*Ana*
I have to remember to breathe. I need to calm myself otherwise, I won't make the trip. It's a week's ride until we get to Dawny. I should conserve myself. I know better. But I can't seem to manage it. I am too emotional: nervous yet excited.
Even now, I am having trouble sitting still. But I will try. If not for my sake, for everyone else.
I can't believe this is happening! I only manage a moment before I find myself moving again. I kicked up my legs with a burst of energy. They flop back on the bench with a loud slap before I do it again.
So much for sitting still. I can't help but feel a little foolish. I know I should be behaving better. But it's so damn challenging.
I feel so happy. I could dance right now, even with everyone here.
I give another kick to hear them slap the bench. But without the slap, no one would know I was kicking. My legs disappear underneath the many layers of my new dress. I've never worn something so thick and heavy before. It's made of wool like the others packed up in the trunks.
It's pretty nice. I have to admire the fabric. Nochten doesn't use wool like Danwy (sheep don't do well in our climate). It's warm. I move to trace the fur lining on my sleeve: a last-minute add-on, thanks to Maddie's suggestion. I'm glad she did. The fur is both appealing to the dress and soothing to the touch.
The dress, in general, is good even with its many layers. I don't have as many issues as I first expected. Save for one thing I would change. I could do without the hoop skirt.
Speaking of the hoop skirt, I kick my legs again and hold them out. I can barely see them because of the iron frame. It's like I have a small cave underneath. I could hide in there if I wanted to.
These sure do take up quite the room. I consider as my feet touch the ground. It's taking up a lot of room on its own. The space in the carriage is already tight- but this makes it almost unusable.
Between Maddie and myself, everything is cramped. Maddie and I barely have enough room on the same bench. I take up a good chunk of space. The hoop skirt is rather bulky than practical.
How do Dawny women ever travel with these? I have to wonder. They must not be comfortable. I can personally vouch for that.
Having two ladies in the same carriage would be quite the feat. I think with yet another look at the opposite bench. I can't help but feel pity for those riding with me.
Maddie is here, of course. I expected her to come. But Mykhol, I did not.
I didn't think he'd want to go. I look over to him. I am still surprised to see him. But he insisted.
He wanted to be my chaperone. Even with Maddie already with me, Mykhol wouldn't take no for an answer. Mykhol was firm that I would not go without him.
I hope he's not uncomfortable. I watch him with some guilt. I hope he won't regret it. I look across to find him. But just as I am concerned, I quickly find it isn't necessary.
Mykhol doesn't look perturbed at all. He seems relatively comfortable. Sitting on the opposite bench by himself, Mykhol looks settled. He's opted out of wearing Dawny's suit. He's, instead, wearing a thicker version of a Nochten gown.
That's smart of him. I can recognize the quality of his decision. He wears fewer layers and can bend and move better. The sight almost makes me envious.
Mykhol must be so comfortable that I'm like a folded-up paper. I frown a little at myself. The dress is pretty, but I'm not used to these restrictions.
Nicoli will like these better, though. I am quick to reestablish my reason. He would, right? I think so.
He will even like the sleeves. I think and touch the fur. It's soft. I wonder if Nicoli will feel it, too.
"Fancy meeting pants," Maddie mumbles in her sleep.
"Hmm?" We both look over at Maddie with a start. But she is still asleep. Maddie passed out sometime after we passed the mountains.
"Maddie, are you awake?" I ask, but Maddie shifts to throw her head back. Her mouth opens before giving a loud snore. It's so loud I almost laugh outright. I have to swallow down some spit to suppress it quickly.
"She's out cold," Mykhol remarks, and I try to hold back another giggle.
"She is-" I nod as Maddie suddenly speaks out again.
"Keep your cheese fries," Maddie is mumbling and snuggling closer. Her legs push against my hoop skirt. It causes it to rise at an angle.
"Maddie!" I find myself struggling to push the hoop skirt back down. But it won't. Not unless Maddie doesn't stop leaning into me. She needs to move around, but Maddie is dead asleep.
"No," Maddie protested as I slightly pushed her legs off.
"Maddie, please. I need you to"
"Hmmph." Maddie grunts and scampers closer. Her legs push my hoop skirt even higher.
"Maddie!" I feel genuine dread now. The hoop skirt keeps rising the more she scoots in. I'll expose myself at this rate. And right in front of Mykhol.
I already feel my cheeks pink at the idea. I don't want to be on display like that- even if Mykhol is just my cousin. It's not proper at all. I must do something.
"Maddie, please stop-" I push her off but find Maddie slinking closer. She groans and moves to curl in her legs.
"No, that's even worse-" I panic as I see her knees pressing my hoop skirt further. I scramble to pull the dress over to hide the underneath, but it can go so far.
"Maddie-"
"I never have been a fan of Dawny's fashion." Mykhol's voice breaks my panic as I feel something. Something is over my legs. It's a blanket.
"That-" I look up to catch Mykhol sitting back down. He is smiling with his fangs slightly poking down from his upper lip. He looks off in a window.
"But then again, I'm not one for foreign things in general." Mykhol looks over at me to give me a wink. I feel a smile break free.
"Thank you," I am grateful for his quick thinking.
"Of course." Mykhol nods before turning to lock eyes with me. He says nothing before he shifts again. His gaze falls on Maddie now.
"She must be quite the handful."
"She has her moments."
"Mm," Mykhol muses while he continues to stare. But he seems to be mindful of something.
"Perhaps you should consider changing maids?"
"Change maids?"
"For someone more capable." Not human. Mykhol didn't add the last part, but I understand it.
"I couldn't." I don't need to think about the answer.
"Maddie is too important to me." I automatically know I could never do that. Even now, I couldn't imagine a life without her. Not anymore; Maddie is a fundamental part of now.
"Am I....to you?" I almost miss Mykhol's voice. He speaks so softly that even my hearing barely registers it. It hardly carries across the way over the sound of the carriage.
"Did you say something?" I lean in to hear better.
"The carriage- I didn't catch it. I'm sorry, could you repeat it? What did you say?"
Mykhol, however, makes a slight frown. Then he sits back as if I just asked the worst thing.
"Cousin?" I go again, only to see him sink further. He huffs, leaning back as if unhappy about something.
"Aren't you being a tad too lenient?"
"Lenient?"
"Don't smile at her like that anymore." Mykhol pauses as if thinking of something else.
"Smile at me, instead."
"Mykhol? What are you talking about?"
"Anastasia, you are suffocating over there." Mykhol changes the topic as quickly as he brings it up. Now, he seems more interested in patting the space beside him.
"Come and sit here with me."
"Cousin-" I do eye the spot. It does look spacious. Of course, the hoop skirt could take up some room, but Mykhol isn't cramped like Maddie.
It would be nice to stretch my legs. I feel tempted.
Maybe I should?
"Mn," Maddie groans. She moves to cling to me tighter. I feel myself getting pinned into the bench and side. It'll be impossible to move now. Not without disturbing Maddie, I can't move, not even if I want to.
"Er, thank you, but I'll stay." I accept my fate with a tired smile.
The last thing I want to do is wake Maddie. It would be mean. Maddie has worked hard enough these past days—what with her prepping the dresses and Nicoli's gift.
I can forego a nap. I decided.
She deserves it.
Accepting fate, I have only one other measure. I lean back on the beach. My legs push out as far as I can stretch them. I must make myself comfortable with what I have.
Hopefully, Maddie will wake up soon enough. I plan, but who can tell? Maddie may sleep for some hours.
I'll have to distract myself by thinking of other things: things like Nicoli's gift. The gift brings up a smile. I'm proud of it. The jeweler did a fine job. I know.
I hope he likes it. It makes me feel nervous again, but I can't help but smile.
Nicoli will never guess that I-
"You must be excited, Anastasia." Mykhol's voice is relatively short this time.
"I am." It should be clear enough. I can barely sit still.
"I don't think I've felt like this before."
"For the circus, no doubt." Mykhol laughs out the side of his mouth.
"No," I quickly disagree.
"For my brother. I will get to see him again."
"For your…" Mykhol trails off. His face falls slightly before his lips press into a tight line. He becomes pretty still for a moment. It makes me second-guess myself.
Perhaps he didn't hear me? That might be the case. The carriage is getting somewhat louder. He might not have heard.
"I mean, I finally get to meet Prince Nicoli." I clarify to help eliminate any confusion.
"We didn't get to meet. Well, not properly." How we met was rather- unorthodox. I admit.
But this time will be proper. I will greet Nicoli officially. It's another reason I am looking forward to it.
"That's why I-" My smile shrinks as I see Mykhol continue to stare after me.
"Cousin? Did you hear me?" I thought I was loud enough, but was it enough? Should I repeat it? I open my mouth to repeat it.
"Cousin, I said-"
"Do you think you're going to be welcome?"
"What?" I catch myself as I see Mykhol's expression. It's oddly distant.
"Do you think a bunch of humans will just welcome a vampire?"
"But, I'm not- why wouldn't I be?" I don't understand the question. But instead of explaining, Mykhol sighs as if tired.
"I sometimes forget how young you are." Mykhol voices before reaching out. He takes my hand, and I flinch at the touch.
"Cousin-" I look at it with some dread. The handholding seems to be a thing for him, and I may still be a little traumatized.
But Mykhol either doesn't notice or purposely ignores my discomfort. He curls his fingers over mine before holding them.
"You're still young. You don't know how the world works yet. You think it's still bright and promising." Mykhol turns my hand over to look over the palm.
"Cousin Mykhol?"
"To humans, we're monsters." Mykhol traces a line in the palm. His nail slightly scratches the skin. I shiver, but Mykhol seems ready to pull my hand back in.
"Because we drink blood. Humans are afraid of us. Even hate us for it."
"Cousin, that's not true." I move to uncurl his fingers. He let me go, but not before giving me a slight squeeze.
"Brother doesn't hate me-" I find his fingers come right through mine again. He has me locked between his. He holds my hand gently, but it won't let me go.
"Cousin Mykhol?" I look at his hand before seeing him lean in. His face is just inches before mine.
"Is that why you left so quickly last time?"
"Last time?" I feel myself freeze up.
How did he know- Mykhol wasn't even back. But as quickly as I wonder how I don't. It doesn't matter how he found out. He knows.
But what do I have to say?
"Nicoil…He's not like his stepmother. Nicoli will never-"
I stall to find the words as Mykhol seizes his chance. I find my hand forgotten for my face. Mykhol cups my cheek and leans even closer. His face would be touching mine if not for the hoop skirt that keeps him that inch away.
"But to us, you're Empress." His breath hits my lips as he speaks.
"Empress..." the word lingered on my tongue.
I find myself starting to get lost as Mykhol stares. His gaze is too intense when it's on me. I feel like I'm staring right into the sun.
"Ah," I shiver as Mykhol moves again. His hand is now moving up my cheek and into my hair. He fingers out a loop of loose hair from my shawl. He curls it tightly around as if he plans to keep it.
"Listen to me, Anastasia." Mykhol lifts the strand like he wants to smell it.
"Know your people and know where they are."
Mykhol pulls the strand to press a small kiss.
"Because you're going to learn where they are not quickly." Mykhol, let go. The hair slips from his fingers to fall at my side. Mykhol leans back to turn to face a window.
"Quicker than you want to." Mykhol's voice is low again.
"Cousin…"My heart sinks at his words.
Am I… I can't tell what Mykhol means. But he doesn't seem to be playing a joke of some kind.
Is this…is he trying to warm me? I look after him as if he can answer, but he's focused on something outside. He won't look at me.
It doesn't help my confidence at all. I quickly find myself starting to doubt what I'm doing. What if Mykhol is right?
Am I foolish again? My thoughts darken with doubt.
What if I'm wrong?
I feel my stomach tighten as I grow more unsure. I swallow dry air before I turn Mykhol way. I can see where Mykhol is looking. Outside, I see the Nochten sands were long gone. Instead, the grass replaced the ground. We are almost past Almonies mountains.
Danwy will be the following country. I feel the carriage sway. It's now quiet. I feel words thicken my tongue, but I have nothing to say—just worries.
Worries that I don't want to face right now. So I continue to watch the carriage. My view is transfixed on the outside as Mykhol watches as well.
For a brief moment, I see him smile. But just as quickly as I do, it's gone. Mykhol is as stoic as I've ever seen him. He keeps his thoughts to himself.
For a brief moment, I can see myself in him. It's a habit that isn't just my own. It runs in the family. A family that I'm leaving to see my other one.
A family. I wonder at the word.
I hope I am right.