"I'm sorry, Dina. It seems my head insists on wandering to the clouds."
I can't concentrate on anything. The scene from this morning keeps replaying in my head nonstop. Even during my afternoon lectures, the satisfaction from putting Gonzalo in his place still makes me giggle. Which is not advised for someone to do while learning how to sew right now.
"Nonetheless, please be careful to not prickle yourself, my Lady."
Learning embroidery is not that bad. I find anything related to sewing and tailoring very impressive, especially those detailed dresses for weddings. Since it is a requirement for my studies in this life, I decided to give it a try. A good try, at least.
Who am I fooling? Video games would be the perfect saviour to rescue me from this boredom. It is either embroidery, reading books, or tending to the garden. I wanted to try cooking but the maids vetoed that, it would be more of a problem to them than anything else. If I get burned someone will be fired. Literally or not, I decided not to test what Dina said.
But, how can I say this, my handkerchief is very ugly. I'm copying the image of the Novareut emblem from a book, it's a drawing of a shield adorned with a flower called violet and a panther behind it. Very impressive how that mighty cat became crippled because of my hands.
"How about some refreshments?"
"That would be wonderful, Dina. A cold one if you could?"
She bowed before leaving my room. Finally alone! My posture of a perfect lady crumbles on the chair in record time. The image I created inside this house is of a quiet and almost perfect girl. It was the best way to not draw attention from people. If the parents don't see any problems with me, then there is no need to talk to me! Until now this has worked. I also thank Amantius and Priya for being so noisy that all of the attention goes towards them.
Not going to lie here, it is tiring. But between pretending to be someone else here or back to my first life, I have already become used to it. The internet would probably label me as a compulsive liar. 90% of the words I say are lies after all. Does that bother me? It used to, but it seems I don't have any more fucks to give.
Also, who hasn't ever lied uh?
"Saint Elrise," I answer my own question.
Just how back on Earth there are religions with prophets doing miracles, this world has that too. Saint Elrise was a woman that could perform miracles and heal the most broken of souls. There is a religion based on her now, the one with the most followers in this kingdom. I didn't study too much about it, only enough to learn how it affected people's life here.
Okay, I studied because this place never had witches being burned and women have a lot more rights for what appears to be a medieval century. Priya made me do it. A female knight isn't frowned upon here and it left me gobsmacked when I first heard it.
Back to history.
Sait Elrise, while visiting places and bringing god's miracles or something, had a knight to protect her from any harm. To my surprise, that knight was her own sister and one of the first swordswomen of this world. Nowadays, there is a prayer you can do for each sister when seeking health or protection.
The only thing that left me angry was that I couldn't find Elrise sister's name anywhere. It was always: "Her Holiness the Blessed Knight" or "Saint Elrise sister."
Was her name so ugly that the church did this to her? There is no way. On the other hand, why am I so invested in knowing the name of someone who already died 300 years ago? I'm not even originally from here. That's why I dropped the history books I had been collecting with Dina's help.
Most times, I don't know why I'm still interested in anything. I know I'll die, I know what to expect after that happens again. There is no need to care about anything here.
"Excuse me, my Lady. I brought the cold lemonade."
Hmm. It's not ice-cold, but it is refreshing. Autumn is approaching quickly, but the sun and insects are still enjoying summer. I would also enjoy it very much if my clothes weren't layers of dresses.
"Also, I was stopped while coming here by the butler. Master Nathan wants you to visit his office."
I almost choke on my drink. He wants to see me? Usually, he would only talk to me during dinner. Like, wow Amaia you are growing up so fast. Or, wow you look so much like your mother. Cue to me trying to eat, wishing for instant noodles or something while smiling at him.
Dina catches me from spiralling down into all the foods I miss from home.
"It must be important. Dare I say, your engagement may be the matter for it."
Ugh, yes, this talk was coming sooner or later. Priya had this talk at thirteen and I am twelve this year. I hope this man is sensible, marrying his youngest daughter to an old man will make me try Seppuku. My fear of death is already minimal, and pain will be better than a pervert touching me, so I'm being serious here.
"Dina, help me tidy up to see him right away."
Nathan Novateur. He is a stranger to me. Since I started living in this house, that man is always working or spending time with his wife and oldest son. Priya not so much because her Knight training makes her busy all day long. Amantius is still being taken care of by Mariane, so he isn't neglected per se.
That's why the two meals a day where I'm forced to be in the same room as he always has an awkwardness between us. I can't say he is a bad father, Nathan is very attentive towards his children's needs. Since I'm just leaching on his food and money, the best thing I can do is give him and his family their moment.
Besides, when compared to my old father, Nathan at least lives with his kids.
"Let 's go Dina."
Going out of my room, the blond maid takes the lead to escort me through the many corridors. This manor was built to not only be the master house, but in case of an invasion, this spacious manor can become a fortress to protect the civilians from the two closest villages. I get lost very easily here.
We reach the destination after a few minutes of walking. The knight stationed outside announced us for the butler. This geezer is a scary capable man, the butler I mean. He doesn't accept any mistakes from the servants lightly. Feels like one of my teachers during middle school.
"Master, Madam, Lady Amaia has arrived."
Great, Mariane is here too. The two people I don't talk to at all called for me.
"Let her in."
After stepping inside the room, I do the most perfect curtsy I could manage from the little anxiety my heart is beating. I take a moment to observe the surroundings. The bookshelves are filled with books and papers with stones on top. There are two small couches in front of the office desk and a number of thin windows behind the chair Nathan is seated in, bringing in a bit of sunlight from outside.
"Please, take a seat Amaia."
The door behind me closes, Dina still outside with the butler. I nod in understanding and take the opposite couch that Mariane is sitting on. Now that I look at it, her black dress is filled with delicate embroidery at the hem of the skirt.
"I called you here to discuss your potential suitors. Your mother wanted to know your opinion about this matter before preparing a list for you."
This is unexpected. In a good way, since I'll have more control to decide with whom I'll have to live until I die. I did ask when I would die before reincarnating, but God said they couldn't tell me besides it being a few years. What are a few years to a God? Ten years? Fifty years?
If it is until this body turns 100 years old, then I want to live with someone that won't give me headaches every day. Getting pregnant? I'm still in denial about that, please check in again after some time, Mr. brain.
"Amaia, you are growing up to become a splendid woman. As a mother, I'm very confident anyone would be blessed to have you as their wife. But I also want you to be happy, and to choose the right person that will be able to do that, I need to know who comes to your mind."
Under that sea of words, Mariane is asking for my ideal type.
Hahaha... I have no idea? I never dated! There was a passing crush one year or the other, but I never got into a serious relationship. I was a twenty years old virgin when I died, whatever I know about romance and baby-making comes from movies and books.
Besides, It's hard to love someone who doesn't love themselves. Since I hate my own guts, any person who looked at me only felt pity, not butterflies inside their stomachs.
Let me just give her a vague answer.
"Someone that is close to my age, considering it will be easier to open up to them that way. With a self-resilient and amiable personality."
If we are close in age, I will be able to defend myself as we grow up, in case they are a pervert. A self-resilient person wouldn't bother me seeking support, nor my opinion on something. And please, not a jerk like Gonzalo. That guy still hasn't left my head from one interaction, I can't imagine having to live with someone like him.
Mariane stands up from the couch, the sound of her shoes makes a nice background sound for her nervous voice.
"This year's autumn ball will be held in two months. It will be your first time attending it with us. So, to make your social debut inside the nobles circles fortunate, as your mother, I'll help you exchange letters with the sons and daughters of our acquaintances. This reduces the chances of you becoming a pretty wallflower."
After circling the small coffee table in front of us, she drops the bomb on me. I can understand where she's coming from, but I want to be a wallflower! I have been given dance lessons for some time now, but dancing alone with Dina does not give me anxiety like a ball dance! I heard it from Priya, it is tiring. If the energetic sister told me it is tiring for her, it must be soul-draining for me.
I can write letters to kids any day. But attending a party only to dance, be eyed and judged by everyone is a big no for me.
And then again, as the perfect daughter I'm trying to be, not attending the autumn ball to socially debut in this noble society could affect this family. It can possibly affect Mariane badly, already having her oldest daughter being excluded from most gatherings. Her standing as Marchioness will crumble into pieces if I were to be also put on the invisible null list.
I can see that fear in her black eyes. The way she is fidgeting with one of her rings right now is more than usual. Honestly, I take pity on this woman.
"I know that Mother and Father always act in the best interests for me. I will look forward to writing the letters and attending the Autumn ball."
I mean, looking forward to numbing myself for a terrible night in the capital. At least I hope there is something better to eat there than here.
Mariane looks at her husband in search of support. After taking a deep breath to calm herself, she faces me again before saying her final thoughts.
"I will send to your room some parchment and wax for your letters. Dina will instruct you on how to properly use them, as well as this."
Taking one of her rings off, Mariane extends it to me and I take it in confusion. Since I never observed it from this close, my eyes can finally catch the details of the metal. It has a wide surface to make space for two initials, a big N and A in cursive. It must have shown in my face the puzzlement I was feeling.
"It is a ring seal for you. I kept it with me until you were fit to receive it. Do you like it?"
Wow! Then this is my wax seal? Then the nervousness earlier was because you were going to give me this? It is a bit big for me right now, but it's very well made. I presume the letters are backwards for Amaia Novareut when pressed.
"I love it. I will treasure it from now on with all my heart." I make a small bow to show her I'm sincere. Her hands have four rings left now and I have an inkling that one of them is similar to mine. Amantius still has some years to grow until he gets his.
I really liked this gift. It's not only a ring but a seal stamp! Not only shiny but also useful for me. It almost feels like two gifts. For my first piece of jewellery here, this ring can receive a ten out of ten.
"That's all I needed to know."
"You are dismissed, Amaia."
For the time being, I'll enjoy this little thread of happiness before worrying about the future. Engagement, letter writing and the Autumn celebration can all wait until tomorrow for me to overthink about. I need to show this ring to Dina first.
***
After she left the room, my legs could barely keep me up. Nathan sat me down on his sofa, his hands comforting mine. I know how detached Amaia is from us. Every time I talk to her, it feels like talking to a stranger.
"It went alright, love. She even looked happy with the ring."
He is right. That was the closest thing to a true smile Amaia had ever shown me. Alas, her discontent when hearing about the ball did not go unnoticed by me. She is a reserved child, no wonder she would hate having to attend a party.
"I need to send some letters immediately." I get up in hurry to return to our bedchamber, but Nathan grabs my arm and stop me.
"Mariane. Calm down first, that isn't so urgent."
I wanted to pull him away. He worries too much about me. If only he could also understand such restless sentiments I have.
"Nathan, dear, I need to do one thing right for that child. If that is finding someone she can happily marry, then every letter matters!"
Since birth, I could never be a good mother for Amaia. When she was still a baby, I got bedridden with sickness. Dina did what I couldn't and took care of her. After that, I felt like a failure of a mother and never approached her again. Then, Amantius was born and I focused on raising him myself. A ridiculous excuse to ease my guilt about her.
Amaia resents me, she has the right to. Of the four, she is the only one I didn't hold a hand with while growing up.
"Even if she never forgives me, I will still long for her happiness."
My husband embraced me, trying to calm my anguish. I ended crying on his shoulder to soothe my fears.