I just had to bear with it and carry the coffees to the office and the line hadn't been short either actually, it was as if the entire world had decided to get coffee in one place and just about at the same time as I was. I stood there for a second, unsure whether to step in or not and it wasn't that it was something to fuss over. The weather was starting to change a bit as we were bearing close to fall and really, no change of season ever made it easier to forget or removed all of my regrets. I guess all these lunches and being surrounded by people and being far away from my thoughts sort of drew me close to the ones I wanted nothing more than to forget, especially when it came to my failed marriage.
I sighed and carefully parted those glass doors open, meeting the slightly rusty glint of light as the sunlight glided against that large floor-to-ceiling window and beamed quite warmly against the canvas of a slightly tired blue. Four sets of eyes met me as soon as I walked in and my face sort of failed to encourage itself and didn't brighten, I could feel it, and my mood was slightly sour already so I couldn't ruin it by trying to force myself to smile when it didn't feel the tiniest bit easy
"The line was long," I said, offering them their coffees. Of course, I dragged my feet to where the fresh bottles of water were and I was already used to this routine by now. I just went for clean glass and poured him a glass of water, careful to only let it half fill. He looked up at me and for how long I barely minded, I just slid the glass of water carefully and was prepared to leave, forcing myself to ignore the way his eyebrows had knitted together so tightly.
"You usually have a glass of water with your coffee," I said, my voice a little hoarse and raspier than usual. I was sure it was to last for some days and I would need to lay off shouting, not that I had any plans of shouting or crying out any time soon and maybe get some sleep. "I reorganized the files, did my copies, and–"
"You sound terrible, are you okay?" he asked, running his long fingers through his willing and bouncy hair comfortably. He had a way of boring his eyes right through you as if they were swords that could pierce right through your soul and see everything. It was so hard to keep eye contact and tossing my eyes away didn't feel like an option and so the staring played on between the two of us and I had to stand upright and forget his sharp eyes, staring right at me, even though they held the light so beautifully and were colored a tone close to whiskey. It was no big deal and I wanted to roll my eyes for acting like it was and feeling so guilty about just staring was not an offense.
"It's just a minor headache," I said, shrugging.
I guess he had a thing for serious colors and black was his favorite, which I couldn't cry about sat there looking at me as if there was something he wanted to figure out, he looked quite elegant and it was seemed easy–natural. Those full lips of his always seemed like they were in a soft pout, it was distracting to try and figure out whether they were like that naturally or if he had curled them to form, perhaps, an expression. I found myself so close to moistening my lips as he licked his and I was sure I needed to stop staring at him but my curiosity made it difficult to just simply toss my eyes to anything else, even the floor or maybe Daniel who was still in the room, and forget this.
I had a slightly irritating pounding in my head and I didn't need his beautiful eyes and his unrealistically sensual lips to mess with me like this.
He was no better than any other man on the street or any guy whom I have ignored ever since my divorce and fortunate enough he was my boss, the guy who paid me so that was enough for me to just chug this off as just me being curious.
I turned to his brother, who met me with a question I could not quite read heavily in his eyes, and instead of making me feel shy I found myself being a little embarrassed and ashamed. "I hope your green tea's great."
"Tastes great to me." Daniel offered me a smile though I could see that the question in his eyes hadn't left them. "I don't know about my older brother here."
I caught his eyes as he lifted his head as if hearing his younger brother referring to him had triggered him from his thoughts, abruptly, and returned him to the present. "What about me?"
"Your coffee." Daniel practically bore his eyes right at his older brother, without faltering or even quivering one bit, despite his older brother having returned it himself as he arched his left brow at him skeptically, I was only guessing.
I watched as he reached for his coffee, without even batting an eyelash as he stared right at his brother. "It's fine."
"It better be," he told, slightly leaning forward as he offered his brother quite the tight smile, "because you tend to get carried away."
There was something that quickly flickered in his eyes as he stared at his brother who didn't seem a bit friendly or happy, it was even awkward to witness the stare-off and to just stand there and not even know what I was supposed to do. "Dangsineun noma apsso issoyo."
I was sure that was an even bigger sign that this was far beyond me and had nothing to do with me. Speaking in their native tongue had to mean something serious and they both looked unhappy and rather upset with each other though they were communicating so calmly, I had siblings myself. I knew better than to miss the tightness of both their jaws and the way the other was staring at the other. With his raven hair and heavy eyes, he looked quite bitter and perhaps even threatening while the younger brother seemed more rigid, perhaps even upset and close to pained–I just wanted to hide. Or sneak out of there without being seen.
"Dangseun gwagoe jalmoseul geumbang ijoyo." More of his face twisted as he regarded his older brother and made me feel as if I was prying, as if I was right in the middle of, despite the deliberate language barrier, whatever was transpiring between them, and the most confusing part wasn't their language but the fact that coffee had led to this. I wanted to leave but found it so rude and however, standing there so coy was just too embarrassing.
I guess in some way I was caught between a rock and a hard place, to say the least.
"Maljorsimhaseyo." The oldest led himself to his feet immediately, his tone quite low and his voice far from raised–it made me drop my eyes to the floor as soon as he turned my way. I barely understood them but his eyes said enough–he was what others would refer to as pissed off in that very moment. The slight flare of his nostrils and the hard stare heavy in his eyes, which I had caught in those seconds of him staring at me, were enough.
This was serious.
If only I could just get myself to stop feeling so obligated to stay, to wait for it, or better yet, let the waves crash and die down.
"I should probably. . .um–"
"Dangsineun nae changgoreul musihal su opsseumnida," the younger brother cut in before I could finish and whatever he had just said led his older brother to pick up a bottle of water, without showing any signs of discomfort for my presence though I was certain the tension was thick enough and for some odd reason it left my throat dry and was almost damp. There was something quite brutal about his calmness, though correctly, it was the quietness that seemed to drag on quite torturously, leaving me feeling as if I was hanging off a ledge and screaming my lungs out as I was awaiting my fall, and his tone easily carried itself off in this deliberate and heavy manner. And despite how I couldn't hear a word they had just exchanged I was sure of one thing though–he was ticked off. He wasn't the type of man to shout or carry himself aggressively, his eyes sort of did more by themselves, and found myself not even sure if it mattered if I left or not, especially when they seemed so intent on whatever this conversation had quickly transpired to.
"Dangsineun mwongareul boyo issoyo." He reached for his coffee comfortably and didn't even falter as he carried his words quite carefully and deliberately, not helping my discomfort whatsoever on this point. "And I'm not a child, am I?
The last part had Daniel lifting his head and turning my way with a ready smile, ignoring his brother. "I'm sorry about that, sometimes I forget how I'm the youngest and foolishly. . .think I can help my brother out. He tells me you're helping him get for Samchoniyo."
I could only assume here. "I don't. . .think he wants to anymore."
"To get him a gift or for you to help?" Daniel looked at me, eyes never easing off their pointed and sometimes harsh heaviness. It made it difficult to look at them for long and perhaps it was because I felt I had so much to hide, which was probably just an attempt to not make myself feel awful, and that he could pull too much right out of me. It was silly, perhaps even insane, but around them both, I felt as if I was easily readable but they were just downplaying it just to not make me feel bad–it made me feel so silly. I needed to quit it and it was probably my insecurities, but being seen so openly was a great fear to me because then there was no use with my shell and if there was no use with it then there was no point in me. It kept me together, this was probably an exaggeration, but it just kept me sane and made me feel secure. I hated feeling as if someone was going to rip me of it, being so paranoid wasn't so healthy but I didn't trust that I wouldn't get comfortable here and end up faltering.
"I didn't say so." I turned and was met with those eyes and lifted eyebrows as he folded his long arms.
I found my shoulders sagging. "You didn't have to, you. . .I figured you didn't need my help."
He knitted his eyebrows in confusion. "Did I act that out?"
"You? Act? They kicked you out of drama club in high school," Daniel snorted as he rolled his eyes and I did my best to not smile at his comment but I couldn't help myself.
"It makes you happy doesn't it?" He rolled his eyes.
"What? How you –"
"If you dare continue I'll kill you," he said, pushing his hair away from his face shyly.
"I love you," Daniel said, not even fighting the smile that was slowly creeping up to his face.
He snorted. "So you say."
I found myself smiling, perhaps I even let out a sigh, relieved for maybe all of that is being nothing.