"I made copies for you, every report of that month or ones closest to it," I said, sounding a bit steadier than I had expected for someone who had been up since three a.m in the morning and had downed about one and a half cups of coffee–usually my steadiness would require more after staying up almost an entire night.
My boss who had just walked in eyed me skeptically and without thinking too much about it I went for my hair and pushed an invisible curl from my face, feeling silly right after. He was clad quite nicely as always, elegant yet simple suit adorned by his shoulders and finished off by that hair. He had one hand in the pocket of his pants as he strutted in comfortably, much more used to his height than I was and of course, his whole life had granted him that, unlike me. I had to keep up with him as he walked in further, always careful never to be too eager to impress him, and definitely, not too comfortable as if I had already had either, and had to face his eyes. He slid into his chair with as much ease as he had done the previous day and I stood aside, waiting for him to get settled before I offered to go get his coffee. For now, though, I opted to just offer him his glass of water as I had been–it began every day, almost. The almost chocolate brown of his suit contrasted nicely with his softly yellowed skin, which it brought quite subtly and warmly. Its usual paleness almost sheathed behind the slight mellowness the brown brought out of him, rewarding him with a to-be that almost made his lips seem even more fuller.
"Slept well?" I asked, pouring him a glass of fresh water and I was sure because I always emptied or replaced those water bottles.
The issue of my blouse was long forgotten or we were trying to shove it behind us and rather face every day as if it had not happened, especially me. Which meant that I only did my job and tried my best to stay away from him just so he couldn't start to believe that I was after seducing him and even if he was thinking so he didn't show it much.
He sighed as he settled in his chair, unbuttoning his elegant suit jacket–today he had opted for a soft grey. That hair of his fell softly over his face and slightly brushed over half of his face, bringing out the deep carving of his high cheekbones and bringing attention right to his lips. "When did you get here?"
"I got here early, wanted to finish off the reports," I said, offering him a soft smile.
He reached for the pile I had put before him with a slightly raised eyebrow, licking his bottom lip as I gulped down parched air. "You sound optimistic for someone who's barely slept."
"I found the files you wanted," I said, stepping forward and picking a file from the neat pile just as he was doing so and to both of our discomforts, and we both paused as our fingers touched. Those eyes of his, softly browned as they were, bore right through me for those brief seconds of us just not going anything about it. I acted first and returned my hand by my side, clearing my throat. "It must've been my error, I must have missed it."
He cocked his head to the side. "How? You've spent hours searching for this."
"I found it with the twenty fifteen reports, I don't know why," I said, wiping my palm down my thighs. There was that stare again and it was heavy this time as he eyed me, making me gulp down, quite forcefully, a lump of parched air and was unsure just where I was to toss my eyes. I just, as I had been the first time I had seen him, had a feeling I was meant to be looking at him right in the eye and must be telling the truth. I always felt like I had to be telling the truth here, always.
"You just. . .found it?" His voice was low, slightly cold as he carried the words quite sharply. "You just so happened to be searching. . .and they just happened to be there."
I didn't know where he was getting at with this, but for some reason, it made me nervous. I swallowed a couple of times and then parted my lips, unsure just why I couldn't handle the way he was looking at me, and my voice had never been that high-pitched before, especially with how raspy it was. "I don't know, it's probably my fault. I probably didn't do it properly."
"Impossible, you searched through every file." He stood up, shoving his hands into the pockets of his empire waitest pants.
"Of course, I did." I nodded, not even sure just why I felt so tiny under his stare or why he was so good at it and I wasn't a fan of it. Deep down inside myself, I was sure that was nothing I could do about it and I had to face him, even if my eyes were itching to just fall to my shoes. I wasn't a child and I hadn't done something wrong, I didn't even know why my heart was beating like this or why I felt a little too close to lightheaded, the last thing I wanted to do was to faint. I had shoved my boobs at him not that long ago and perhaps if those files had been 'missing' and were suddenly showing up, I was sure I was the suspect. I liked my job and didn't want people to think I wanted anything more than just some professional respect or just a thank you once in a while. I was just not going to let myself cower before this man, even if I felt as if he had my soul at the grasps of his fingers and could see right through my shell but was just torturing me by letting me assume he couldn't see past it. There was something about him as he planted his bottom at the edge of the desk and folded his arms, clearly taking a stroll up there in his head. "Was it only this file?"
I felt like a child who had done something awful, and I could hardly contain my nerves, I kept folding and unfolding my arms while my stomach twisted and my gut told me to part my fat lips and give him everything I could remember. This side of him wasn't one I was used to, not that I was well acquainted with him either, and it was sharp, quiet, and deep down, way past his beautiful eyes, was someone that I was sure I didn't wish to meet.
I was careful, though I did my best to not cower. "Well, several other files had been misplaced but I figured it was because. . .someone had forgotten to put them in place."
"Do you know which ones?" He kept his eyes trained on every move I made, which was barely much since I was standing there almost still and unsure just why I had the urge to just run, maybe.
"Well, June and. . .then August, because September wasn't there and then February," I said, watching just how calm he seemed and as much as I forced myself to just shrug it off as it being my mind and tried to scold myself about judgemental, I couldn't help it. Some part of me surely knew better and was wrecking my head for a reason to quit, but another part of me spit at me and called me a coward. Perhaps, even another tiny part of me finished off by reminding me how much I liked excuses and how I had done the same with my marriage, always seeing 'shit' that wasn't there just to have an excuse to run–just like my own father. I wasn't going to quit, even as his calm demeanor unnerved me and made my stomach feel quite uneasy, I had bills to pay and it wasn't as if he and I were buddies–I just worked there. "But then again, twenty eighteen was on another shelf."
"How? Don't the records. . .which shelf?" He punctured his eyes right through me, his stunning beauty almost cutting as it mocked and reduced me to little so much so that I felt as if he could get me to say almost anything just so he could quit staring at me as if I had done something wrong, I hadn't.
I wouldn't.
"It was far from twenty seventeen and they used the wrong–"
"Did you find everything that was there?" He lowered his eyes at me.
I hated this, I hated myself for letting his eyes, which were heavy with something I couldn't decipher, get away with making me feel so small and of course, my pride didn't let me embarrass myself any more than I had. I had to pull myself together and not make him see any further than he had, so I lifted my chin and refused to act as if I had something here–I was innocent. "As far as to my knowledge."
The sunlight, though a little silvery and sharp, warmed Its way in and didn't miss a single thing as it washed over the dim furnishings and hardly missed his figure. The glint it held so carelessly kissed his skin, and especially his cheeks and his gorgeous hair, and aroused the softness which hid away his age–except his eyes. They pretty much said enough and the soft, and easy miss, crinkles which decorated its corners were enough to make me quite aware that he had seen enough and had the sort of experience I still needed more years to acquire.
"You don't think any other files might be missing?" He reached behind him and got one of those files.
"It can't be," I said, shaking my head and sure I couldn't allow myself to keep my eyes lowered, so I lifted my head and looked at him. "You said it yourself, I spend almost every day. . .going through everything."
"You're right," he said, letting out a sigh that didn't put me at ease as he put the file right where it had been, and watching him remove himself from where he sat made it worse. I didn't know why but I sort of held my breath as he led himself close and stood in front of me, forcing me to stare up and to meet his eyes. "I'll probably be out until lunch, so. . .it'll probably be better to just cancel it."
It slipped out as my lips parted. "Okay."
"You won't be able to reach me for a couple of hours," he said, running long and elegant fingers through his silky hair with ease.
I hated feeling like this and hated being so tiny before him, even with my hips and my height I stood much smaller and his frame allowed him to tower over me easily.
I just hated cowering more than I feared whatever it was that was dancing inside his eyes. "If someone asks for you?"
"If it's important give them this." He pulled out a card from his pocket and handed it to me, his eyes sharp as he eyed me quite skeptically. "If there's an emergency here call me on that number and use my name."
"Okay." I nodded as I took the card and held it, forcing myself to shove all the questions I suddenly had to the very back of my mind–where it belonged.
"I will see you later," he said, offering me a small smile. I doubted it was to do much really, I was just going to mind my own business and so I did the best thing that I could do–I returned his smile.
It was better this way, I told myself as I watched him leave.
It was better to not wonder.