It doesn't matter. It's all in the past. I can only look ahead. I can't look behind anymore. That's all it boils down to. Could have been? Should have been? Must have been? But? What if?....
All of these are meaningless thoughts. Dwelling upon the past is only a way to kill time. There's only till a certain point till you can look back on your actions. The more you try, the more you'll just dive down deep into this endless labyrinth of hallucinations and fantasies. You do what you do and you have to live and put up with it. There are no redos. It is true, that dwelling upon your past actions can redefine you and prevent you from making mistakes but that's only if you've stopped dwelling and started accepting them. It's only when you've started accepting your flaws, only when you've acknowledged them that you can go ahead.
I've moved past Yuki-nee. I've moved past Rinko-san. I've moved past Hina. I've moved past countless people. So, there's no reason for me to stop. True, there is no other person like Sakura, and if, no...when I lose her, it will be an irreplaceable fragment of my life. But that's how it is.
I need to distance myself from them.
That's what I told myself ages ago. And it's high time I live to what I've decided upon.
I got up from the bed and walked towards the door, only for a hand to reach out for me and stop me dead in the tracks.
"What...What do you mean by it doesn't matter?"
"It is what it is! Last time I checked your listening skills were pretty good. Did anything happen?"
"Why are you acting like this all of a sudden? Just one moment ago, you were on the cusp of breaking down, and now, you're acting cold and cynical. Like a man possessed!"
"Then maybe isn't that a hint for you to stay away from me?"
"Why won't you face me then?"
"Because I don't need to!"
She was trying to pull my body while I was trying to shrug her off, and at that moment we lost our footing and crashed down. By the time I regained my senses, I was on top of her, in a familiar manner. Though, this time, with an unpleasant memory.
Though I was back at the time when I and Sakura once were, this time all I had inside me were the memories of Hina. Slowly, I started to regain the memories of that day. It was as if a seal opened up within my head. As if I had locked it away, as a forbidden memory, it came, gushing out. I writhed in agony and collapsed.
I could hear her call out to me but her voice was faint. No, it was fading away. I quickly rolled over away from her, with whatever energy I had left within me. All I could see was an unfamiliar ceiling.
My breath was slowing down. I don't know what's going on anymore. But all I could do was
"Sakura, go away. Hurry!"
I had this unpleasant feeling within me. I just didn't want her to be near me. This was an all-familiar presence.
"Just go!"
I could hear the muffled footsteps running down the stairs. I didn't bother about what was to happen next. If this was the end, it was a pitiful end. That's for sure. But I sure couldn't complain. As this wasn't a life that belonged to me. It surely wasn't. So, I had nothing to complain, or bicker about. If this was the end, then I was ready to accept it.
"So, you're still the same miserable person as ever?"
"You're..."
"Can't believe that a soul could be this flawed."
"What are you talking about...?"
"Is this who you are?"
Is this who you are? Is this who you are? Is this who you are? Is this...who you are? Who you are...
Who are you?
Again...I'm back to square one.
My chest feels heavy.
Ugh! Leave me! Why can't you just leave me?
This was a first. Was I so annoyed? With this life? Or was it that, I was annoyed with my own self? Maybe it was a bit of everything.
The sensation of the pressure on my chest was going back and forth, in a rhythmic manner. Slowly, I started to regain my consciousness.
When I did, a girl, in tears, was pressing my chest, and giving me CPR. I could hear her. But I wasn't fully recovered. It took me a while.
And finally I opened my eyes, to see her face directly in front of me. It wasn't Sakura. Nor was it Miku. It wasn't even Rinko-san. It was only one girl, who was madly in love with me, since the time we barely even knew how to talk.
Yuki-nee!
I was on her lap. I could see Sakura. But there was no trace of anyone else. Looks like it hasn't been a while. But why? Why was she here? Why now?
"Nao..."
I could hear her faint and weak voice.
I took some time before I could respond to her.
"Why?"
"Huh?"
"Why did you bring me back? Why couldn't you just let me die? Why?!"
She was surprised at this sudden reply, that she froze. It's as if she had seen a ghost.
"Why? Just why? Why can't you just me normal for once?!"
She raised her voice. This was like the first day at school.
"I left you behind. I moved away from you. And 3 years later. I met you again. And ever since then, there's not a day I've never wished to not wake up again. And after everything was said and done, the one moment I had been praying for had finally arrived and yet, here I am. Why won't you let me die, Yuki-nee?!"
I caught her near the neck and pushed her down to the ground.
Sakura was yelling at the back. But her voice did not reach me. I was only fixated on one thing. And that was the woman right infront of me.
She only looked at me, as she struggled for breath.
"Tell me, Yuki-nee!"
WHY WON'T YOU LET ME DIE IN PEACE!