*Ana*
Another week of nothing from Nicoli. I don't mean to but I find my thoughts fall back to it. It's going to be another week of nothing from Dawny.
At some point, I'll need to stop counting. I know. If anything, to help clear my thoughts. I know I should stop wasting my energy on this.
I know I should but-
I need to study. I tell myself. It's not the time to be distracted. Things move on. And so must I.
I make to start reading my book once more before I hear the sound of a soft snore.
"Cousin?" I cannot help but look over my book to find Mykhol. I can't help but roll my eyes at the sight, as sure enough, he is doing it again.
If it's that boring, he should leave. I watch his head drop off his hand as if about to sleep only to jolt himself awake again and sit up. He moves to shift the book onto his lap as if to read, but it's clear he's not.
And I find his insistence to pretend almost laughable.
"You could go if you wanted, Cousin," I say, breaking the silence. "I'm fine by myself."
Mykhol, however, shakes his head immediately.
"No, it's just you study too quietly, Cousin." Mykhol blames and with a yawn.
"Isn't that how it's normally done? You need quiet to think. That's why libraries are quiet, aren't they? You study in silence."
"It's not the only way." Mykhol ventures. "We did something else at university."
"University?" I perk up at the mention of it. Was Mykhol going to talk about it? He so rarely does.
Perhaps today he will?
"What did you do you do then?"
"Study groups."
"Study groups?"
"Yep, a bunch of us would clump up in the library and pour over the books. Then, we'd stop to eat or joke around." Mykhol's face turns soft at the memory.
"It was a grand time to have friends together at once."
"Friends?" The word sticks in my throat but I force it down.
Instead, I hear the clock begin to chime. It's surprisingly late into the day. I must have lost track of time. And all while the entirety has been alongside Mykhol.
No, not just Mykhol. I flick my eyes up to my somewhat new maid now, Naska. She has yet to quit as of yet. It is a surprise for me to see she has even stayed this long.
Naska, meanwhile, is busy watching Mykhol from the sides. And out of the others, Naska is not subtle in her fixation on my cousin. She seems eager, almost desperate, to get his attention.
She's here for Mykhol. I realize unpleasantly. It's not me she cares for. But I must admit, that is more sensical. If it was Mykhol she was here for, it would make sense for her to stay.
Naska's just like all the other girls obsessed with Mykhol. I rationed. If anything, I almost felt sorry for her. But these were not areas I would understand. Instead, I think back on the new idea.
Study group. The word returns to mind. I find I like the idea. I want to imagine what that must be like. To have all my favorite people surrounding me.
How wonderful would that feel? I can almost see it now. Who I would have in my study group? It wouldn't be a big group. That was for certain.
No, there would be just two people: Nicoli and Maddie.
Nicoli would sit to my right, and Maddie would- The idea dies just as it came as reality comes back to me.
Maddie is gone. The fact stills me into place. She is gone. It's a fact.
As for Nicoli… I squeeze a fistful of my skirt. I must push this heaviness from swallowing me up again. It happens every time I think about- if I think about him.
Study. I push myself back to my book.
"It sounds like you goofed around and didn't study at all," I admit, flipping a page. "No, I think I would rather not be in any groups. I'll study by myself. It suits me better."
"Suits you?" Mykhol repeats and eyes linger on me a moment too long.
Was it something I said? I look up to check but am startled when he suddenly throws back his head to laugh.
"You're right. We didn't." Mykhol leans in to bob my nose."How'd you know?"
"Cousin!" I reel back at the sensation. He knows I do not like that. But his admittance does make me laugh and push him off gently.
"So I was right. You weren't. I can already imagine it."
"Don't sound so smug about it," Mykhol says before moving to bop my nose again. "It's not cute to be a smartass."
"But you were, weren't you." I laugh again, smacking his hand back to set him to giggle with me.
"You are quite vexing sometimes, you know." Mykhol laughs softer before resting his hand on the side of my face."But it's good to see you still laugh like this."
"It's been too long."
"Cousin," I feel my smile soften before Naska starts.
"Oh, how funny," Naska interjects trying to cut in. But her voice is oddly too high-pitched to come off as authentically interested. It makes both of us quiet down.
I return to my books. I still have much to study for. Being an Empress is endless.
But Mykhol does not. Instead, of feigning to study like before, he gives up entirely and moves to start playing with my hair. He pulls a loose strand free from beneath the headdress.
"Cousin," I shift to pull my hair away. "Stop that and let me study."
Mykhol pouts but doesn't fight me. He only huffs loudly.
"I've never seen a girl read this much."
"Glad I've broadened your horizons."
Mykhol yawns before smacking his lips. "Aren't you worried it'll affect your womb?"
"My…what?" I look up.
"You know, reading too much can shrivel up your ovaries."
"Since when did my eyes connect to my uterus, Cousin?" I return to the book with a shake of my head.
"Your-" Mykhol bulks. "Your-" He seems unable to utter the next word without breaking into laughter.
I shift the book to block his laughing face.
"Such a stupid idea. Perhaps you should be the one worried." I go on, but Mykhol only laughs harder.
"Maybe I should." Mykhol sounds on the point of tears. But, he keeps laughing.
I can't study like this. I quickly find his laughter too loud and demanding to focus on anything else. But despite it, I do feel a small smile curl the corners of my lip.
"Yeah, you should read more, Cousin." I dare a small snicker back.
"Cousin? What's that I see? Was that- gasp, a smile?" Mykhol must notice and draw closer. He pushes the book down, my little fortress, to see my face.
"Hey," Mykhol tilts the book away but I have other ways to hide my face. I tuck my chin in.
"What you laughing at?" Mykhol tries again, but I just dart my eyes.
"Hey, look at me." Mykhol goes a hint more firmly but this just admits a snicker from me.
"You little," Mykhol narrows his eyes and pulls the book straight down. "What's so damn funny?"
"I- nothing," I turn my head to hide the color in my cheeks as I stifle another laugh.
"I-"
A hard knock at the door stops our small game.
"Oh, shit-" Naska curses under her breath with a start. But she knows enough to rush over. Almost tripping on her skirt to open the door.
"Lady Funda?!" Naska exclaims rather than greets. "I mean, my lady-" Naska tries to bow, trying to compose herself but it is too little too late.
"Hmph," Aunt Funda narrows her eyes at the uncouth girl.
"Oh, I- sorry." Naska immediately lowers her head. She moves to quickly get out of the way.
"Mother?" Mykhol, meanwhile, sits back, amused. "You're here."
"Aunt Funda." I greet but must admit I am confused. "What brings you here-" She was not meant to see me today. But that is before I see the tray.
Aunt Funda was carrying the silver tray for mail. On it, I could make out a single letter.
Could it be? My heart quickens on its own.
I mentally take a breath to steady myself as I wait for her to draw here.
"Your Empress," Aunt Funda darts her eyes to Mykhol. Her face is pale and dry. But she says nothing as she moves in.
"Is it-?" It couldn't be, could it? I, meanwhile feel my breath hitch as she stops to lower the tray. My eyes immediately search, looking for that color as the letter comes into sight.
It's- I stop breathing when I do it see.
"Ah," A weak gasp breaks out of me as I am overcome at the moment.
"This," Mykhol, meanwhile, only darkens as he too can see the blue wax and stamp shine in the light.
"Mother?" There is a tone in his voice that I can't recognize but it falls away just as quickly. Everything does.
I can't see anything but the letter in front of me. I am almost scared to look away and see it gone when I look back. Like it could vanish because it's not real.
Is it real? I wonder. This all has to be a dream, right? This, can it be true?
"Your Empress…" Aunt Funda only stiffens as she delivers the words I've longed to hear all this while, proving it's not a dream. That this is real.
That it's happening.
It's really happening at last.
"You have a letter from Dawny."