I stroked the flowers near her grave softly. They were red roses. Her favorite kind of flowers. I also brought some chocolates, skittles and Pringles. Her favorite flavor. Sweet and sour onions. She used to hug me tight and shower me with kisses every time I bought her stuff.
Earlier when she died, whenever I brought them to her grave, I would feel her presence around me. Peaceful, calm. Like she was finally free. I want to join her. I want to get out of this rotten world but not yet. I have to endure for while. I still have lives to ruin.
I sat before her grave with everything sprawled out on the green grass. I hadn't touched a single one of the snacks. I couldn't. They were all her's.
"I miss you Aera" I sobbed, letting the hot tears flow down my cheeks. "I miss you a lot. Why did you leave me? I told you time and time again that I didn't do it. I would never hurt you. You know how much I love you and yet, you still left me. We could have worked things out. I could have protected you. You should have trusted me"
I traced the words on her cold tombstone. 'Aera West. 1999 to 2015'. She died too early. Too young.
"I'm sorry. I was such a useless boyfriend. I'm so sorry. All those people, the ones who caused you pain, to think that they have forgotten about you already makes me so mad. They live their lives as if they didn't kill you. As if you mean nothing. No one talks about you anymore. Your locker has been occupied by someone else. Your house, your room... another person owns them now. It hurts so bad you know.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and it's tearing me apart. There's this pain in my heart I keep feeling. It's like I'm suffocating. I want to go back to the way things were before. I don't even know where things went wrong. We were fine. We were fine. We were 100% fine. I didn't do it. I didn't put that video online. I would never do that to you"
My eyes were hurting. I'm sure they would be red and swollen tomorrow but I didn't care. Besides, I couldn't stop the tears. My nose was running with mucus which I kept wiping with the sleeves of my uniform because I didn't have a hanky. If someone told my schoolmates that the Yamamoto Aito was a mess like this, no one would believe. I always wear a tough exterior and said the harshest meanest things. Who would think someone with a 'hard heart' like me would sit in a graveyard, bawling his eyes out.
"I'm never happy. Not since you left. I party hard, I spend time with my 'friends', I try to live a normal life but everything came crashing down on Saturday night. I met this guy called Ryu. I hate him by the way. He told me I have a black heart. That's not true right Aera? You always told me that I'm pure. That I'm not a fuckboy like Toshiro and I'm kind and thoughtful. You told me I'm your best friend and you want to spend your entire life with me. But he... he said everyone hates me. He said I'm bad and I do bad things. That I hurt other people. It's true but I can't tell him why. I know you won't approve but... I'm doing it all for you. I'm punishing those who did you wrong. Those who caused you pain. Those who made fun of you and ruined everything for us. I'm making them pay. H-He did something to me that I can't get out of my head no matter how hard I try. Should I confront him about it? ....No. I'm gonna move on like it never happened. If he tries it again, I'll beat his ass"
But then I thought of how he rendered me powerless with a single hand. I can't beat that.
"Sometimes, I don't even recognize myself Aera. The line between my true self and the one I pretend to be are getting blurred. I feel continuous hatred and resentment. I feel lonely and cold even with many people surrounding me. The pain is eating me up and I don't know what to do". I paused to take a deep breath.
"Ryu talked about karma. He said I'll wish for death once the repercussion of everything I've done starts. What he doesn't know is that, I'm already wishing for it. I've been wishing for it since you left. But... I can't leave until every single one of them pays. I can't. Or should I just abandon it all and join you?"
The place remained silent and I scoffed. "I knew you won't say a thing. You never do. You still hate me. You haven't forgiven me but I keep apologizing time and time again. I keep telling you that I didn't do it. I would never hurt you. Just say something"
Silence.
What did I expect? The dead can't talk.
I sighed then whispered; "Forgive me Aera. Please". I don't feel her presence anymore . All I feel is everlasting cold.
It was getting dark and the old man who locks the cemetery would be there to send me away soon. My mood wasn't the least better. It was as gloomy as the darkening sky but my anger had dissipated. Cold breeze blew, ruffling my hair and clothes. I grabbed my bag from the floor and silently walked away.
Aera was my first and only girlfriend. We had been dating since we were fifteen but a tragedy occurred a few days after her birthday which led to her death. I caused it. If only I had been more careful, then maybe she would still be alive. I hated myself for it and all the people involved. She was the only colour in my life. The only source of my happiness.
Karma wasn't going to come for me because it already has and it took away any sense of peace I had so why let other people have it easy?
The sky was getting darker and darker. Wind blowing harder. It was going to rain soon and I left my car in school and walked all the way to the cemetery. I just hoped I'd make it before rain pours. Even though coldness was already a part of my life, it didn't mean that I liked it. I hated being cold but no matter what, it never seemed to leave. It was always there. In my heart.
Rain began with a few drops landing from time to time. Then started to drizzle. By the time I made it a few feet past the cemetery gates, it was pouring down heavily. I was soaked to the bone but still walked on in a languid pace. Even if I wanted to speed up, my body would not respond. My eyes felt heavy and my sight started to blur.
"It hurts" I whispered to myself. "Everything hurts".
A loud car honk snapped me out of my thoughts and I turned to see some kind of truck approaching until it stopped beside me. The driver lowered the window and I had to blink a few times before I recognized the person.
"Get in!" Ryu shouted over the pouring rain. To be alone again. With Ryu? No way.
"Fuck off" I said weakly. I didn't have the energy to argue with him. The world around me kept spinning.
"Are you stupid? You're gonna get sick! Get inside!"
Why does he even care? I payed him no heed as I continued to walk and stumble but before I could get any further, my vision went blank and I fell to the ground. Unconscious.