It's been a while since me and my daughter have looked in the eye. Ever since she's been aware of it, she has kept her distance from me, and started to be a responsible and independent human being. Even though on the surface, she's a spoilt child with a tarnished reputation, at the heart of it, she's still the same old girl.
Though with time ticking, and the sand running out, I don't think I'll have any more chances to rekindle the relationship we once had. I wish I could go back to those days when she was just a kid. I wanted to embrace her in my arms again. I guess I was in that phase, of holding onto those dear memories and just wishing time stood still.
AM I DYING?
That depends on what's death. How would you define death as? I'll leave that to your own thoughts. To me, death is part of the cycle of life. And yet, it's something I don't want to adhere to, if possible. Silly, right?
I chuckled at my own thoughts.
I'm over 40 years now. I've had my fair share of life. I've had a good upbringing, had a best friend that stuck with me through thick and thin, have seen her become a mother and have a family of her own. Meanwhile, I've had my fair shares of joy and grief. But amidst the chaos and turbulent winds in this world, the one light that shone upon me bright during the murky days was my dear daughter. Yukiko Harumi.
She was my pride and joy, and to this day, she is my purpose of living. And yet, I had to leave her behind. My days are numbered. From years to months, months to days, days to hours, hours to minutes, minutes to seconds....so on and on and on, time slipped away like the sand that one held in their own palm.
I worry sick about her. Even though she's going to turn 19 soon, the fact that I might not be around, scares me to death. Who will take care of her if I were to disappear? Who would shoulder her burden without having any expectations in return? Who'd love her unconditionally, as I do? I'm scared of leaving her alone. Even if she's a prodigy, even if she's a generational talent, even if she's an adult who can take care of herself, she was still my child. My one and only child! MY ANGEL!
I wanted to have some more time with her. See her prim and proper as an adult. Watch her fall in love and be a wife, and then a mother. I wanted to see her as a parent. But life has other plans, and now, I'm just a bystander of a train that's going off the tracks.
I wanted someone to be there for her. And then, I found him. I thought I did, but I failed again! And now, he's a shadow of his past. I can barely recognise him. And so does he.
I was powerless back then, blinded by the relationship I held with his mother, my best friend. But I was wrong to stay put and watch the theatrics as they went ahead. I should have moved my body, instead of just spitting out empty words like I did back then. Maybe then...Maybe things would have been different. No, definitely things would have been different.
If anyone fucked it up badly, it was me. But it's too late to say sorry now. And I think, as a compensation for my mistakes, I'm on death bed. Still, even now, i hold a glimmer of hope that he'll return, and ask for my daughter. And when he does, I can joyfully hand her over to him, and then give them my blessings, and fade away into oblivion.
That's all I had thought of. But things change at a faster pace than you could ever imagine. And it was when I got that call, I knew that we were at a place we could never return to....
Yuki-chan's calling? That's a surprise, she never called me lately.
"Mom?...Mom!"
I could hear her grasping for breath, as if she was suffocating. I feared for the worst right in a moment.
"Yuki-chan? What...What happened?"
I was struggling for breath. Coughing back and forth.
"Mom! It's.. It's Nao...He's... He's..."
"Nao? What about Nao?! Tell me."
"Ugh! I...I don't know how to tell you but he's...he's acting weird all of a sudden. I'm scared!"
"What do you mean he's acting weird? Tell me. Give me the details."
"I'm scared. He's...He's not acting like himself! I don't know what to do?"
"Ugh! Where? Where are you right now?"
"Huh? I'm at my school. But why? Don't tell me you're coming here. You're out of your mind!"
"Then why did you call me? It's because you're helpless right now, isn't it? Tell me honestly. Put out the facts! I have no time to idle around."
I could hear someone shouting in the background.
"Yuki-chan! Who? Who was that? Was it, Nao? Tell me..."
I could feel the panic in my voice before the call cut
"Agh!..."
"Yuki? Yuki!"
I hurriedly got up, grabbed the near clothes, put on my jacket, took the emergency pills, and called out for a cab.
I hurriedly rushed in and gave the driver the address of my destination. I asked him to speed up relentlessly. I couldn't let it happen again. I couldn't bear to live in that moment again. I'd rather die. The gushing water, the staircase, everything popped back in my head. By the time I reached the school, there had already been a huge crowd of people flocking around. I made my way through them to the furthest end, where I could see what was going on.
And finally, I met her again. She gave me a
disdained look before speaking to me.
"You're late as ever, Rinko."
She was calm and composed, without an emotion on her face. She completely caught my attention for a moment. I was only focused on her. Noticing that she moved away and showed me the grand spectacle that had pulled everyone in.
I dropped down on my knees. I couldn't believe it. If this was a dream, then I'd wake up this very instant.
She knelt down and whispered in my ears:
"Look carefully Rinko. THAT'S WHO NAO IS! MY NAO!"