NOMAD!
A person who seldom stays at one place over a long period of time. A person who doesn't have a place to return to, always on the move, in search of something. Something elusive, something meaningful. That's who I am.
Even in such a huge world, with a place to return to, with people waiting for me to return every day and greet them, be it at school, or the arcade I hit occasionally, or the book store I stop by every month, and lately when Sakura welcomes me back to an empty and lifeless home, I still feel lost.
This isn't where I belong. It's too warm. I feel like I'm melting away. It's just a dream that I'll wake up from pretty soon. That's what I keep telling myself. Why? I don't know. Maybe, things would have been different if it was that guy, instead of me. Yes, that guy. He would know what to do. Naofumi, the one everyone adores. Well, whatever. Nothing I can do.
"If I were to describe myself as a person, that would be...In all honesty, I have no clue. I barely know who I am. I just adapt and change to the situations that bestow upon me every day. So, I can't really tell. I thought I was a Pirate! Always prepared for the ever-changing situations that are against me, but that opinion changed over time. So to answer your question, I really don't know."
One might have an opinion about themselves, but that doesn't hold the same to someone else watching you. Sometimes, you tend to over evaluate yourself, and think highly of yourself, only to be crushed by their opinion of you. And on the contrary, you could even undervalue yourself, when in fact, the folks around you think more of you than you actually do.
But that doesn't change a thing. It mustn't. If were to waver around just by people's opinion, then you are weak. Just because someone tells you that you're highly capable of something big, and label you as the next 'Bill Gates' or 'Steve Jobs', it doesn't mean that you have to take it as anything more than a compliment.
It's the same as the philosophy of a snake whisperer. Snakes don't listen to the tune played by the instrument, as they are deaf. But they sense the vibrations caused by it in the air, at the same time, reacting to the movement of the whisperer or charmer. In the end, they fall prey.
Similarly, one must just play it off. Because once that seed is planted, how you see and perceive things changes a lot. And at the end, when you screw up, and the ground collapses around you, very few appreciate the effort you put in, while many make a mockery out of you.
When you achieve, they sing your praises, saying 'I'm proud of you' and 'I knew you could do it'. All of this just so that they could be on your good side when they need you, and only to brag to their peers by saying 'I know that guy!'
And when you screw up, they pounce on you like a pack and wolves, mock you and belittle you. And that doesn't stop after a day, or two, or last for a few weeks or months. As long as you breathe, that is what you shall be remembered for. Unless you redeem yourself, you will forever suffer.
And yet, those very same people. They never try. For they are afraid to be picked up, more than being afraid of failure. You tried. You know what it feels like. The cusp of victory and the taste of defeat. You know it.
And so do I. I know about myself. I think I do. And I'm happy with that. That's why I don't need anyone else's opinion. For everyone's opinion is flawed. That's including me. If people could understand who they are, then this world wouldn't have such a drastic gap in every aspect. People could stand up for themselves, instead of being manipulated.
I'm not criticizing Doctor Harumi by any means. For he knows me about me than I know more about myself. And what he said about Yuki-nee does hold true. But that doesn't mean I can change myself. I am still a human in disguise. And for being human means getting hurt.
Just because he says Yuki-nee loves me, and she hates seeing me get hurt, doesn't mean I have to adhere to it. It's just something I need to acknowledge and just stick to my roots. Love is something that I avoid at all costs since it's the most influential tool or emotion known to humankind.
And since I can't comprehend it, I stay away from it. For, I am a very curious customer, and if I were even a bit curious about it, it's the end for me, as it is the equivalent of an infinite time loop.
As long as you know who you are, as long as you remember your roots, and as long as you have a purpose, you shall never waver, even in the toughest of conditions.
And whoever is trying to encroach that space, and torment you, and try to dismantle you, and succumb to an everlasting end of sufferings by whispering all the' sweet for nothings', keep an eye out for them. Not every person is bad, but that doesn't imply they're good. That's human nature.
Source: My Mother!
I don't think I'll need to embark on this topic any further.
"People always hold an opinion over themselves. That's what keeps them going. But maybe, it's a good thing that you don't have that. For challenging those ideals means losing your life."
I could sense some hesitation in that sentence. It felt like a haunting past was tied up to those words. I wanted to dig deeper, but I knew it wasn't my place to do so.
"If only he was like you...Maybe, things would have been different. No, it definitely would have been. Ah! Forgive me, I'm getting old. I can't seem to take in the situation around here."
I knew it. Something was haunting him. I know what it feels like.
"He? Who? The actual owner of this body, Naofumi? Or someone else..."
He stared at me seriously.
I looked away.
Silence filled the room. The atmosphere was heavy. After what felt like forever, he got up and looked at his watch.
"I got to make some rounds now. You'll be discharged in a couple of days. Until then, just rest, and don't try to flirt with any of the staff here."
"Well, rest assured, that was never my intention. So, good day to you doctor."
Doctor Harumi left the room. A few moments later, the nurse checked up on me and gave me an afternoon dose of medicines. Well, I understand what he meant from his warning. The nurse was quite friendly. It's easy for anyone to flirt around with her.
"Don't hesitate to complain about your inconvenience. Leave everything to your sister."
She patted my head and left the room. While she is friendly, I've noticed that she doesn't cross this kind of line at all. Maybe it's because she has taken care of me time and time again. So, in the end, I've been reduced to the point where even my nurse pities me, instead of having any serious feelings for me. Agh! I feel miserable.
I laid down on my bed and looked at the ceiling.
But only one thought ran through my head.
WHO IS 'HE'?
At that point, a certain individual opened the door.
MIKU?
WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?