"Were you serious about marrying me?"
Was I serious about marrying her?
Was I?
That's a bizarre question to be asked all of a sudden. And honestly, I don't think that's a question that needs to be answered. Why? Because it's not something you can be certain about. You always go back and forth. Can you really assure a person about promises you're not even sure you could live up to?
I could answer her question honestly right at that moment. But without being aware of the consequences my answer could lead up to, that's not a gamble worth taking. Plus, lately, I'm not even certain about my own feelings anymore.
Whatever I do, lately, I'm not even sure why. I'm lost. I want to be found. I want a place to return to. I want a person to hold me tight when I return to. That's what I want. That's what I wanted. That's what I needed all this time. But with every passing day, I knew that it was fading away.
"Pfft!"
I let out a chuckle.
She held my hand tightly. She wanted a serious answer.
If there was a person I could never lie to, it was Sakura. It always was like that. The relationship between us. I could always confide my feelings to her. And she would earnestly listen to me, and sometimes just tell stuff, irrespective of whether it was the harsh truth or whether it was just an overcomplicated thought. We were always truthful to each other.
I lifted her hand and pulled her close to me, and then together, we both fell down flat on the mattress. We were looking at each other.
"Turn around."
"Why? What are you going to do?"
"Just turn around!"
She was reluctant at first but later turned around.
I tossed a blanket over us.
I pushed myself a little closer and hugged her from behind.
"Hey, what are you doing?!"
"Don't talk. Just listen to what I say."
I took a deep breath.
And I hugged her tight.
"At the beginning, when I met you for the first time, I was certain that I never wanted to do anything with you. And I was certain that you also had the same hostility towards me for that reason. But over time, things changed and we grew closer, closer than ever. But at that moment, we crossed a line we were never supposed to cross that hurt Yuki-nee. That's how you felt. I was sure. Because to you, Yuki-nee is the one person you could never hurt. That's why you deserted me. That was not the only reason, but it was still a major one. Isn't that right?"
She nodded her head.
"But I never felt that. I wanted you. I needed you. You had given m,e a warmth that I never felt, and that I could never live without. I wanted that feeling to be there every day. I wanted to be embraced by that feeling! And yet, I couldn't hold onto it. You wouldn't be able to comprehend the despair I would have felt at that time. The pain in my heart! The rage! The fury! The despair I had over my own self. But in reality, I was scared!"
She was surprised and tried to take a look at me.
"Don't! Don't turn around!"
"Why?"
"I don't want you to see me in this state! Not when I'm weak and sob out a few tears like a little girl. Not when I'm human."
She understood my rash behavior and pulled my arms closer to her.
"You were scared, weren't you?"
"I was scared. Really scared. Every day when I slept, I would think it would be my last day. And when I would wake up another day, I wouldn't know what do I really have to feel. Should I've been happy that it was still me, or should I've been afraid that death hadn't still chosen me? I wanted to be remembered. I wanted to be loved. I wanted you! I wanted you then! But now..."
I paused for a moment and slowly started moving away from her. She noticed it and held me tight. She didn't let me go.
I tried to force my way out but she refused to let go of me. I was in no mood to have a quarrel at this point since I was the one that wanted her to listen to what I had to say, so it was my duty to end it properly.
I gave up on putting on a struggle.
"At one point, no, that's not right! Until a certain point, I wanted to live, and I wanted to be with you. I wanted to feel that warmth every single day, every single moment, as far as possible. But everything crumbled. And now, I just question myself, why am I still alive? Every day I wake up, I just think of this familiar ceiling, and the window beside my bed, and just stay there for a while."
"..."
"I just don't have a reason to live. I seem to have lost the appetite for it. I just seemed to live by each day as it was hoping that I wouldn't wake up. And then, suddenly you showed up in my life again. Could you even imagine how everything around me suddenly started to change? And then, I asked you out. Not for some cheap date or some vague relationship. But I wanted to have a serious relationship, that had a foundation and rules to adhere to. And yet, you rejected me on the spot."
She seemed to remember that moment as she suddenly flinched.
"I thought you weren't serious!"
"I think that's the best for both of us. At the end of the day, you'll leave me again. You have to. That's how it has always been. Not just you. Yuki-nee, Miku, and every other girl. That's why the answer to your question is..."
IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE!