couldn't. I wanted to say something but the words just wouldn't come out. I just buried my face deep in his chest, as he patted me down to regain my composure. This wasn't the first time something like this happened, but still, sometimes I feel I'm grateful that I have him, who has the patience to put up with this farce.
"Look, I told you right? Don't push yourself too much. You're still recovering."
"Nothing...It's just...I'm used to it."
"Still, I can't have you be like that. What would you do if things turned out for the worse?"
"Don't worry, as long as you're around, everything will be fine."
"You're still gonna put up with that act?"
"Why? Do you hate that? The fact that I can't be the wife that I used to be?"
"It doesn't bother me. I told you right, I'll love you no matter what kind of person you are."
"Hmm...The timing is right, but the emotions just don't play out as desired."
"Sorry, but I can't meet up with your standards."
"You should learn from Nao...He's a natural..."
As soon as those words, the room went quiet for a moment.
"Sorry, I guess I ruined the mood."
"Don't be. I understand. That's why..."
He let out an exasperated sigh!
"I sometimes hate myself. To be of no help to you, even in these situations...I ain't cut out to be your husband, am I?"
"If that's a joke, then I think it's one of the best ones you delivered till now. But, in all honesty, I'm thankful to you. For giving me such a life, and such a doting daughter."
"And yet, you don't plan to change your stance. You are determined to see through it till the end, right?"
"You know, I wish you hated me at this moment. Resented me for my decision. And push me to change it, and then give up on me. But sadly, that isn't the case."
"That's because, I am not the right person, am I?"
"I guess so."
He finished checking me up and put me down to sleep.
"I'll finish my work and get home soon."
"Take care."
"Hey Rinko, you mind me asking something?"
"What is it?"
He had his back towards me. That itself indicated the seriousness of the situation.
"Have you not forgiven yourself? For what happened?"
I didn't give him a reply. He waited for a moment, and then went away.
That was a simple answer. I haven't and I couldn't. There's no way I could have. To not fail once, but twice. I wanted to fix up things between me and Nao, and make up for my shortcomings but...
"Uwackkkk!"
Unfortunately, I don't think I have much time left.
I'm sorry Nao!
I'M SO SORRY!